


Between It All

by ReyofLight2187



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Eventual Smut, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), Hurt/Comfort, Kylo Ren Needs a Hug, Kylo Ren Redemption, Romance, Some Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-03
Updated: 2018-05-29
Packaged: 2019-03-13 00:06:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 30
Words: 76,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13558482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ReyofLight2187/pseuds/ReyofLight2187
Summary: Takes place post TLJ, three years after the battle on Crait.  After General Organa's passing, Rey reopens the bond to deliver the news.  Romance, plot, and redemption.COMPLETE!!!





	1. The Princess

**Chapter 1: The Princess**

 

Leia draws the curtain over the small window in her quarters, as though the darkness of space is too bright. A small lamp glows by her bed, creating a wall of shadow around the room’s perimeter. Leia sighs with a tired smile on her face, her brown eyes shining in the soft light, and pulls her shawl over her arms. Slowly she leans down to open the blanket on her bed.

“Allow me, General,” says C-3PO.

“Don’t fuss.” She pulls back the top corner of the blanket, and settles herself in as carefully as possible.

C-3PO lingers by her bedside, shuffling back and forth along the length of her bed, his metal boots tapping on the hard floor. “Can I get you anything? I feel so…useless.”

“Get a hold of yourself, 3PO, it’s not like you haven’t seen someone dying before.” Leia reaches for her glass of water but her hand begins to tremble. C-3PO promptly picks up the glass and hands it to her.

“The others…they are waiting outside,” he says, gesturing his metallic arm toward the door. “Do you wish to see them?”

Leia takes a long drink of water and shakes her head. A few strands of hair fall loose from her braided crown. “No, I’ve said my goodbyes.”

“Yes, of course, General. It is only that…well…no one wishes you to be alone.”

“I’m not alone, 3PO.” She chuckles, then coughs, and pulls her blanket up to her chest.

A chattering of beeps comes from the corner as R2D2 rocks from side to side.  

“I only wish,” says 3PO, “that – master Ben could be here.”

Leia closes her eyes and breaths in slowly. The soft wrinkles along her face are catalogues of her experiences; she has known worry – perhaps more so than anything else, as shown by the deep creases between her eyes, along with determination, fatigue, and concentration. But the lines around her eyes and mouth that bend now with her smile – they show that she has also known great happiness.

Leia releases her breath the way she imagines Luke released his pain: in peace. She does not feel old, even now. She thinks of Han. He is with her now. She feels it on her very skin, like wind or water. The Force flurries around her, speaking without words about clarity and contentment. Luke, too, is here – her beloved brother, who even after passing has never felt totally gone.

And there’s another.

A small boy with dimpled cheeks, a boy with her eyes. She thinks of his little hands; the way they used to reach up to her. She thinks of his laugh, how it would build from deep inside his belly and bubble up so hard he could barely stop. The innocent shape of his mouth. The light in his eyes.

“3PO,” Leia says, her voice raspy with memories. “My son is gone. Tell the others – they must not hold back. When I’m – when – ”

“General?”

R2 whistles softly and backs up against the wall, where he inserts a port into the control panel, opening the door.

The anxious faces of Rey, Finn, Poe, and several of the Resistance commanders look into the room. Leia doesn’t seem to notice.

“3PO.” Leia’s eyes remain shut and her smile is peaceful. “Tell the others, they have brought hope to the galaxy… tell them how much – tell them…”

C-3PO looks toward Leia’s subordinates, associates, and friends, cluttered in the doorframe. They are all silent, tears running down their cheeks, afraid to move or speak.       

Rey’s face is fixed in a sort of silent scream, her hand supporting her against the wall as though she might fall to the floor without it.

Leia clears her throat and struggles to keep her voice audible as she says, “Tell Rey – I’m grateful to her for believing in my son. And that she doesn’t need to do anything more for him. She will be the one to bring balance. And if not her, someone – someone will. She’s not alone in this. The Force connects us in ways we don’t always understand. She was brought to us for a reason. Tell her she need not feel alone anymore – she is now, and always will be, with family.”

Finn catches Rey before her knees hit the floor.

“No…no…” Rey keeps saying between sobs.

R2 utters a low tone as 3PO’s metal boots tap across the floor and stop in front of the doorway.

“The Princess…” he says. “She is gone.”


	2. Reconnection

Rey feels the pull of the connection again. It hums against the edges of her brain, waiting for her to grant it access, to unlock and open the door she created. After all this time, even after Snoke’s destruction, the Force continues to connect their minds like they are two pieces of a whole. Though ever since Kylo attacked the Resistance on Crait, Rey has ignored it. She has found that if she refuses him, he can’t see her. Her resistance is solid and unmovable; he cannot get through without her consent. And he hardly tries to. Not anymore.

This time however, she hesitates. She doesn’t mean to – there’s no good reason why she should speak with him. He has made himself her enemy. The worst kind, she thinks, because he is no longer the monster she believed him to be. Many people created Kylo Ren – and he was never a monster, but rather was the product of his actions, of isolation, of hate and suffering. Where he might have deserved pity once, he now deserves nothing. Ben Solo is no longer lost behind a mask. Passed are the days when he could be manipulated by dark creatures in the night. He’s no longer conflicted. He has found his purpose. He _chose_ the dark side. Ben Solo chose the dark side.

Yet now, in her fragile state, Rey confuses the thought of Ben…not for Kylo Ren, but for someone’s son. The son of a mother who has passed that very night.

The Force shutters against her mind until her defenses crack like ice. Her mind fills up with something akin to fresh air. She tries to ignore how good it feels, having a companion inside her thoughts once more.

An image, blotched against the wall of her room, slowly gains shape. The air is distorted around him, blurring out the rest of his surroundings. Only Kylo stands before her and nothing more. It’s cold, wherever he is. A harsh and unexpected chill crawls all over her body. She can see his breath from between his parted blue lips.   

“Ah,” he says. “You’re still here.”

His expression looks defeated, no longer curious or fascinated with their connection. His breathing is shallow in the cold. He’s either uninterested in her sudden appearance, or too cold to react to it.

“Ben, I – ” Rey’s voice catches; she can hardly draw breath the way the icy air fills her lungs. “Where are you?”

Again, his expression is frozen. He looks away from her eyes and folds his arms around his chest.

“Nevermind,” she says. “I only wanted to – I thought you should know…Leia died earlier tonight.”

A stab of pain clutches her heart as she says this, and she wants to say something like “as if you care”, but even in her sorrow in this moment, she doesn’t really mean it. Instead, she sits cross-legged on top of her heater system, facing him.

“I’m sorry,” she says.

His expression doesn’t change. If anything, it gets harder. The stream of vapor continues to flow from between his lips. His eyes remain fixed to a spot beside her.

Another wave of sadness encompasses Rey, and when she next blinks, a tear falls down her cheek. She wants to be mad at his indifference, but the grief is too fresh. It takes up too much of her – she doesn’t have any room left to feel anything else.

She mentally gathers herself up to block him out again, to leave him with that information, and return to her solitude. He seems to sense this – his eyes flit back to hers and a look of something like panic passes over his face.

Yet he still says nothing.

Rey stands up and begins to walk towards him, not knowing if she’s really closing any distance between them or if she’ll eventually walk right into her wall.

He does seem to be getting closer. He doesn’t back away, but his gaze falls to the ground. As close as she is, she sees that his bottom lip is trembling. The muscles in his chin battle for stoicism, but there’s something building inside him and he’s starting to lose control.

Rey can feel her heart melt as she once again foregoes thinking and reacts on her instincts. It’s as though no time has passed, there’ve been no hard feelings, and they are companions once more. She reaches out to him – there’s that look of panic on his face again – and he makes a split second decision before he can think better of it, and takes a large step toward her.

Rey gasps as his body is thrown against hers. He towers over her; it’s overwhelming how much of him there is. His arms are wrapped around her so tightly, it’s almost like he’s still hugging himself in the cold. He buries his face in her hair and her heart aches as he shudders against her, taking in heart-wrenching, uneven breaths.

Rey’s hardly had time to figure out what to do with her arms before he’s slipping, losing strength, unable to keep his back straight – his face lowers past her cheek to her shoulder, where he rests his forehead. He’s making choking noises, hurried breaths; it’s as though he’s just been shot in the back.

Rey doesn’t know what to do. She cups a hand to the side of his head, over his left ear, and rubs her thumb against his scalp in gentle circles. He’s shaking now, and digging his fingers into her back so hard it almost hurts. With her left hand, she holds his arm, trying to keep him upright, but it’s no use.

He edges farther down, his face now by the crook of her elbow, his right cheek against her breasts. He continues to slip until he’s on his knees, his face pressed to her stomach, his shoulders shaking in a paroxysm of grief.

Rey feels rather weak herself, but Kylo has her grasped so firmly around the waist, she couldn’t kneel down if she wanted to. Her hand hesitates for a moment over his head, and then she brings it down and slowly combs her fingers through his hair. She bends her neck and holds her lips to the top of his head, her eyes closed, willing him to find the calmness he is frantically searching for.

“I’m here,” she whispers. “You’re not alone.”

But when she opens her eyes again, he’s gone, the Force leaving behind a pounding, tremorous sensation in her temples. She looks down to the empty floor and holds her trembling hands in front of her. She pushes her mind to search for him, but it’s no use. It is cold space, static, empty, and silent.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a strong outline for this story - it's going to be a long one. Chapter 3 is almost finished. Let me know what you think, if you have a minute. I hope everyone's having a wonderful night!


	3. Hate Leads to Suffering

General Hux didn’t appreciate being assigned this particular task – like a dog, sit and stay. Wait for further instruction. Though it does mean some distance from the Supreme Leader. After all, why not? Years of training, military education, playing politics, ass-kissing – why shouldn’t it lead him to sitting in the dark, freezing in a rusty, sedentary AT-AT, original model, steel rather than titanium, the last of its kind 20 meters tall instead of the now standard 50, while his army hides in bushes like cavemen, on a crater-spotted planet no one would ever live on by choice.

“If all goes well, on my signal breach the castle – annihilate everyone in your path,” Supreme Leader Ren had said.

Sure, fine. This dripping cavern is high heaven compared to five minutes in his highness’s presence.

Won’t Ren be pleased, when this damned machine doesn’t turn on when the time comes? Hux has four engineers outside now, trying to hot wire it to life – probably hasn’t run in thirty years or more. Of course the proper vessels are “needed elsewhere”. Hux was the one who recommended the new AT-M6 walker as a worthy upgrade. But that’s fine. Top of his class, first author of the revised stormtrooper program, highest seniority in the fleet – why shouldn’t he be assigned to the outdated, subpar equipment?  

Where was Ren anyway, when he transmitted that message? It looked like a cantina. Supreme Leader Snoke would never have been caught dead in a dingy tavern. There used to be such a thing as pride.

“Sir,” says a distorted voice through the control speaker, “we sparked a small fire in the transport circuit and now the electrical equipment is going haywire cause of all the water. I think we’re going to have to call it a night.”

Hux bows his head and pinches the bridge of his nose. The irony of having to wear heat suits all day to cope with the torrid temperatures to now having to survive a bitter cold night without the heating systems working was not lost on him. He’s going to be stuck there forever. The Supreme Leader will probably forget him on this planet, and Hux and his troops will be forever embalmed in ice coffins inside this broken down scrap of junk.

***

Kylo wakes up freezing in a miner’s tent three kilometers below the planet’s surface, his extremities numb and feeling sick to his stomach.  He sits up, puts on his gloves, and reaches for the tracker on the table.

“Siruya Albrawn – location: 1.1 kilometers south.”

That’s further down this god-forsaken mine. Her distance has more than doubled from the night before.

He will catch her though; he isn’t worried. Everything has been going according to plan. His meeting with the foreign miners had been a surprising success. Crait is one of the few planets where you can find hundreds of independent contractors all together without allegiance to the Resistance or the First Order. Poor foreigners work in the salt mines during the summer seasons and bring their profits back to their home planet, Rohk. It’s undesirable work, but the pay is substantial.

Kylo found out, however, when establishing a trade settlement on Rohk, that Rohk’s government taxes more than 90% of the miner’s gains. Sensing an opportunity, he traveled to Crait to meet with the salt miners and offered to overthrow Rohk’s leadership and eliminate importation taxes almost entirely. He asked for no help with this; the miner’s records will be unmarked; the First Order will take care of everything. Kylo will then have possession of Rohk, and the miners will pay a small fee in return for protection. The First Order will end crime and ensure their fortunes.

All the miners have to do is pledge allegiance to The Order. Let them know if they hear of any defectors. Rohk is the largest trade center in the system. Their secrets are priceless. This is the tactical advantage Kylo has been looking for.

The miners agreed much faster than Kylo expected. But they did warn him of a woman who is a Resistance sympathizer – Siruya Albrawn – who will likely cause problems for him when he attempts to take control of the government. She has been meeting with miners, telling them to join Rohk’s Senate, to speak for their rights, and to protect the traveling thieves, who she argues are not criminals, just poor and desperate. She’s said if they join the New Republic and take the First Order down, they can lower trade taxes and reduce thievery by working with, not against democracy.

Most of the miners Kylo reached out to, however, like the idea of not having to do anything, which are what the First Order’s plan entails. And others like the idea of a free world. They worry if the Order has too much power, there will be no way to take it back, and they’ll be able to do what they want with no way to stop them. It became clear to Kylo that this Resistance woman needs to be taken care of sooner rather than later.

He’s been searching for her in a salt mine while Hux waits for his orders in the caverns above Rohk’s capital. Once Siruya Albrawn is eliminated, they can move forward with their promises to the miners.

Kylo thought this would be a much quicker mission. Siruya Albrawn is a Rohkian government slave. She has a tracking implant, making her easy to find, or so he had thought. But she’s evaded him for three days now. And she clearly has a higher tolerance to the frigid temperatures than he has.

Kylo had chased her deep within this mine yesterday, and lost her in a maze of passageways. He thought if he waited her out, she would have to return to the surface – for water, if nothing else. But he stood at the gate to the surface for hours last night, tracker in hand, “Siruya Albrawn – location: 450 meters south” displayed on screen.

It was then that Rey appeared to him, for the first time in – how long has it been? Almost three years since they were last together on Crait?

A dull ache throbs high in his stomach. It stings with some horrible cocktail of remorse, regret, and shame. His brain tries to remember the events of last night; he starts to wade through the blur of thoughts that leads to the cause of this terrible ache. But he won’t think of it. He is determined not to.

He must keep himself busy. A trooper can stay and guard the exit, there’s no reason for him to stay here.

He waits until a Commander climbs down the mine to his location. He hands her the tracker and growls, “Alert me when you have her,” then makes his way back to the surface.

The nearest supply shop is fifteen minutes away by speeder. His eyes sting from the cold by the time he arrives, and he’s starting to wonder if his fingers aren’t frost bitten by now. He sweeps in the tent, takes a seat in the dark corner, and uses the Force to retrieve a dusty bottle from the bar.

The protesting bartender is thrown back against the wall when he approaches Kylo, and Kylo’s left in peace after that.

He pulls out his communicator and transmits a message to Hux: “It won’t be long now. If all goes well, on my signal breach the castle – annihilate everyone in your path.”

Kylo drains his glass two, three times.

A mental image of a small woman with gray, braided hair begins to take shape and he physically turns away from it. He slams his glass on the table and it shatters against his palm. His face is scrunched up in the effort it takes to not picture her.

Instead, he gathers up his anger in a neat pile, like a stack of folded clothes that he begins to put on, one by one. It’s systematic, really.

Layer one: There’s nothing like the present. General Hux is the worst and best tool for Kylo’s motives. He’s dedicated, there’s no denying that. He prides himself in his work and his army. But he hasn’t responded appropriately to Kylo’s leadership since day one. Hux needs a leader; no one, not even Hux himself would argue that. But he’s made it abundantly clear that he’d rather it not be Kylo. Traitorous scum. Mutinous villain. The nerve of him, making that trade negotiation behind his back during their last mission on Rohk. Never mind that it gained them an alliance with the entire Western Rim space pirates. This is only the beginning of Hux’s defiance.

Layer two: The New Republic. Rebel thieves. War criminals. Put on their own pedestal, gold stars on their chests, juvenile heroics, promises of peace that comes at a price as old as time. It’s slavery disguised as freedom. Idealism. Fantasy. The belief that the universe is untarnished, that people are capable of living harmoniously on their own. The falsity of empathy. The fiction of brotherhood. Kylo has already seen that side of life – politics, negotiation, and compromise. It brings nobody happiness, least of all him. Democracy only lasts until someone becomes ambitious enough to take it down.

Layer three (he’s already beginning to feel better): Rey. The antagonist in his story. The force equal and opposite to his own. Born of potential, raw with energy, bursting with a desire to prove herself, to belong to something. She belonged with him, didn’t she? With his new order. She was the first hint that perhaps total domination didn’t have to be lonely. The first possibility that the dark side could breed alliance, even friendship. That advantages like loyalty, trust, and honesty do not only belong to the light side. She could have joined him. He would never have let her know pain again. She would never have known abandonment again. She would want for nothing. But Luke Skywalker has filled her with lies, and she – she was stupid enough to believe them. She rejected a path that would have transcended destiny – it would have been one of choice. Choices they could make together. Stupid, ignorant, foolish girl. The warmth of her hand calls to him still. Kylo thinks he might hate her most of all.

Three layers turns out to be satisfactory. He’s brimming with aggression, the familiar sensation of boiling rage blocking out all other thoughts. He exits the tent and engages his lightsaber. He strikes it into the ground, sending shards and sparks of red, salt and energy clashing into the sunlit backdrop. He feels powerful, fulfilled, satisfied. He couldn’t think of his mother if he wanted to. He is completely in control.


	4. In This Feeling Shall You Speak

Rey has no choice but to continue the mission.

Leia’s death shook the Resistance to its core. New leadership is already in place, there’s no problem there; Leia had everything settled and organized long before her passing. It’s a different kind of chaos. The feeling a baby bird must have when it sets out into the world for the first time. It has all the tools, but little of the confidence.

Not for all of them, though. Some stand strong, honored to continue on and realize Leia’s dream. Rey couldn’t stop smiling through her tears at the ceremony that laid Leia to rest and welcomed their new appointed General. He looked so sturdy and proud, standing straight with his hands behind his back, accepting the insignia with such a serious face. General Dameron will be just what the Resistance needs.

Rey talked it over with Poe, the night he was instated. He agreed she should continue with the plan. It has already been put off too long. Rey remembers when she and Leia first discussed it, though it feels like decades ago now.

The few remaining Resistance allies were aboard the Falcon. They had escaped Crait with their lives, yet the atmosphere between them was quiet. Leia seemed at peace, though Rey couldn’t understand how. Luke was gone and no one talked about what happened, no one said anything at all.

On the fourth day of soaring through space, it was Chewie who broke the silence.

He asked the question no one wanted to confront.

Rey turned around in her seat and looked at the crew.

“He wants to know where we’re going.”

She locked eyes with Poe who licked his lips and nodded.

“Right, what are our options?”

“There’s an outpost in the Dradbar system,” said Lieutenant Connix. “There may be Resistance sympathizers there.”

“That’s a supply hub, there’ll be too many spies there,” Commander Xo replied.

“Korrus II isn’t far from here. It’s mostly uninhabited, maybe we could recollect – ”

“All it takes is one call and the First Order will be on top of us in minutes.”

“What about Maz Kanata?” Rey said. “We could go back to Takodana.”

“I doubt we’d be welcome,” Poe replied. “Last time we were there we destroyed the city.”

“She’s the only ally we know. She might be able to hide us at least.”

When they arrived, Maz wasn’t there. But they were able to reach her on the holopad and she assured them they would be safe there. Her people would grant them sanctuary.

Disguised as pirates, Finn, Poe, and Rose bartered with the people on the planet for parts, ships, and weapons. When Maz finally returned, months later, she told Leia that in her travels she’s heard rumors of the Resistance’s battle with the First Order and Luke’s sacrifice. She said that it has inspired people, awakened the Force in places where it had been dormant. She said there are men, women, children, slaves, and royalty out there with abilities they don’t understand, feelings they can’t explain.

Leia shared this with Rey the night after they received word that the Supreme Leader and his army had taken full control of the Ielen System.  

“You know what needs to be done,” said Leia.

Rey nodded. “Someone needs to rally them together.”

“No.” Leia smiled. “You. You need to rally them together. You’re the beacon, Rey. You are the galaxy’s hope for change.”

“But I can’t just leave – ”

“You can and you must! The rebels will separate and make recruitment top priority. There are First Order-run planets that are filled with oppressed people. Suffering people. They will help us if we help them. We’ll rebuild an army.

“And you must recruit an army of your own. Reach out to those strong in the Force. Pass on what you’ve learned. Show them that the Jedi can still rise. When our paths cross again, we will be strong enough to remove the First Order’s filth. We will become stronger than ever before.”

And so Rey left again – with Chewie as her only companion. She’s spent two years meeting people of all walks of life, showing them the ways of the Force, and using the ancient Jedi texts for guidance. It never felt right to ask them to join the Resistance. Somehow she didn’t think the Force wanted that. She felt that when the time came, they would stand up for hope, for peace, and for balance.  

She left some people behind on their planets to thrive with their new knowledge. But many came back with her; slaves she freed, parentless children she rescued. All found a home with Leia and the Resistance.

Rey was returning with another batch of new Jedi when Poe told her Leia was ill. Despite Leia’s protests, Rey remained on base to help the others initiate and execute their plans. It had been almost a year since then, and she had all but forgotten her own objective.

But now, with Leia’s absence aching like a wound in her chest, Rey accepts that it is time to return to her mission. The Resistance has collected a substantial army, but it’s not all about armies and war. There must be a balance, a fellowship, in order to achieve peace. That’s her responsibility, hers alone.

_Your_ responsibility, Rey reminds herself as she watches the small turquoise planet that is now Resistance HQ in the window of her B-wing fighter. This is the first time she’s been alone since all this began, when she found BB-8 in the Jakku desert. Even Chewie stayed behind with the rebels. They needed good pilots.

Rey agreed that was best when Poe suggested it, but now, flying away from the only friends she’s ever had, she feels a hollow, anxious feeling in her stomach. Finn offered to go with her, insisted on it really, but they both knew that they would have to separate now to ever have a chance of being together in the future.

Rey approaches a planet she had never heard of before, an active military base called T’Kal. It’s a stormy planet, covered entirely with black sand, well known for it’s weapons testing and production, as well as it’s record breaking sales on war vessels. Far less known, however, are the natural underground tunnels that span across nearly half the planet. An entire race of people called the Tallians, it turns out, live there in secrecy.

For decades others have used that planet for military purposes, oblivious to the fact that millions of people live just a few meters below them. The Tallians are a free people only because they’ve remained hidden. They have no weapons or any other means of protecting themselves against anyone who would seek to enslave them.

General Organa met a Tallian during her stay on the Pawra space station six months ago. This Tallian used to be chief of her sector, a tall, slender creature with dark black skin, amethyst eyes, and broad, leathery wings that fold around her body like a blanket. She was elected in a time when progressive leadership was admired, and she went off-planet to see if she could find help for her people. She was captured by a ministry official from Rohk and has been a slave ever since.  

“Siruya Albrawn speaking,” says the image on Rey’s holopad. “Please except my condolences for the passing of General Organa. She will forever be an icon to my people, a blessed mark for the start of our Revolution.    

“During our last correspondence I gave you a secure channel on which to reach me, however plans have since changed and I have been temporarily relocated to the salt mines on Crait. I cannot be contacted there, so please stand by until I can get word to you.

“I have received word that some of the First Order is also on Crait. Please warn my people when you arrive. Since T’Kal is close by, it may be their next stop, particularly if they need to restock their battle equipment. Hopefully my time here will be brief and I can make my escape and join you.

“I have been in contact with General Dameron, and he assures me he will assist in anyway he can once we begin the Revolution. In the meantime, you are welcome to begin training the soldiers I have collected for you. They are most eager for your arrival.

“Be safe and watchful as you make your descent, and remember the cloaked entrance is within an underwater cavern in the eastern sea. Ensure that you are not spotted. I am sending you the precise coordinates now. May the Force be with you.”

Rey arrives within sensor range of T’Kal at the darkest hour in the midst of a heavy rainstorm, as planned. She avoids detection by staying inside the lightning storm until she plummets into the eastern sea.

After two hours underwater, she comes to a massive rock face that shimmers in her ship’s spotlight, a strange distorted image that ripples and folds, until she passes through it – and a large hangar appears. She lands her ship on the ledge and a team of Tallians swims out to meet her.

Securing her breathing apparatus, she opens the cockpit and the ocean sweeps her out of her seat and into the arms of a Tallian guard. He points to the shielded gate, over to which they help guide her.

Once Rey passes the shield she finds herself in a large tunnel, entirely dry. She removes her breathing apparatus and turns to her welcome committee, who are all facing her on bended knee.

“Welcome, Master Rey,” the leader says. “Please follow us to your quarters. Someone will collect you in the morning to meet with the war committee.”

With that, he stands and leads her down a long passage. Rey is glad they seem to get straight to the point. The leader opens a metal door to a strange room filled with what they must consider suitable living arrangements for a human.

A giant red pillow, larger than Rey, is hanging from the ceiling from each corner. There are no blankets. Rey suppresses a laugh and turns to the leader to thank him, but he is already gone. Two guards remain facing away from her on either side of her door. She tilts her head as the door closes her in.

Hesitantly, she climbs on her pillow and pulls her wet bag up after her. The pillow is certainly soft, but there’s a breeze coming in from the ventilation system. She rubs the sides of her arms and props herself within the folds of the pillow, wriggling herself into a little nest. Maybe she could sleep like this.

She opens her bag and pulls out the Jedi texts. Her eyelids heavy, she flips through the pages like she always does before bed. She comes to a chapter with sharp, uneven script. She chuckles.

“Cryptic doesn’t even come close,” she says to herself.

She yawns and continues to turn the pages.

“Passing through the Force,” she says. “Apparition? I’ve never understood this part. It’s like it’s saying you can retain your physical body after death, through the Force somehow. Just a load of drab theory. Only these books would make ghosts sound boring.”

She flips farther, her vision starting to become blurry with exhaustion. Then she skims over a word, and suddenly registers it with a start. _Connection._ She sits up and bends over the book, reading rapidly.

It’s a chapter about connecting two ends tethered by the Force and bringing them together. In the past she had always interpreted this as pulling an object toward you. But now that she’s looking closer, it doesn’t seem to be talking about objects at all. It’s talking about _minds._

The chapter goes into detail about forging a link. Much like how the weight and size of a thing matter not to a mind, concepts like distance and proximity should not either. When a link is established, connection is eminent. Reaction is eminent.

Large words and vague explanations, these were the themes of the Jedi texts. But what if this is something much more exciting than the logistics behind lifting rocks? What if, she thinks, this chapter is talking about a Force bond?

She reads on.

“Yes, here – ” she says. “‘Speak not – feel. And in this feeling shall you speak.’”

Rey has heard of people reaching out through the Force to express a simple word or message. Leia once described it to her like hearing your own thoughts talking to you. It comes from your heart; it swells up like an emotion.

She and Ben go far beyond that, don’t they? They converse, they see one another as clearly as if they were physically together. There doesn’t seem to be anything in here about that. But it is similar, isn’t it?

Rey continues to read; it reiterates for several pages the importance of feeling, of reaching, of connecting. And something about ‘asking permission from the receptor’, though she might be translating that wrong. It sounds to her that the book is saying you cannot communicate with an enemy. The two parties must be willing, bonded, and with a desire to hear what the other has to say.

The book says to block out physical stimulation (Rey closes her eyes…), ingest – or perhaps it means _let in_ the Force (Rey takes slow, deep breaths), feel the Force – never command it, let it command you… reach across the link, let it guide you to what is important or necessary….

Ben…Ben…Ben…

Establish consent. What does that mean?

Rey feels a pull, like her mind is attached to a string.

“Rey?”


	5. Closer

Kylo sits on the black sandy floor of his hut, eyes closed, listening to the thunderstorm. He’s spent the greater part of an hour taming his anger, keeping it sedentary, putting it somewhere else. He doesn’t want to be ripped apart by rage anymore; it’s making him nauseous.

But the pure thought of it is outrageous. A single woman bested Hux’s stormtroopers.

Siruya Albrawn managed to slip by fifty troopers waiting for her at the mine’s only passable exit. She’s vanished – she doesn’t even register on his tracker anymore.

He did the only thing he could do at this point: told General Hux to move forward with exterminating the Rohkian government despite Siruya Albrawn’s survival. The miners will likely ally with the First Order anyway. Killing her would have made her a martyr. Kylo has been telling himself that for three days. It doesn’t matter that his fleet is incompetent; it all worked out for the best.

Kylo recently moved his troops from Crait to T’Kal, to pick up an order they had placed for enhanced dreadnought canons. He has ordered General Hux to meet him there once he takes control of Rohk.

T’Kal is a hollow, melancholy sort of place. The black sand and ever-cloudy atmosphere is downright depressing, and in the rare moments when there are no thunderstorms, an eerie silence whispers through the air. Kylo already regrets insisting Hux meet him here. He wanted them to meet in the middle to save time, but even so, he’ll have to wait on this planet for days until Hux can be in a position to leave Rohk.

The wind is a loud and terrible gale outside. Kylo stands up and paces the small room. His anger is rounding back, jabbing him like fire pokers, bating him to explode.

It doesn’t matter, he tells himself again. Siruya Albrawn is only one person.

He takes several deep breaths and tries to think of nothing, but what he feels next is wholly unexpected. It’s Rey – her presence. She’s there, somewhere, just at the edge of his mind. Her energy buzzes inside him…it’s asking…asking what? It wants to come through?

He accepts it eagerly.

Rey’s slight body appears before him, curled up in a strange position.

“Rey?” he says.     

She gasps and sits up. “Ben? I did it! I can’t believe that worked!”

She scrambles upright and looks at him with a grin on her face. She steps forward, as though to greet him, and then stops, like she suddenly remembers they aren’t exactly friends.

That doesn’t sit well with Kylo. He feels an ache of longing, perhaps jealousy at her excitement, her youth, her eagerness at the abilities she’s gaining. The way he used to be, when he first learned the ways of the Force. But her brief excitement is snuffed out at the sight of him. He’s left feeling small and cruel, watching her animated face from a distance, like a monster that belongs in the shadows. What is she doing here?  

Rey senses this darkness in him and instantly regrets initiating contact. What was she thinking? They have nothing to say to each other.

“I shouldn’t have done this, should I?” she says, her smile fading away.

Kylo’s eyes meet hers. He is heavily guarded. Even within the bond she can’t sense anything.

“Why did you?” 

“I guess…” She frowns and looks down to the sacred text lying upside down on her pillow. She hesitates, but can’t seem to stop herself from telling him: “I have something. I’ve had them for a while and it’s been – amazing. I find myself wishing I could share them with someone. With you.”

Kylo cocks his head to the side. Despite his sour mood, he can’t help but be curious. She wants to share something with him? He feels special, for a moment, and then he mentally kicks himself for that reaction. He flinches as that glimmer of light is shoved back into a dark corner. _You can’t have this._

“What is it?” he asks.

Rey opens her mouth, and then closes it. Her brows return to a low line over her eyes. She’s torn. She’s worried. She’s changed her mind, and the spell is broken.

Kylo’s mood darkens. The ghost of a cruel voice intrudes in his mind.

_It seems I was mistaken…_

… _a child in a mask_

_You failed!_

Kylo shakes his head and he feels something similar to whiplash. It’s a small thing to be denied a secret. It means nothing. He’s used to being built up and torn down. It doesn’t affect him anymore. He’s incapable of holding onto pleasant thoughts; they’re taken away from him each and every time.  

Rey is chewing on her bottom lip, avoiding his gaze. A surge of anger strikes him and he can tell she feels it too. She looks at him for a reaction, but he’s not going to give her one.

The candlelight glows golden on her face. Her hazel eyes flicker magnificently in the darkness. Her face is so sweet.

Rey looks at him, sad and serious, and says, “I wish things were different.”

A silence passes between them. The only thing Kylo hates more than holding onto the past is wishing it could change.

“I want to tell you,” says Rey. “But I don’t think I can trust you with my secrets.”

Anger spikes red-hot inside him. Rey flinches.

“Keep them then,” he spits. “Why are you here?”

“I wanted to know if you were okay.” Rey says it without hesitation, but doesn’t look away from the ground.

His eyes grow for a second and then his face darkens. Rey is afraid of what’s churning inside him. She takes a step back. Something snaps in his defenses and she’s given access to his thoughts, though she’s sure he didn’t intend for that to happen.

He is angry with her. She can feel he doesn’t like her keeping things from him. He wants to have control over something. Rey takes that away because everything he wants is within in her power to give.

 _What do you want?_ she thinks.

 _Peace,_  he answers against his will.   

Rey can feel his exhaustion like it’s her own. An image of a hooded figure flits through Rey’s mind. The figure’s back is turned, but Rey recognizes the long, gray-brown hair cascading down her shoulder. Leia…

 “There’s a breaking point.” Kylo speaks so quietly Rey isn’t sure at first if she’s still only hearing his thoughts. He looks her in the eyes. “I know there is. There’re only so many tarnishes one soul can take before it crumbles away. This – this might be my undoing.”

Kylo is looking off in the distance, like he sees the figure too. He’s afraid, it’s written all over his face, and Rey wishes she didn’t have to feel it as well. She thinks of reaching out to pull him back to her. But she doesn’t. She knows he’ll push her away, and for some reason the thought of that hurts.

She finds her voice and says, “Is there anything I can do?”

He blinks and turns to her. He seems to be deciding something. He looks down and fumbles with his fingers.

“You never cease to amaze me,” he says in a low voice. “You’re kind. And strong. You’re everything I’m not. I don’t blame you for not wanting any part of this, or me. At least, I don’t anymore.”

“It not like that.” Rey takes a step toward him. “I wanted you with me. I still do. But there doesn’t seem to be anything anyone can do to bring you back. Your own father – ”

Kylo visibly winces. Rey sighs.

“I’m only saying he had faith in you,” she says. “He believed you to be strong enough and brave enough to come back. Everyone who’s loved you believes in you. Why do you put yourself through all this? What are you gaining?”

His mouth is a firm line as he broods, deep in thought. He waits to speak until his throat isn’t so tight, when he’s sure his voice won’t break.

“Rey, I – I don’t think I can take your disappointment right now. Please, just – leave it be.”

He loses his voice on the last word, and he freezes. He’s so tense, holding his breath like that, almost shaking in the effort to keep himself together. His eyes are red-rimmed, a thin shine appears against his eyelids, and his teeth press hard into his lip.

Rey doesn’t think she can take this anymore, this access to his mind. She struggles to take a breath and then she reaches for his hand, gloved and cold.

She holds his hand up against her palm and then gently takes off the glove. He watches her with a resigned look on his face.

“I am not disappointed in you,” she says. “I’m just trying to say…I missed you.”

Kylo swallows. His eyebrows are curved in a deep frown. He’s searching her eyes for deception. Rey can feel his confusion overpower his sorrow.

She holds his bare hand between both of hers, turning it over, noticing how much larger it is than hers, how strong and calloused.   

“What if –?” She stops and takes a deep breath. “What if we pretend, just for now, that there is no light or dark? That we could be anyone we wanted to be. Do _…_ whatever we wanted.”

Her words hang in the air for a moment, and then Kylo’s eyes snap to hers, with a fire that’s almost terrifying. It would have been terrifying if it didn’t send an electric pulse straight to her core.

They wait inside the tension, staring into each other’s eyes, the Force building around them, their connection growing stronger than ever.

It takes one motion: Kylo’s eyes flicking down to her lips, and they are swept away like waves in an ocean.  

Rey pushes up on her tiptoes and kisses him before she can think. His eyes are wide but he receives her like air to a drowning man. His lips are soft and full, they move against hers in a way that touches deep inside her, in a place that’s never been awoken before. He pushes his tongue past her lips and he tastes so good and he smells so good and she never realized how much she’s wanted this.

Rey supposed it would be passion, the way her body responds to him, but it is something different. It’s calm, peaceful, satisfying, like waking up feeling rested.

She starts to tremble at the seriousness of this kiss. Kylo gently touches his forehead to hers, his eyes closed, and breaks contact with her lips. Their noses touch and they breathe in together. He places his hands over her arms and pulls her closer to him, then snakes his fingers around the back of her neck and through her hair. A flex of his fingers tips her neck back.

He kisses her again, this time harder, closer. He can’t believe she’s letting him do this. She can hardly believe it either. Her arms hang weakly at her sides.

“Touch me,” he breathes between kisses.

She wraps her arms around his waist and feels the strong, hard shape of his back. He steps closer, instinctively, and she feels so dizzy she has to close her eyes.

“Closer,” he says.

She slips her hands under his shirt and feels his warm, bare skin. He groans into her mouth and it tapers off into a kind of whimper that melts her anew and makes her grab onto his back tighter.

“Oh Rey,” he says, dragging his fingers up her scalp. With one hand he lightly massages the back of her neck. He’s so affectionate like this, so responsive. Desire pools inside Rey like nothing she’s ever felt.

She feels him hard against her stomach and she begins to see stars. His kisses are becoming more aggressive, with little nips and sucks, and she thinks she might not survive this.

“Ben,” she gasps. “We aren’t even properly together.”

“I don’t care.”

He starts kissing along her cheek and down her neck and she can’t help but groan into his hair. She’s gripping his shirt so hard; it’s a wonder it doesn’t tear off. Something registers with him, though, and he pulls away abruptly.

“Does that mean you want to stop?”

She shakes her head and grabs his head and pulls him back to her. He bends down and lifts her up into the air with graceful ease, so she is straddling his hips and leaning over him, for once. She grips his hair and rubs the lobe of his ear.

Each little touch of hers hits Kylo in a new way from the last; he wants all of it, _now_. His nerves are on fire, each stroke against his skin or pull on his hair resonates through his whole body. Pleasure coils in his abdomen and he thinks he’ll embarrass himself if they don’t slow down.

Rey can feel his mood stronger than she ever has before; it’s loud in her mind, he’s not even trying to conceal anything from her. He’s happy in an anxious sort of way, it’s glowing from inside him. He’s relieved and in control and not burdened by anything dark right now.

Kylo breaks away from her, finally needing to breathe, and buries his face in her neck, panting.

“I think,” Rey whispers, “we may not have much time left.”

She can already feel the Force’s soft waves ebb away from them.

“No…” Kylo groans.

Rey smiles at that.

“I’ll try to find you again tomorrow,” she says. “And I’ll show you my secret.”

He nods but doesn’t release her. He holds on tightly, as if that will make her stay. But he can feel it too, the energy weakening. And a few long seconds later, he’s clutching nothing but air.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please review! Thanks for reading!


	6. Barely Even Friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to get an update out for Valentine's Day! Happy V-Day, everyone! I love you all!

Rey wakes up the following morning to a guard ringing a buzzer on her intercom.   “Master Rey,” the digitized voice says. “Are you ready to meet with the committee?”

“I am – yes!” Rey scrambles off of her pillow-bed and pulls her hair up in three buns right before the door opens.

The guard from last night stands there and inclines his head.

“If you’ll follow me.”

Rey follows him through the metallic tunnel for several minutes before they reach the door to a grand room with yellow sconces along the wall. The room is filled with shadows stretched in all angles. Twelve Tallians are kneeling on colored rugs. They bow their heads to Rey.

A man in the middle stands and holds out his hand.

“I am Kana, chief of this sector,” he says. “These are the leaders of all twelve of our military branches.”

Kana gestures to a bright green rug on the floor and waits for Rey to sit down.

“We’ve been discussing the tactical plans for the Revolution,” Kana explains. “General Dameron contacted us early this morning – he is still committed to offering his fighters. When the Revolution is over, we will reciprocate by offering our best soldiers to assist his attack on the First Order, as agreed.

“In the meantime, General Dameron assured us that you would stay to train our highest elite. You have no obligation to assist in the Revolution, however. Is this consistent with the agreement into which you believed you were entering?”

“Yes,” says Rey.

“Excellent. The guard will now bring you to the training arena, where ten of our best are waiting.”

“Ten? I’m only to train ten of them?”

“Yes.”

“You’re going to overthrow kanjiklub’s military base with ten people?”

The other sector chiefs exchange looks.

Kana stands and picks up a small devise from a desk. He hands it to Rey. On the screen are a list of names and their assigned battalions.

“Between the twelve sectors, there are two hundred soldiers. They’ve been preparing for this almost all their lives. They will be ready. The ten in the other room are the best of them. They have worked the hardest and show the most consistent results. They will not disappoint you.”

Rey stands up and faces Kana.

“I was told that Tallians were some of the oldest Force users. That in ancient times, everyone was taught the ways of the Force, and many even served on the old Jedi council. I realize circumstances have changed, but you can’t tell me only ten soldiers have expressed interest in learning from me.”

Kana’s large, purple eyes did not meet Rey’s.

“You’re right, circumstances have changed,” he says. “The Force is sacred. It is not for any commoner to know. Only those with the highest intellect and discipline are allowed to study the subject. These ten are children of nobility – decedents of generations of Force users. The oldest, Tep – his great great grandfather was trained by Master Yoda himself.”

Rey purses her lips. She considers telling him that she, their admired Master Jedi, is a ‘commoner’ herself – the lowest kind. But she decides against it.

“I don’t mean any disrespect,” she says to all the chiefs, “but I do not believe anyone should be restricted from learning the ways of the Force. I will train all of them. Please have them prepared to train in shifts, twenty at a time.”

Kana and the other chiefs watch her in awe as she walks to the door. Some appear to be angry. But when Rey turns back to them before exiting, Kana nods and says, “As you wish, Master Jedi.”

Rey has to figure out how to breathe normally as she accompanies the guard to the training arena. Two hundred soldiers – she has never trained that many at one time. She may be in way over her head. But she can’t stop thinking about all those slaves and peasants she’s met over the years – the ones who had the least – have some of the most potential. It is to everyone’s benefit that they all be given this opportunity.

The titanium doors of the training arena open to reveal ten young Tallians; some are jogging in place, others are lifting heavy metal scraps from spaceships. They turn to her and bow. Rey steps forward and the guards close the doors behind her.

By the end of the day, Rey is completely exhausted. She manages to keep her back straight as she returns with the guard to her room, and manages to bid him a good night without yawning. But when her door closes behind her, she staggers toward her pillow and drops down face first.

She picks up one of the Jedi texts and holds it to her chest.

“Ben…” she says, pushing her mind to his; it snaps in like a puzzle. “I know it’s late, but I haven’t forgotten…”

He isn’t there. She can sense his presence just past her reach, but he doesn’t grant her access. She doesn’t question it. She closes her eyes and finds immediate sleep.

 

A week goes by before Rey is able to connect with Kylo again. Four of the days she didn’t even try to reach out. When she had returned to her room for a few hours of sleep in the very early hours of the morning, she had little energy left to attempt contact. And three of the days she tried to find him during her suppertime. But like the first night, he didn’t accept her connection.

Tonight, however, Rey enters her room and hardly closes her eyes to attempt it before Kylo is standing before her.

“Oh!” She jumps. “There you are.”  

“Busy week?” he asks, crossing his arms over his chest.

She nods. “For you too, I suppose. I couldn’t get through.”

“I’ve been in the company of others almost constantly,” he says with a trace of annoyance.

“Well, let’s not waste time, then.”

Rey goes toward her artificial window and snatches the Jedi texts off the sill. She returns to Kylo, who is eyeing whatever’s in her hands and feigning disinterest.  

“I’ll show you these under one condition,” she says.

He raises an eyebrow.

“Any subjects you’re interested in, or anything you’d like to try – you do with me. This is for educational purposes only.”     

He blinks and stares, like he’s waiting for the punch line of a joke. She only looks back at him, the corners of her mouth twitching.

“Here you are, then.” She hands him one of the books.

Kylo takes it and feels its weight. He turns the soft leather over in his hands and looks at the title. Ancient symbols, a faded picture. What is this?

He opens it and the archaic pages crinkle as they reveal more symbols, diagrams, pictures, and – is that a kyber crystal?

“Rey,” Kylo breathes, “where did you get these?”

Her charming grin is back. She reaches over and turns the pages to a chapter near the middle.

“Look,” she says. “A guide to becoming a Master. How to instruct others.”

“Forms, history, legends…” His brown eyes are wide as they scan the pages. Rey finds his eager face endearing.

“There’s even a chapter on the dark side,” Rey says. “I bet you’d find it fascinating from the Jedi’s perspective.”

Kylo frowns at that, but turns to sit down on the floor and lays the book over his folded legs. Rey sits next to him, holding the other texts.

“This book here is a complete history about the first known Force-users. And this one is 1,050 pages about the Force and the different kinds of energy – why some energy connects better than others, why it’s important to meditate, that sort of thing. It’s horribly drab, I still can’t get through a whole chapter without falling asleep.”

“Have you read all these?”

“Oh yes.” Rey smiles.

She hands him another book. “This one is meant for two people. It’s a training guide for lightsaber duels. Did you know that it’s proper etiquette to cross blades for a moment before dueling? Even between enemies – it’s a sign of respect to the Force.”

“Yeah…I’m not doing that,” Kylo says and Rey laughs out loud. He looks at her curiously and his lips turn up in the smallest of smiles.

“This would be a good book to read together,” says Rey. “It would be good to practice with another Master.”

“You’re calling yourself a Master now, then?”

“I am a Master,” says Rey. “I’ve completed everything the book says about it. In fact, technically it’s you who hasn’t completed the requirements.”

Kylo looks at her ready to argue, but she has mirth in her eyes. He glares at her and returns to the book.

“This is incredible,” he says after a while. He realizes Rey has been resting her head on his arm while looking through the pages. She nods.

“And…there’s something about our bond in here?” he asks.

Rey sits up. “No, not exactly. What Snoke did wasn’t a Jedi trick. It’s not…natural. But since it’s happened, it looks like we can have control over it, if we want, at least in some ways. The bridge is already built, we just have to cross over.”

Kylo is quiet for a moment. He wets his lips and asks the question he had promised himself he wouldn’t ask.

“Can you show me how?”

***

Rey makes her way toward her room from the training arena on the tenth day since her arrival. She hides a big yawn behind her hand. She and Kylo have spent almost every night looking at the Jedi texts. The vigorous training with the students and her and Kylo’s nightly meetings has rendered her exhausted. She looks forward to a nap back in her quarters.

However, when she passes the chief’s guards to enter the main corridor, she is ushered instead through the golden doors of the conference room. Sitting on the colored rugs are the twelve military leaders, Chief Kana, and a tall woman Rey thinks looks familiar.

Before Kana can speak, the woman rises and greets Rey with a stiff nod.

“Siruya Albrawn,” she says, touching forearms with Rey. “It’s good to meet you in person at last.”

“Oh! Yes – I didn’t realize you were here.”

Siruya rubs her temples with her three fingers. “I’ve only just arrived. I had some trouble back on Crait. And it seems it’s followed me here. The First Order is on the surface as we speak. Precisely what we were hoping to avoid.”

Rey’s jaw drops and her stomach feels like it’s falling. “The First Order?”

“Yes, as bad luck would have it – all the leaders anyway. Our sources say a good number of their stormtroopers are still on Rohk, but it won’t make a difference. We hardly stood a chance against kanjiklub as it was.”

Rey notices a gaping wound on Siruya’s right bicep. She must have dug out her tracker.

“This may be a blessing in disguise, however.” Kana motions for both Siruya and Rey to take a seat. “It is clear we cannot start the Revolution until The First Order leaves, so all the more time for training.”

“The Resistance is on their way – this wasn’t apart of our agreement!” Siruya hits the ground with her small fist. “If they decide they can’t wait, we’re doomed. We decided now would be the time because most of kanjiklub is off-planet. I don’t know when we’ll have that opportunity again.”

“Surely anything is better than facing The First Order,” says Kana.

“I agree,” says Rey. “You mustn’t do a thing until they’re gone.”

“I thought maybe they were just passing by,” Kana says, shaking his head. “But it’s been a week…no pick up order takes that long.”

Rey’s brow creases as she tries to think fast. “And when does the Resistance get here?”

“Three days.”

Rey curses under her breath and scrunches her eyes closed. It’s the closest to real fear she’s felt in a long time. She thinks it must be fear for these people and their failed opportunity for freedom. And yet something stirs inside her, something that’s become a kind of a comfort, a light within her. A piece of consciousness, always just within her grasp, a low, somber voice, strong hands, soft lips…

She cannot fight him now. She won’t.

“We must warn the Resistance,” says Rey.

“And if they decide not to come? This is our only chance!” A fire is glowing from Siruya’s eyes, and Rey finds it both beautiful and terrifying.

“We might be leading them into a trap,” Rey snaps back. “Is that how you’d treat your allies? Poe is only sending a portion of the fleet – he isn’t prepared for this. You must tell him.”

“Remove her,” Siruya growls to a guard.

“Siruya…” Kana places a hand on her knee, which she promptly swipes away.

“If she won’t help us, there’s no point in having her here. Stay or go, Rey. Help train our army or don’t. But I won’t let you ruin all we’ve worked for. Guards.”

Rey stands up and Force-pushes the guards against the wall. She glares at Siruya.

“You’re making a mistake,” she says. She turns to Kana. “Warn the Resistance. You know it’s right.”

She turns on her heel and exits the room before the guards have a chance to break free. She returns to her room and slams the door.

Immediately she reaches out to Kylo, but he doesn’t accept her.

“No!” she cries. “Talk to me! Tell me what you’re doing here!”

Hot tears spill over and her knees fall to the polished floor. She lets herself weep – she’s exhausted, she’s fatigued. She needs to think of something. The Resistance can’t lose another fleet. She doesn’t want to confront Kylo. The thought of it brings up bile in her throat. Somehow she thought she would always have time to reconcile this. The light of the Republic, the darkness of the First Order…it was for another day.

She gasps and chokes on a sob as she remembers what Leia said before she died. _My son is gone…they must not hold back_.

How could Rey believe that, when he holds her so warmly, looks to her for some kind of friendship, has begun to admire her, even trust her? It’s hardly betrayal when they’re already enemies – but she knows he would still see it that way. All hope would truly be lost if she stabbed him in the back like that, after everything.

 

Hours pass and Rey’s room is dark except for a dim light from her artificial window. She is still on the cold, hard floor, haven fallen asleep after a time.

Kylo appears, materializing next to her body, standing over her.

He notices she’s sleeping and decides he’ll come back later. But why is she on the floor? With a brief jolt, he wonders if she’s injured. He bends down and squats behind her back. The curve of her body rises and falls softly; she’s only sleeping. But her arms are purple and covered in goose bumps… and now that he’s looking, she appears to be shivering.   

He tips her toward him, over his arms, and lifts her up. She doesn’t wake. He carries her to the pillow-bed and sets her down. Where are her blankets? He looks around, but there’s nothing in this room but cold marble. He sheds his cloak and drapes it over her. She shudders, but still doesn’t wake.

He rests a hand on her shoulder.

“Goodnight, Rey,” he says and then disappears.


	7. Black Sand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a monster of a chapter...guess I got a bit carried away. Here's a hint of fluff and a whole lot of angst to carry us through...

Rey spends the following morning training the Tallian troops. She was tempted to refuse, but she couldn’t bring herself to punish her students for their leaders’ actions. Many of them have been making impressive progress – particularly Tep. When she was first introduced to his highness, the descendent of Master Yoda’s own padawan, she took his titles with a grain of salt. It’s always been the poor castaways that Rey’s been most eager to teach. But by the end of their first day together, she knew she had met a kindred spirit. He is not the product of pampering and arrogance. He’s easily her most polite, respectful, and eager student.

They train hard all morning until they break for lunch. Rey’s face is beet red as she finds a place in the arena to sit and devour her food portion. She’s vaguely aware of a group of students to her left talking about stealing weapons from kanjiklub. They argue loudly. It triggers a pain in Rey’s temple.           

“It’s got to be early in the morning, while it’s still dark,” one student says. “Didn’t you hear the First Order’s on the surface?”

Rey balls up her fist and presses it to her forehead. The anxiety she had wrestled into a cage in her chest starts to awaken again. She swallows and stands back up and calls the students back to work. She needs to distract herself. She’ll be no use to Poe as a nervous wreck.

When she returns to her room in the evening, she spends less than two minutes alone before her anticipation gets the better of her and she gathers all the Jedi texts in her bag and slings it over her shoulder.

If Kylo won’t answer her, she will go to him.

She opens her door, turns back briefly to the large black cloak lying on her pillow-bed, and takes off down the corridor.   

She jogs through the maze-like tunnel and makes for the first pipeline that leads to the surface. A shadow passes in front of her and she stops in her tracks. She turns to see Kana standing in the adjacent passage.

He doesn’t say anything, but his large purple eyes drift to the bag over her shoulder.

“Have you warned Poe?” she asks harshly. “Does the Resistance know about the First Order?”

Kana takes a step toward her, his hands raised in an attempt to make her see reason. “We’ll tell them when they arrive. You have my word.”

“But not before.” Rey readjusts her bag on her shoulder. “That’s what I thought.”

She turns her back to him and climbs the metal ladder that leads to the pipeline. Kana doesn’t say anything before she shuts the porthole behind her. She needs to find Kylo and find out what he’s doing here, see if there’s a way to convince him to leave the planet. She needs to talk to him in person without their time getting cut by the Force.

Rey sets off on the darkening surface. The night storm is starting to brew in the polarized clouds above. It doesn’t take Rey long to find a stormtrooper. An absent minded straggler is apparently guarding the troop’s private huts on the edge of a supply center. She marches right up to him, holds her staff to his throat and says, “You will take me to Kylo Ren.”

He’s unresponsive for a moment, his weapon hanging weakly from his arm. Then finally his helmet nods a few more times than necessary and he leads her through camp until they reach a large cluster of huts.

His monotone, digitized voice drones, “There – largest one in the back.”

Rey promptly scampers behind the other huts, trying to avoid detection from anyone else. No one seems to be out with the thunder beginning to rumble. She sneaks under windows and makes as little noise as possible as she avoids stationary equipment on the ground and large rocks that are scattered everywhere. At last she approaches Kylo’s hut on the perimeter. She looks around to make sure no one’s watching and marches up to his door and taps it with her staff.

The door opens. Kylo looks angry at the intrusion – and then his jaw drops at the sight of her. He automatically moves to the side to let her in and then slams the door shut and peaks through his window to see if anyone was looking.

“What are you doing here?” he demands. “Are you alone? Where is the Resistance? Is this an ambush? Why have you come?”

Rey walks into the small space and drops her bag next to his cot. She leans up against the wall and catches her breath. Kylo peers out his small window again, as if expecting an army to start storming the area.

“I’m alone,” Rey says.

Kylo whirls around. “How long – ?”

“I’ve been here almost two weeks,” she says.

He exhales sharply and his brows form into a deep crease. “You – you’ve…”

Rey huffs impatiently and stands up straight, facing him. “I need to talk to you.”

“All along you’ve been here,” he muses. “You reached out…but the whole time you were right here.”

“I didn’t know you were here either, Kylo,” Rey says.

Kylo considers her for a moment. “Then what are you doing, if not to try to attack – ?”

“I can’t tell you that,” Rey says and Kylo’s eyes flash. “I actually need to know why _you_ are here.”

“Surely you’re smarter than that.”

Rey balls up her fists and laments, “You weren’t supposed to linger, just pick up and go. I need to know why you haven’t left yet. Please, if there’s anyway you can trust that I’m not trying to attack you and just answer me...”

She has that look again, the look he’s grown fond of. She’s determined and intense, and a strange part of him he wasn’t aware existed is enjoying seeing her flustered and impatient. She wants his trust, though? She must have hit her head on her way to see him.

“I’m not going to answer that, Rey.”

She closes her eyes and tries to find her way back to calmness. There must be another way. She hasn’t thought of it yet, but there is a way to keep the Resistance from walking into a colossal trap.

Kylo watches her and notices the way the Force responds to her. It’s symphonic, like she’s directing music. The Force bends to her – it strengthens her. He frowns and looks down to the pack she brought.

Before she can stop him he swoops down and grabs it, dumping out the Jedi texts on his little table.

“You brought these?”

Rey picks one up and holds it to her chest. “I keep them with me at all times.”

“I have a proposition for you,” Kylo says, resting his hand on the top of the stack. “Leave these with me, and I’ll tell you why I’m here.”

Rey scoffs. “No! Not a chance.”

“Do you want to know or don’t you?”

“You can read them,” she says. “But I’m not leaving them.”

“Very well.” To her surprise, he grabs a book, sits on his cot, and opens it to the first page.

“Ben…”

He doesn’t answer her, his lips pursed together as he begins to read.

She frowns and watches in silence. This is nothing but stubbornness. She has a feeling he has no problem giving her the information she needs. He’s toying with her.

She tries to control how much frustration he can sense. If he wants to read all night, fine. She’s going to work on more calming exercises.  

Kylo clears his throat.

“You called me Kylo,” he says, eyes still on the book.

“What?” Rey snaps.

“A minute ago. You said, I didn’t know you were here, Kylo.”

She stares at him.

He continues to read.

“Would you prefer Supreme Leader?”

His eyebrow raises and the corners of his mouth twitch.

Rey takes a seat next to him on the cot and draws her knees up to her chest.

“I am never going to call you that.”

“Look here, Master Jedi,” he says, his eyes flicking up to her. “You came to me, remember? If you’re going to stay, you’ll have to show some respect.”

Rey gawks at him, a shiver going up her spine. Is he – _flirting_ with her?

He smirks and returns to his book.

Rey leans her head against the wall. He doesn’t make any sense. She tries to smooth out her frown and close her eyes to return to a calm state. The blanket she’s on is warm. The wind outside blows a steady, consistent current. The candlelight is awfully cozy in this dark space…

 

Rey wakes sometime after the sun’s come up, curled up in Kylo’s cot, warm inside the blankets. She bolts up and looks around. He’s not there. Neither are her books. Panicking, she stands up and rushes to the door. There’s a folded up note stuck to the back.

_Rey – stay put if you want to live. Don’t you dare try to escape in the daylight. The texts are safe. I’ll be back in the evening. – Supreme Leader_

Rey grumbles and returns to the cot. She mentally kicks herself for falling asleep last night. Now what’s she supposed to do?

She looks around. There’s not much here besides the little table and his rations. She finds a box under the bed and she opens it without any hesitation. Some books, spare robes, and a small velvet bag that contains four faded dice and a small stone. A game, maybe?

She pulls out the books and drops them on the cot. She settles back into the blankets and begins to look through them. One is a ship manual, with a worn out set of blueprints folded up in the back. She opens them up and blinks, hardly believing it.

“It’s – the Falcon…”

She turns the blueprints over in her hands. She thinks of Chewie. He’ll be halfway across the galaxy now. Some Resistance lieutenant will be his copilot, probably messing everything up. She chuckles despite the pang in her chest.

She sets the manual down and picks up another.

_Leadership: A Brief History & Guide to Chandrila Politics_

Rey opens the binding and scratched on the first page in purple curvy ink reads: “ _Property of Princess Leia Organa_ ”. Rey rests her fingers over it.

The next book is on piloting. Then a children’s book about lightsabers with colored pencil marks throughout. A history textbook on the Battle of Endor. Even a guide to plant and animal life on Kashyyyk. What is all this?

For someone who wants to forget the past, he’s got an awful lot of memorabilia.  

Rey digs around his cold sacks for food portions and munches while reading.

The day passes quicker than she thought it would. The sun is setting when she hears the creak of the door opening. She draws her knees up and freezes until Kylo’s broad form is framed in the doorway.

He looks tired. He shuts the door behind him and removes his cloak. He takes a look at all his books scattered around her.

“Figures,” he mutters and slumps into a chair.  

She offers him a mug of tea. He takes it but doesn’t drink.

“Now’s the time if you want to go back,” he says. “Hux already retired to his hut and the night watch is mainly on the northern side keeping an eye on kanjiklub.”

“My books?” she asks.

Kylo sighs and runs a hand through his hair. He sits back and looks at her for a moment before saying, “They’re outside in the firebox. Go ahead, take them.”

Rey sits up and blinks.

“It’s alright, go,” he says. “I’m on this planet because I decided to arrange a meeting with kanjiklub. I’m thinking of using them to transport equipment to the new planets we’ve acquired. We’re not presently agreeing on terms, so it could take a few more days. Is that all you needed to know? I may need to call in General Hux if you require further tactical knowledge.”

Rey rolls her eyes and looks down at _Leadership: A Brief History & Guide to Chandrila Politics _lying open on the bed. She struggles with what to say next. He and his fleet need to leave _now_ , but how to encourage that without arising suspicion? An anxious knob digs its way through her organs and she realizes it is guilt. She doesn’t want to trick him.

Kylo swirls the tea in his mug, his jaw set.

“I was thinking…” Rey starts.

Kylo looks up at her.

“We never did look through that dueling book.”

His face seems to lighten. The grim atmosphere between them starts to dissipate as Kylo realizes she’s offering to stay. He goes outside, retrieves the Jedi texts and drops them on the bed next to his own.

“We’re not going to be able to practice anything,” Kylo says. “There’s nowhere to spar where we won’t be seen.”

“Hm. Another time, I guess.”

With an anxious look he grabs another book. “We haven’t gotten to this one yet, either.”

Rey smiles and moves over so he can sit down.

“You read,” he says.

She takes the book from him and places it over her lap, aware that the sides of their legs are touching.

“Alright, here’s a part I’ve always liked,” she says and wets her lips to read. “‘Destiny and the Force are synonymous. Fate controls all things, connects all life. It’s essential for the Force-user to understand this above all else. It is our choices that determine balance. Light and dark are both choices – the Force does not provide us with one or the other. We must each choose our own destiny.’”

Kylo is quiet. Rey leans against his shoulder, her cheek brushing the black fabric on his arm. Gradually, ever so gradually, he rests his head on top of hers. She doesn’t know why her heart beats like this, or why she feels a heat gather between her thighs. She’s very aware of his hand resting on his leg. She wonders if he can tell how badly she wants to hold it.

She continues reading: “‘With this understanding of destiny, Force-users may choose to observe the future and it’s many possibilities. The Jedi have not only the ability, but also an obligation to gaze ahead and plan accordingly. The future is never certain, but it must be considered and respected, notwithstanding.

‘Similarly, alternate options in one’s destiny ought to be explored. Reality is not dimensional. It’s abstract, malleable, an archive of the mind that can be placed before a Force-user to flip through at will. Think of the present as facetted. Open your mind and embrace reality’s possibilities. Feel what might have been. Accept the alternatives you have faced, the directions in which you might have gone. Acknowledge these alternatives as much as you acknowledge present reality, for they are as much apart of you as the rest. The Force is not linear. Feel this. Accept it not as knowledge, but as emotion.’”

Kylo doesn’t know if it’s what Rey is reading or if he’s fallen asleep and started to dream, but he suddenly feels very unusual; lightheaded, off-balance.

He opens his eyes and he’s somewhere else. He’s in a large room with red walls and high ceilings. His boots echo on the polished black marble floor. What…? He turns around and there’s a high-backed throne before him, with a half a body sitting upon it. Snoke…

“Order them to stop firing on the fleet!”

Kylo looks over his shoulder. Rey is behind him, standing in front of a scanner. Kylo is holding her lightsaber, Luke’s lightsaber, his grandfather’s lightsaber.

Rey turns to him, waiting for help. But it’s not a decision he must make. The Force has already made it – it has made infinite decisions for him. The first time, Kylo had chosen only one of them. This time, however, he nods and rushes toward the monitor. He types in a code and a command, and the attack ceases. He looks down at Rey, standing next to him with a beautiful smile on her face. It melts his heart. She’s proud of him.

“Come this way,” he says. “I know what to do.”

He holds his gloved hand out to her…and she takes it. They run to the corridor together.

The image swirls away and dissolves into a different one. He’s looking out the vast window of the Resistance’s star cruiser at his – the First Order’s – fleet in ruins, breaking apart in space, floating away…

Rey is by his side, leaning against his shoulder.

“Thank you, Ben,” she whispers.

He hears a gentle cough behind him. He senses her before he turns to look. His heart stops and he’s not sure he can move.

“It’s alright,” Rey sooths. “I’ll help you.”

He takes a deep breath and turns around.

Leia, his mother, is standing three strides away from him, clutching a cane in one hand, and covering her mouth with the other. There are tears in her eyes.

He knows he should feel shame, but a different feeling has flooded in. It must be love, though he can’t say he’s ever understood what that feels like. He can’t move; his legs aren’t responding.

“My son…” Leia cries, her voice wrecking him. “My boy…”

In a second, he’s crossed the distance between them. He stands over her, tall, still, his arms itching to wrap around her soft body.

She looks up at him with the warmest smile he’s ever seen from her. She laughs like she hasn’t a care in the galaxy and wipes away her tears.

“Ben,” she croons. She lifts her hand and cups his left cheek. Her hand is soft and gentle…

“Ben…?”

The image dissolves again, and in all his sorry life he’s never been so desperate to go back. He’s never pleaded so hard with any force in existence to return him to that scene.

He opens his eyes and Rey is leaning over him, calling his name, her hands on his shoulders. He takes a great gasp of air, like he had been drowning. He’s entirely disoriented. He can’t stop shaking, his skin is clammy, he can’t breathe.

“What happened?” Rey asks, her hazel eyes large and concerned.

She’s too kind to him. It’s poison. He retches.

“Ben?”

“You tricked me,” he spits. “You made me see that.”

“See what? I didn’t – ”

“It doesn’t matter because you know what – because it means NOTHING!”

Rey leans back from him, startled.

“What did you think was going to happen?” he shouts. “I’ve never – not a day’s – just pain and loss and…there’s nothing you or anyone can show me that’s worse than…I already know! I _know_ , Rey – I’ve made all the wrong choices. I know I have…But do I deserve this cruelty? I…”

He tries to keep speaking, but can’t. He slouches over and puts a hand over his eyes.

Rey wastes no time to slip into his mind. She sees glimpses of the vision he saw. It’s raw and throbbing. It was unexpected. It ambushed him. She can feel his thoughts loud in her mind. This is not something that will bring him to the light. It’s too late. Doesn’t she see that? It’s been too late. It will always be too late.

“Ben,” she says gently. “Try to feel what you know is true. I didn’t do this…”

He doesn’t respond and doesn’t seem to believe her.

She puts a hand on his leg. “I’m not trying to turn you to the light side anymore.”

He looks up, his dark brown eyes bloodshot and sinister.

“Everything between us lately,” she explains, “it’s only because we’re connected through the bond. I want to learn from you, I want to share these texts with you and figure out more together. I wish we weren’t enemies, but maybe we can figure out a way to have this anyway. Compromise somehow. I don’t want you to change anymore. I won’t ever ask you to again.”

What Rey intended to be comforting strikes him like a lightsaber through the chest. _She’s given up on him._

Kylo has never hated himself more. It’s so far beyond self-pity; it’s violent, sharp, utter loathing. He is nothing of a man. As a child he was a poor apprentice, a poor Jedi, a poor son…now he’s a hundred times worse. He’s gone nowhere but backwards. Rey is telling him what he knows is true, what he has always wanted her to understand, yet it does nothing but torture him further.  

“I want it to end,” he says darkly. “Help me, Rey. Make it stop.”

She can’t feel him anymore. He’s either blocked her out or gone numb. She’s so concerned she thinks she might be sick. Her sympathy for him flushes over her like a fever.

She curls her legs to the side and leans over him. She snakes her arms around his torso and rests her head on his chest. He doesn’t move.

“We’ll figure this out,” she says. “Stay with me. Don’t leave.”

Kylo takes a staggering breath.

“Hold me,” she says. “Put your arms around me and feel this. I’m here, I’m real, and I’m not going anywhere.”

She feels the pressure of his arms; they seem to envelop her whole torso.

She can feel his chest heave as he coughs up a heart-wrenching sob. Rey tries not to, but tears fall down her face before she can stop them. The way his breath shakes as he breathes in, the constricting of his abs, the tiny whimpers that escape from his throat…it was all Rey could do to hold herself tight against his chest.

His fingers are bruising her arms, and she doesn’t care in slightest. It’s proof he’s still here – he’s not running away or casting her out.

Rey can’t speak anymore, so she pushes her thoughts inside his mind.

_You’re not beyond hope. You’re not unlovable. The light may not be able to save you, but there might still be a way. It could be different, if you want. If the past is destroying you, find something that builds you up. There are other options, I promise._

She thinks of the kiss they shared what seems like a lifetime ago. For all his anger, he is more capable of compassion than he thinks. She can feel his resistance, his fear of her, what she’s offering. In some ways he wishes he had never met her. It wouldn’t be better, but he would be much more unfeeling. It wouldn’t be such agony to get through each day. But as it stands, she is here, she’s holding onto him, and he’d wipe out the whole galaxy before letting someone take her away.

He breathes, finds his way back to the ground, breathes, and tries to clear his mind. He looks down at her head, her lovely hair wrapped up in those buns, lying over him.

He shakes his head, sadly. This isn’t right. She doesn’t deserve this and he doesn’t deserve her. He wants to do right by her. Make her proud of him. See that look on her face like the one in his vision where he made the right choice. He can’t latch on now. He can’t use her as an anchor. He would destroy her, and he’s already caused her too much pain.

Fatigue engulfs him like a crashing wave. He runs a hand over Rey’s back. He can see her little nose peak out past her forehead. Her hair is soft, little tendrils hang across her cheeks. Her right hand, such a small, slender thing, is resting on his chest. Her leg is entwined with his… At some point he transitions from looking at her to dreaming about her, and he drifts into sleep for the first time in days.


	8. Treason

Rey wakes in the early hours of the morning – it’s still dark and cool. She’s warm and comfortable with Kylo curled around her. He has one hand cradling the back of her neck and his face is nestled in the crook of her shoulder. His large arm is lying across her stomach, the tips of his fingers resting just under her shirt. His face is soft with sleep.  

At first Rey isn’t aware that anything had woken her up. Then a second shrill siren goes off outside. Kylo wakes with a start.

He sits up and it takes him a confused five seconds to register what the sound means.

“Intruders,” he mutters and rushes to the window.

He pulls on his cloak and boots, but Rey beats him to the door.

“No – stay here!” he shouts, but she opens the door, scrambles outside, and begins to search for the direction of the noise.  

A cluster of stormtroopers is up ahead, shuffling toward the side of a supply hub. Rey runs to them, not even bothering trying to find a hiding place, Kylo at her heals. She pushes past a blur of white uniforms, knocking them to the side like foliage in a forest, until she reaches the front where they are all looking at the hooded mouth of the supply hub.

Rey sees a glimpse of three Tallians in the shadows. They are students from the army – wide-eyed, frozen in place, grasping onto each other. Kylo grabs her arm just as she darts forward, right before the troopers raise their weapons to fire. One of the Tallians throws a smoke bomb and they run for it, heading for the closest pipeline to the underground tunnels.

“NO!” Rey screams. “You’ll lead them right to it!”    

Rey pulls her arm back from Kylo, Force-pulls a trooper’s blaster into her hand, and shoots at the stormtroopers following the Tallians. They turn and shoot back at her – she somersaults to the left to avoid them, and bolts for the tunnel to reach cover.

“Seize them!” shouts a hysterical voice. General Hux is running after them from the huts, his nightclothes still on, holding a lantern in front of him.

Rey catches up to the Tallians who are huddled by the entrance of the tunnel.

“Don’t open it! You’ll let them in!”

They take their hands off the door wheel and turn to her, terrified.

“What do we do?” Tep calls to her.

Hux is laughing at the pipe entrance as the stormtroopers gather behind him. A long stretch of white light leaks in the pipeline from Hux’s lantern. Rey stands in front of the Tallians and faces him trying to look brave and wishing she hadn’t left her lightsaber behind.

“Fire on these miscreants!” Hux cries.

“NO!”

Rey can hear it’s Kylo’s voice, but it’s too late. The pipeline is lit up with red light, beams of energy ricochet in every direction. Rey can hear cries of pain, but she can’t see anyone past the bright flashes. Someone pushes against her; she falls to the ground, and the body scrambles on top of her and splays out. A second later, the body shudders as it is hit by a blaster, and lays heavily over her, compressing her lungs.

Rey pushes the arm off her face and turns her head to look. It’s Tep. Blood oozes from the side of his mouth. She struggles to get up from under him.

The blasters have stopped. Rey can hear shouting. A trooper is within sight, aiming a lighted blaster toward her, trying to find them in the dark. Suddenly, with a sizzling flash of red, a lightsaber slices through the length of him.

“Supreme Leader!” cries an outraged voice. “That was my best Captain!”

Kylo turns to Hux and begins to walk toward him. Even from that distance Rey can see Hux’s horrified expression as Kylo towers over him.

“You wait for MY command, Hux!” Kylo screams. “I didn’t authorize any attack!”

He clenches Hux’s throat through the Force and strikes him to the ground with his fist. He hits him again and again, his lightsaber forgotten on the ground. Hux’s blue eyes are wide and bulging amidst his puffy, bloody face.

Kylo pushes the side of Hux’s head against the ground.

“Stay down,” he growls and stands up, whirling around to look for Rey. He trots closer – he’ll see the tunnel entrance any moment – and squints into the space until he finds the dim shape of Rey’s and Tep’s body on the ground.

“Rey?” he whispers. “Are you all right?”

He shoves Tep’s body off of her and Rey pushes up with her arms to sit up. Sweat pours down Kylo’s face as he drops next to her, panting.

“I’m alright,” she says.

Kylo nods once, then nods several more times. He presses his lips together and looks her over. His forehead creases as he observes a dark red spot in the folds of her tunic.

“You’re hurt,” he says.

Rey looks down and suddenly feels a sharp pain in her side. A blaster bolt had grazed her at the base of her rib cage.

“It’s okay,” she grimaces. “Where are the others?”

She looks around and finds the other two Tallian students lying spread-eagle on the ground by the metal door.

“No…”

She crawls towards them, hoping to find a sign of life. Blood is pooling around their bodies and their eyes are staring straight ahead. Her breath hitches in her throat and she holds a hand over her mouth to keep from screaming. She grabs her youngest student by the shoulder and shakes him.

Kylo stands behind her at the door to the tunnel.

“What is this?” he asks, running a hand over the door’s wheel.

Rey stops and holds her breath. She crawls to his feet and grabs the end of his cloak.

“Please, Ben,” she cries. “This doesn’t affect the First Order – they’re no danger to you. Their fight is with kanjiclub, they just want their planet back. Please don’t hurt them.”

Kylo raises his chin as he looks down on her. She’s begging. It doesn’t suit her.

“Stand up,” he says.

Rey scrambles to her feet. “What are you going to do?”

“Can you get through that door?” he asks.

She nods.

“Go.” He steps away before she can say anything else. He approaches Hux, who is still lying on the ground with his face shoved against the black sand.

“Locals trying to steal from kanjiklub,” says Kylo. “Waste of our time – and ammunition. But you’ve managed to murder four of them. Better hope their friends don’t seek you out for revenge.”

Rey keys in her code and slips through the door without looking back at Kylo. The tunnel is dark; everyone’s still asleep. She marches through the corridor and finds Kana’s quarters. She bangs on the door until he answers, clad in a thin robe, rubbing his eyes.

“Three of your army’s been killed,” Rey says to him, clutching her side.

“What?”

“They snuck out to steal supplies from the hub. Did you know about this?”

Rey hears a ruffling noise behind Kana and footsteps approach. Siruya appears next to Kana in the doorway.

“Where have you been?” Siruya demands.

“Discovering the First Order’s plans, what have you been doing?” Rey realizes her accusatory tone before she can stop herself, but furrows her brow and stands her ground.

“This is terrible,” says Kana. “What happened? Who’s been lost?”

“Tep, Aros, and Jace – they were killed by stormtroopers. I managed to escape without leading the First Order here, but there’s a chance kanjiklub will find out there are others on the planet beside them.”

“We must act right away,” says Siruya, going back in the room to don a robe. “We need to assemble the army and attack first, before the element of surprise is gone.”

“Without the Resistance?” Rey calls after her.

“The Resistance is due tomorrow,” says Kana, and Rey blinks at him. “We were going to tell you, but you didn’t come back.”

“The First Order is still here!” Rey cries. “Most of their army is here. Don’t be a fool!”

“It’s now or never.” Siruya brushes past her and starts down the corridor.

Rey turns to Kana, but he shakes his head. “She’s right. We’re out of options.”

Rey watches Kana disappear around the corner and she backs up heavily against the wall. The pain in her side smarts terribly. She searches for guidance from the Force, but her heart is beating too erratically to concentrate. Poe and the Resistance are being led to a trap and there’s nothing she can do about it.

She pounds her fist behind her against the wall repeatedly, as if emphasizing the importance of finding a solution.

Then it hits her.

She runs down the corridor faster than she’s ever run before until she reaches her quarters. She barges in and runs to the windowsill, where her lightsaber rests untouched. She grabs it, clips it on her belt, sits on the side of her bed, and shuts her eyes tight.

“Ben,” she calls. “Can you hear me?”

He doesn’t answer at first, but a minute later he materializes in front of her. He’s out of breath and looks perplexed.

“Rey, what - ?”

“If I asked you to leave this planet with me, would you?” Rey says in one breath, like it’s all one word.

Kylo pauses, exasperated.

“You’ve been asking a lot of me lately…” He sits next to her on the bed.

Rey tries not to look desperate. “I’ll explain everything later, I promise. But I need to leave to do something important and I would like you to come with me. It’s a neutral mission – something we can do together without endangering either side.”

Kylo exhales through his nose, looking at her sternly, as though she’s about to reveal a practical joke.

When she continues to look at him, waiting for an answer, he wets his lips and says, “I hope you don’t actually take me to be this simple. You clearly need me off this planet for some reason. What is it? Do you need me away from here, or do you need to lure me elsewhere?”

Rey doesn’t blink. “I need you away from here.”

Kylo stands up and paces. He circles around and stands in front of her, looming above her like a giant.

“I thought you had been killed earlier,” he spits like an accusation.

Rey doesn’t know what to say so she looks down and nods.

He resumes his pacing.

“I don’t have much time,” Rey says.

“You assume too much about me,” he snaps, glancing over his shoulder at her. “I won’t be manipulated by a known Rebel.”

Rey stands up and marches over to him.

“The people who live down here are planning a revolution against kanjiklub, who attacked and murdered their people decades ago when they took over their planet. They don’t have much for weapons, and next to nothing for an army. Their chances of victory are slim, but it will be impossible if they have to go against the First Order too. Now I’ve just committed treason, so do you trust me yet?”

Rey is surprised to see him smirk.

“I have no problem letting the cards fall where they will,” he says. “I’d rather not waste time fighting other people’s battles. My negotiations with kanjiklub have been a bust as it is. However, I’m a busy man. I hardly have time to gallivant off with – ”

“I’m training Force-users,” Rey interrupts. “I’ve been doing it for almost three years. I want you to come with me.”

The stunned expression on Kylo’s face may have been comical if Rey wasn’t so anxious to get moving. He swallows and sets his jaw, but his eyes betray his interest.

“You want me to train them with you?”

“Yes,” Rey says urgently.

“You want me to help you create more Jedi?”

“I haven’t been training them to be Jedi.”

Kylo tilts his head and utters a disbelieving laugh. “Then what are you – ?”

“Well, I guess I have – I’ve been using the Jedi texts to guide them. But – well, the thing is, I don’t really know much about the Jedi, other than what I’ve read. So I’ve been keeping it more simplistic. I concentrate on the Force and how best to maintain balance. You can get on board with that, can’t you?”

Kylo runs a hand over the stubble on his face.

“And – the Resistance isn’t involved in this revolution?” he asks. “It’s purely an internal matter?”

Rey’s eyelid twitches in the smallest way; Kylo might have missed it if he had blinked. She maintains eye contact and shakes her head.

“No, the Resistance isn’t involved.”

Kylo stares at her for a few seconds longer and then slowly nods.

“Alright,” he says. “I will send the Order on, and I… I will come with you.”

Rey’s face breaks out in a wide smile and she jumps up to gather her things.

She says, “Meet me on the island five miles west of the supply hub. I’ll bring my ship there.”

“It’s not…”

“No, it’s not the Falcon. Standard B-wing fighter.”

“Very well,” Kylo says and snaps off the connection. He goes back inside the conference room, where Hux is waiting for him, sporting the wounds on his face.

“Looks like you’ll get your wish after all,” Kylo says to him. “Forget about kanjiklub, we’ll find someone else to transport our weapons. I am leaving now – a recruitment opportunity has arisen.”

“Am I to return to Rohk?” Hux mumbles through a heavily swollen lip.

Kylo hesitates and shifts his jaw.

“No,” he says. “You’ll stay here for now. I have reason to believe kanjiklub will be under attack soon. Don’t interfere – we owe them nothing. But I want you to contact me immediately if you see anyone from the Resistance.”

If Hux’s face hadn’t been so swollen, Kylo would have seen his murderous scowl. Hux chokes on all the words he would like to say, and a strange, gargling noise comes out instead.

“Something to say, Hux?”

A pause.

“V-very good, Supreme Leader.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Getting to the good stuff now. Please review! I can't tell you how much I appreciate your comments and kudos!


	9. Tonda Lay

The sun finally begins to crest over the ocean as Rey lowers her ship on the tiny island. Even from 1,500 meters in the air Kylo looks tall. She touches down and raises the canopy to receive him.

Kylo lowers himself to the copilot seat and slings his bag of possessions in the space behind them. His face is hard and controlled.

Rey is experiencing a strange blend of worry and hysteria. The loss of her students throb painfully in her gut, yet now that she’s in the air again, the miserable land of T’Kal getting smaller and smaller behind her, she feels a wild urge to laugh. She’s sure it’s the adrenaline for pulling this off, for vacating the First Order from the planet just in time, but it makes her feel unstable and out of control.

Kylo glances at her briefly, and continues to face forward.

“You’re grinning,” he points out.

“I’m glad you’re here,” she answers, softly.

He utters a light scoff and continues to look ahead, a hint of a small smile growing on his face.

“Will you help prep for lightspeed?” she asks.

He nods and begins the calculations for their route.

“Where are we going?”

“Cantonica.”

“You’re kidding.”

“No,” Rey says. “They’re expecting us.”

Kylo shrugs and types in the coordinates. “Ready when you are.”

Rey punches the silver button and the stars are a blur.

Kylo engages the autopilot and leans back in his seat, giving Rey a sideways glace.

“So,” Kylo says. “Do you want to explain why we’re going to Canto Bight? Somehow I don’t think any of those gamblers and cretins have any particular aptitude for the Force.”

“We’re not going to Canto Bight,” Rey says and raises her chin. “It’s a small village called Tonda Lay, about twenty miles along the shore from Canto Bight. It’s where the slaves live.”

“Oh.” Kylo looks to the side uncomfortably.

“They reached out to…” Rey almost said ‘Leia’ but thought better of it. “They reached out to the Resistance a long time ago, but I haven’t been able to make it there until now.”

“And why now?”

“It was next in the plan, once I was done at T’Kal. I’m coming a little early, but I’m sure they won’t mind.”

Kylo doesn’t say anything else for the rest of the flight. When they enter Cantonica’s atmosphere, he switches off the autopilot, and despite Rey’s protests (“it’s my ship, I should pilot”), he brings them to the desert landing outside of Tonda Lay.

When they jump down from the ship, travel bags in hand, Rey has a realization that they must look rather suspicious – Rey is filthy from head to toe and there are splotches of blood, her own and others’, all over her clothes. Kylo looks clean enough, but he’s draped in layers of black with his robe billowing around him in a rather sinister way.

Rey and Kylo are quite the sight, walking side by side into this pettily village. They seem overlarge, like they’ve walked into a mere model of a town. The huts seem a bit too small for whole people to live in and the trails connecting everything are dusty and narrow.

They’re attracting strange looks from the haggard passersby. Rey looks around, trying to find some place of importance where a leader might reside. Kylo stares at the ground, trying to not appear as intimidating. Rey has never seen him look so uncomfortable.

“Hey, you there!”

Rey looks around for the source of the voice and finds a squat, matronly woman marching toward them.

“Who are you, strangers?” the woman barks.

Rey glances nervously at Kylo and says, “I’m Rey, I’m with the Resistance.”

The sharp scowl lines on the woman’s face immediately fold into a wide and toothless grin.

“Oh!” she squeals, taking Rey’s hand with both of hers and shaking it over and over. “We weren’t expecting you for some time!”

“Yes, I – ”

“Well we’re delighted, of course, delighted. Now, the children aren’t due back for another two weeks – they’ve got a big race out in CB, but then they’re home for the rest of the season. They’ll be so excited when I tell them you’re here.”

Rey opens her mouth to speak but the woman puts an arm companionably around her waist and continues gabbing on about her shock and delight at her arrival. Kylo follows after, a small smirk on his face.  

“…and you’ll just love this little place I’ve set up for you – it’s not much, but I’ve been working on the garden all summer. Ah – here we are, isn’t it charming? Okay, it’s a little battered, but I thought all these flowers brightened the place up nicely. And you can get to the ocean from the back door – just a short walk to the shore. Now, you look…erm…like you could use a little freshening up, so I’ll let you get settled. Let us know if you need anything, just ask for me – Miss Abrielle – anyone’ll know where to find me. Otherwise I’ll be by in the morning to bring you a fresh loaf of bread.”

She pats Rey firmly on the arm and turns to walk away – but stops dead in her tracks at the sight of Kylo, as if she’s now seeing him for the first time.

“I don’t recall you saying you’d be bringing anyone with you…” Miss Abrielle says, not taking her eyes off him.

Rey steps over to stand next to him. “He’s here to help me train. He’s a Master too.”

Miss Abrielle narrows her eyes and continues to survey him. She looks like she would very much like to say something, but after a moment she drops her glare and turns back to Rey and forces a smile.

“I’m sorry, Master Rey, but I only have lodging for you. If he wants to share the workers’ tent on the eastern outskirt…”

“No, no,” Rey says, trying not to laugh at the thought of Kylo Ren squashed between a line of snoring men. “He’ll be fine here with me. I appreciate your hospitality, Miss Abrielle.”

“Hm,” she replies, glaring at Kylo again. “Well, have a pleasant evening. Again, don’t be afraid to ask if you need anything.”

Miss Abrielle shuffles away, looking over her shoulder every so often.

Kylo is scowling, but Rey moves toward the lodge and motions for him to join her.

“Isn’t it lovely? To think we get to stay here!”

Kylo raises an eyebrow as he steps behind her and opens the door, revealing a modest room decorated with flowers on every surface. There’s an icebox in the corner with a large flat-stone on the counter and two stone knives lying across it. Kylo strolls farther inside. There’s a small table with chairs in front of a fireplace. And along the wall are three doors that are about as tall as Kylo’s neck.

One room is clearly a recent addition – it’s a small refresher, likely refurbished from an old ship. This lodge must belong to the wealthiest peasant in town. Kylo doubts the other huts have refreshers. He opens the door next to it – there’s a squashy mattress on the floor with a warm knitted blanket folded across it. The second room seems to be for storage – hundreds of silver cases line the walls. A rickety cot is leaning on its end against the wall.

“I’ll take this,” says Kylo.

“Ben,” Rey says from the first room. “I don’t see any food portions.”

Kylo ducks through the door and joins her by the icebox. There are several brown packages stacked inside. He looks inside one – it’s a slab of red meat. Holding the package he steps over to the window and looks out to see a large garden lush with tall, green plants.

“It seems we’ll have to cook,” he says.

“W-what?” Rey looks inside one of the packages. “I don’t know the first thing about cooking.”

Kylo looks to the ceiling and sighs.

“I can do it,” he says.

He returns the package to the icebox as Rey looks around the room. She seems pleased by all the flowers. Kylo stands behind the small doorframe as Rey inspects her mattress and blanket.

“Rey,” Kylo says and she looks at him. “Come with me.”

She walks over to him, curious, and he leads her by the elbow to the little refresher.

“We need to clean your wound.”

“Oh,” says Rey, her light energy darkening as she thinks of her Tallian students.

She unceremoniously rummages through the medical supplies and hops up on the counter next to the sink. She lifts her shirt and winces.

“I’ll do it,” Kylo says.

Rey looks at him with that crease between her eyes, the crease that is there when she looks at him more often than it is not. She lets him take the sanitizer wipes out of her hands and he gently pushes her shoulder back so she leans against the wall.

Her wound is small but much deeper than she had let on. It’s cauterized so there’s no blood, but the edges of the wound are starting to tinge white.

“Rey…” he starts to scold.

Rey shakes her head. “Don’t. My student gave his life to save mine. I can handle a little cut.”

Kylo inclines his head and begins to dab at her wound until all the black sand is removed. He places a large bandage over it and wraps gauze around her skinny torso, trying not to notice the delicate shape of her waist.

“Thanks,” says Rey when he’s done, and jumps off the counter.

“Be careful,” he says. “The medical supplies are limited here. As it is, you’ll have a terrible scar.”

Rey gives him a sad half smile and reaches her hand up to touch his own scar along his cheek. He flinches at the contact. She withdraws her hand.

Rey yawns and suddenly feels weary and lethargic. She’s not sure how long she’s been awake. It’s not quite dark in Tonda Lay but so much has happened since she last slept. Kylo seems to be thinking along the same lines.

“I have some food portions in my bag if we want to do it the easy way tonight.” Rey walks back to the entrance and digs through her bag. She hands him a packet and begins to prepare her own.

Kylo tosses his on top of the icebox. She gives him a quizzical look and he shrugs.

“Not hungry,” he says.

Rey can’t fathom those words, so she doesn’t try to. She devours her meal quickly and starts to unpack things from her bag.

Kylo reaches into his own bag and pulls out the Jedi texts. She looks at him, wondering what he’s going to do. With no expression whatsoever, he hands them over to her. She sets them on the table.

“If you’d like the room with the bed you can have it,” Rey says. “I’m fine on anything, really.”

“No, of course not,” he says, looking a little offended. He turns on his heel and goes into his small storage room, ducking down so he doesn’t hit his head on the doorframe. The door shuts rather hard behind him.

Rey frowns. What has she gotten herself into?


	10. Reconnection, Returned

It’s incredible, when Rey thinks about it, how she distinctly remembers various occasions when she and Kylo have been intimate. There have been moments in the past, she’s sure of it, when they were comfortable near each other. Yet now, in person, it’s like none of that had ever happened.

They have two weeks before their students arrive. Rey thought they could pass the time by training together, but it turns out she hasn’t been able to get more than one word at a time from him in the three days since they arrived. Eye contact also seems to be too much to ask for, he always moves to the opposite side of wherever she is standing, and he is careful, when passing by, to not accidentally swipe arms or brush clothes. They’ve used up nearly all of Rey’s food portions, and she’s determined she’ll starve to death before asking him for anything.  

But on the fourth morning Rey decides she’s had enough. She receives her daily loaf of bread from Miss Abrielle and goes out the back door to find Kylo. He’s sitting against a tree, cleaning his lightsaber, and wearing a set of lightweight clothes that Miss Abrielle brought over for him the day before. It didn’t take Miss Abrielle long to take pity on him in his heavy black layers, or perhaps she had been disconcerted by his appearance so sought to ease her own discomfort. Either way, Rey thinks he looks…nice in comfortable clothing. The tan fabric hangs loosely off his strong body. He looks at ease, casual, normal.

“Good morning, Ben,” Rey says brightly. “Care to share this with me?”

“Thank you, no,” he answers, and moves to stand up.

“Stay here a minute,” Rey says firmly. “I want to talk to you.”

Kylo scowls. “What about?”

“First off, you haven’t been eating much. Are you not feeling well?”

He folds his arms over his chest, defensively. He draws up his long legs so he’s sitting cross-legged, and looks away from her as usual.

“Here,” Rey says and hands him a chunk of bread.

He grabs it and takes a rough bite.

“Okay,” says Rey. “Will you tell me why you’re not talking to me?”

That seems to have tapped out his patience. He twirls his lightsaber over his palm and bounces up swiftly. He walks behind the cottage and disappears. Rey doesn’t see him again until the evening.

By that time it is raining. The temperature dropped to an unpleasant chill in the late afternoon, and a sharp breeze has made it difficult to stay warm ever since. Rey has her knitted blanket around her shoulders when Kylo enters the lodge, slightly out of breath, and smelling like rain and soap. Rey feels relieved, annoyed, and… something else. Something that weaves through her insides like a coiling knot that tightens the longer she notices his damp hair hanging loosely around his face, the pink flush of his skin, the shine on the muscles his new shirt doesn’t cover, the way his wet clothes cling to him…

Rey offers him a smile, but again, he looks away and marches straight for his room and shuts the door behind him. Sulking, she eats the second to last food portion she has. Maybe it was a mistake, she thinks, bringing him here with her.

She stands up and approaches his door, stopping in front of it and frowning at it like it’s Kylo himself. He’s never shut her out before. They’ve been at greater odds than this in the past, and even then he’s never turned her away. Wasn’t it less than a week ago that he let her lean against him as they read in bed? What changed?

She bends down, slides the last food portion packet under his door, and goes to her bedroom. The wind howls outside and she pulls the blankets over her. The mattress is large and cozy. She wraps herself up tight and as warmth crawls up her body, the sound of rain puts her to sleep.

 

The sound of the tree branches thrashing against the side of the house wakes Rey up a couple hours later. The rough patter of rain on the roof is so loud it’s a wonder it didn’t wake her earlier. She rubs her eyes and sits up, her throat parched. She opens her door to get a glass of water, and with a sharp jolt to the heart, sees Kylo sitting at the little square table in front of the cold fireplace. His face is lit by candlelight. He’s wearing his black robes again, probably because they’re warmer.

“Do you want company?” Rey asks softly.

He doesn’t reply.

She goes to the water pitcher and pours herself a glass. She drinks heavily. Kylo doesn’t look anywhere but in front of him at the table. Rey used to be able to read him better, and if she couldn’t, he’d share everything she needed to know through the bond. But it seems he’s shut her out there too.

Rey pulls out the chair across from him and sits down.

“Have you slept yet?” she asks.

He closes his eyes and sighs. After a while, Rey thinks he’s going to pretend like she’s not there, but then slowly, he shakes his head from side to side.

She reaches over the table and slowly extends her fingers toward his hand. She hesitates, but he doesn’t move away. She curls her small hand around his index finger.

“I used to have trouble sleeping when I lived on Jakku,” she says. “It got better when I left and joined the Resistance. Probably because I’m so worn out after each day.”

She chuckles lightly and tries to make eye contact with him. He still says nothing.

“Ben?”

Kylo withdraws his hand and pushes the chair back.

“I’m going to bed now – goodnight,” he says, stands up, and goes back to his room.

Rey scoffs and tries to not let her annoyance rise to anger. She returns to her room and pulls the blanket over her head, shutting her eyes tight. She’s warm again, very warm, and she drifts back to sleep…

It feels like less than a minute passes before she’s awoken again by a loud, crashing sound. She sits upright, her heart pounding in her chest. It came from the other room. She scrambles out of bed, slips through her door, knocks twice on Kylo’s door, and barges in without waiting for an answer.

Kylo is sitting up in his cot, his right fist balled up, with a stack of metal cases that were next to his bed scattered around the floor. He’s looking into his lap, trying to breathe through his nose.

“Are you okay?” Rey asks.

He doesn’t say anything. Of course he doesn’t.

“Ben?”

“I’m fine, go back to sleep.” He runs a hand over his face and slouches over his bended knees.

Rey comes inside the room and puts a hand on his large shoulder. He jumps.

“Hey, it’s alright,” she says. “It’s only me.”

“Get away from me,” he snaps.

Rey steps back.

“Why are you - ?” She stops and watches his bare chest rise and fall with his breathing, his head still bowed down. “You just want me to leave you alone?”

“Figured that out on your own, did you?”

Her temper spiking, Rey steps back several paces before turning and huffing back to her room. She climbs in bed and sits up, the crease between her brows starting to become painful. What is _wrong_ with him?

Just then, she feels the familiar rippling of the Force, and suddenly he’s there, the image of him, in front of her bed, still sitting on his own.

He looks up and groans.

“Can I have no peace?” he wonders aloud. “No privacy?”

“I was thinking the same thing,” she replies.

He scoffs and pulls his sheet over his shoulders. He is shivering.

Rey is quiet now, feeling dejected, her feelings hurt.

Kylo sighs heavily and punches the surface of his cot. Through the bond now, Rey can feel the darkness pulsing around him.

“I’m sorry.” Kylo tugs his bed sheet off his shoulders and throws it on the floor. He puts his hands over the sides of his head and grips his hair. “I’m sorry, Rey.”

“What is wrong?”

“I’m – ” He takes a few shaky breaths and looks at her straight on for the first time in days. “I guess I’m just tired.”  

“Get some sleep, then…”

He sighs again. “I can’t, okay? I can’t.”

Rey closes her eyes and feels for his mind, careful not to intrude too deeply, careful to ask for permission first. He drops his defenses without a fight.

He isn’t mad at her, not really. There’s something ugly and unsettling inside him; he feels fearful, alone, and unsafe. But also resigned, like this is nothing new. Mostly it’s embarrassment. He wishes a day could go by when she doesn’t see him in a compromising position.

Rey senses nearly a lifetime of sleepless nights. He’s learned to live in a perpetual state of exhaustion. The few hours he does get here and there are troubled and interrupted. Like tonight – if it’s not restlessness, it’s nightmares.

She sees the two nights she spent in his hut back on T’Kal. The first night he watched as her eyes fluttered shut, and she curled up in a warm ball on his bed. He placed a blanket over her and sat on the floor, reading the texts.

The second night…the second night is difficult for her to see in his memory. He doesn’t seem to want her poking around there. But he allowed her to be close to him that night. She senses he felt a little more stable with her there. He was able to drift off and dream of nothing. Those three hours of sleep were the best rest he’s gotten in years.

Rey finds that his thoughts regarding her are rather confusing. The place in mind where he holds her image…it’s bright and warm there. He greatly treasures this little nook in his thoughts. Yet for some reason, he wants to repel her, wants her to stay away.

Rey cocks her head.

“I don’t understand,” she says.

Kylo looks at her and exhales sharply through his nose.

“You and I…we have a sort of stalemate, don’t we?” he says. “You once asked for a compromise. This works, doesn’t it? We can do whatever we want here and our politics don’t matter. We can ignore them, for now, if we want. But they’ll always be there though – our politics. Some day we’ll have to face again with the intent of killing each other.”

Rey freezes. Why is he saying this?

“I need you to let go, Rey,” he implores. His voice becomes raw and desperate and Rey feels a rising anxiety in her chest. “Maybe not now, maybe we can go on pretending a while longer. But you need to be prepared…when the time comes – you need to let me go.”

He swallows a couple times before finding his voice again. “I – I want you to know, no matter what happens, how much I’ve appreciated your compassion. I don’t deserve it, but I’m grateful.”

He’s looking at her dead in the eyes now, and she wants to crawl away.

“You’re so beautiful,” he says softly, and her heart stops. “Have I said that before? You touch everyone you meet, Rey. I’ve seen it. I hope you know how special you are. It was unfair that you had the life you did. But you, unlike me, shine bright despite it. I wouldn’t ever dream of snuffing that out. Whether we face each other in battle, or go on and never see each other again, I want you to know that I never want to do anything to dampen this light inside you.”

“Ben…” Rey says but no sound comes out.

“Let me go,” he repeats. His voice breaks as he says, “It’s too late for me.”

Rey takes a deep breath and purses her lips. She can feel the self-hatred rising in him, the regret, the panic, and the despair. He really means it, all of it. He’s been trying to make it easier for her to hate him. He’s been trying to get her to give up on him.

Now, in this wild moment, he wants very much to go back to how things were, have this time with her here, pretend for a while longer, and then he actually wants to leave and go back. And he doesn’t want her to feel like she has to save him, like it’s her responsibility. He doesn’t want her worried about him all the time. He’s seen inside her mind as much as she’s seen his. She’s not as happy when she’s with him, he can feel that. If he can’t do anything else right, he can at least do this: Let her go.

Kylo gently plucks her out of his mind and turns away from her. The Force doesn’t end their connection, and he doesn’t have the heart to close it himself. So they sit on their beds in silence, Rey staring at his shivering body while he looks at his knees.

Rey breathes and lets the Force flow through her, like water, like a cool blue light. It clears her mind, washes out all this conflict. She feels something – instinct, she supposes, and somehow finds herself smiling.

“Hey.” She waits until he looks at her. “Come over here.”

“What?”

“If we’re pretending for now anyway, just come over here. The bed’s big enough and it’s very warm.”

He shivers again as she says that. His expression is horribly vulnerable, the conflict between what he wants and what is right is agony. She watches him intently, waiting for an answer.

His answer is a swift motion; he stands up and moves quickly through his room to the door, not even bothering to put on a shirt.

Rey can feel him coming toward her through the Force, and when he appears in her doorway the connection still doesn’t end. In fact, it’s stronger than ever.

Kylo looks awkward slouching there at the front of the room with goose bumps all over his skin.

“Come here,” she says again. “You look so tired.”

Her empathy strikes him, like popping a balloon. His throat tightens and bobs several times. He bows his head. She feels waves of exhaustion coming from him. He staggers toward her, his eyelids heavy.

Rey opens the blankets for him and reaches for his hand. He takes it. She pulls him in and turns over so he’s curled around her body with his arm over her side. She holds onto his hand and presses her lips to his palm.

She feels him shudder as he warms up. After a few minutes, she lightly presses against his mind and finds him to be content. Before long, his breathing becomes soft and rhythmic, and just like that he’s fast asleep.


	11. Little Smiles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little smut here to tie you over. Also, the next several chapters are rather fluffy...sorry, not sorry :)

Kylo doesn’t want to tell Rey he only sleeps well when she’s beside him.

He wakes up next to her that first time, completely rested and absolutely terrified. Fear, to him, is a foreign, juvenile emotion. When it really comes down to it, fear is the main root of his anger, his pain, and his stake in the darkness. But it has been years since he consciously felt afraid. And now it’s back, that feeling of his chest hollowing out and dropping. He has a hard time drawing full breaths. He wants to run away as fast as he can. All because of this small woman sleeping next to him, with her messy hair, the top of her head resting against his back, and her arm draped over his leg.

Kylo lies on his side staring at the wooden planks in the wall, feeling as trapped by that thin arm over his leg as he would be by shackles. He tries not to think about the pressure of her arm, the heat that settles there, or wonder what her hand might feel like if he wasn’t wearing those thick trousers – that soft skin of hers, touching him. He tries not to think of how her hand is inches away from his cock…a flex in her sleep or a minor adjustment, a change in position, and her fingers would brush it…

With horror, he feels himself start to go hard. Despite his best efforts, he finds himself wishing for that little adjustment; that flex of her fingers… He doesn’t blink as he lies there panicking, trying to figure out what to do. He strains his neck to glance over his shoulder at her face – that makes it worse. Her front teeth are resting on her bottom lip. Her eyelashes are long and dark. Her face is soft; a bar of light touches her cheek. His cock twitches and comes dangerously close to touching her hand.

Finally, he grabs her hand and removes it from his leg, scrunching his eyes shut, waiting for her to wake up. His heart beats erratically as she gives a soft moan behind him and turns over to her other side. He turns his head again and sees her lying still, her chest rising and falling peacefully. He can breathe again. Blood rushes back to his head and he feels dizzy. He closes his eyes and tries to will away his erection…

But that’s never going to happen with her lying there. He slides out of bed, awkwardly, trying not to disturb her, and books it to the refresher. The shower is barely tall enough to fit him, but the water is hot and there’s plenty of it.

He stands with the water against his back, both arms supporting him against the shower wall. He has never had an erection this… painful. The hot water sends spasms of pleasure down his core and collects in a knot of pressure in his balls, they swell and inflame – his eyes roll back in his head and he hits the shower wall with his palm.

That girl in the other room is doing something dangerous to him, and he’d be worried about it if it didn’t feel so good. Careful to keep their bond closed tight (connecting right now would be too terrible to even think about), he pictures her features. He doesn’t need to see her through the bond or in person to know what that little smile looks like – which, when directed at him, makes him feel like he might actually be worth a damn. That nose…oh that nose. How many times has he thought of kissing it? And those sharp eyes and their occasionally wicked look. Rey is hands down the most striking woman he’s ever seen.

For some reason, he hesitates to picture her body lower than her neck. It seems – wrong – like he doesn’t have a right to her there. She hasn’t given permission for him to use her for his perverted fantasies. But he can see and imagine her hand on his leg – that was real. And her arms wrapped around his body. And that kiss…that kiss that nearly destroyed him. He’s not even sure it really happened. He wouldn’t argue if someone told him it was a dream. But it sure _felt_ real…and the memory of her soft moans and the delicious taste of her lips and tongue is enough to unravel that pleasure knot and then retighten it firmer than ever.  

The length of his cock is a bar of steel – he feels the end of it desperate to grow even longer – he pushes out with those muscles – that pressure, that sweet, agonizing pressure – pushing farther, if that’s possible, until his legs are shaking and he realizes he hasn’t been breathing.  

He gulps in a deep breath of steam and immediately his cock starts throbbing with a sensation he actually believes might kill him. His hands are balled up so hard on the wall, his knuckles turn white, and his mouth is hanging open in shock or pleasure…he’s not even properly in his head anymore to know which.

He breathes out like he’s blowing through a straw, takes another breath in and breathes out harder, takes another breath in, and exhales violently as he pushes with those muscles – something in that knot down there gives way – the pressure moves forward like water through a floodgate – pleasure is radiating all around his abdomen, over his skin, his ass, his cock…he squeezes his eyes shut as a tremendous orgasm erupts. His knees give way and he falls hard on the shower floor, his breathing ragged, his head swimming. His cock is pink and hypersensitive. He holds his shaking hands in front of him, eyes wide. He didn’t even touch himself…

The water from the shower is suddenly louder than he remembered. He turns it off and dries himself off with a towel, careful around his groin, which is too sensitive to be touched by anything.

He slips back inside his own room to put on the lighter clothes. He’s far too hot for anything else. He’s sure his face is flushed and he hopes he settles down before Rey wakes up. He opens the front door to catch a breeze and sees a loaf of bread sitting in a basket. Kylo brings it in and sets it on the table, then waits in the chair. He can hear Rey moving around in her room.

An idea strikes him, and he jumps up and goes out through the backyard to the garden. The plants are spattered with last night’s rain. There’s a fresh smell in the air and a warm breeze jostles the trees. This day is off to a great start.

He rummages through the plants and finds the strawberries. They’re plump and deep red and nearly the size of his fist. He picks several and rushes back inside, hoping to finish this before Rey comes out of her room.

He uses the stone knife to cut the strawberries into little pieces, and cuts the bread in slices. He pours the strawberries over the bread and sets the plate on the table just as Rey opens her door.

He’s greeted with the sweetest smile, which grows even larger when she sees the breakfast he prepared.

That day became the best day he’d had in…probably his life. Somehow he kept earning little smiles from her all day long, and sometimes she’d touch his arm or shoulder as she walked by. She’s very affectionate for a person who had been starved of human contact for most of her life. She gives so freely. It’s hard for him to accept that he’s the recipient of it.

Breakfast earned him a short hug; he was about to take the plate up to clean when she stepped in front of him and slinked her arms around his torso. Her head rested against his chest for a moment and then she stepped away, blushing.

Later, Miss Abrielle came by to tend the garden and Rey asked her to show her what she was doing. Somehow, they roped Kylo into pulling weeds and watering vegetables. Ordinarily it would be dull work for him, but Rey never ceased to amaze him with her innocence and joy at the simplest of things.

She was positively delighted by all things colorful. She trotted about the garden, laughing, picking flowers, pulling weeds with gusto, tossing water everywhere, including on Kylo. He got the most smiles out of her from that occasion.     

After several hours in the garden, long after Miss Abrielle went home, Rey wandered over to Kylo and brushed the top of his nose with her finger, leaving behind a smudge of dirt. She giggled and he couldn’t help but smile back.

Rey said Miss Abrielle brought over a dinner for them, and asked if they could eat it outside in the back where they can see the ocean. Kylo figures she could ask him to jump off the tallest casino in Canto Bight and he’d gladly oblige.

 

That night Rey spends an hour of the evening sitting on a rug, reading to him from the Jedi texts. She keeps mentioning techniques and exercises she’d like to try with him. All he ever seems to do is nod. When her eyes get tired, she yawns and stands up. She takes his hand and leads him into her bedroom.

Kylo becomes tense, the fear from that morning creeping back. She crawls in bed and scoots over so he has a place, and her eyelids drop immediately. He hesitates for a moment, but only a moment. Who is he kidding? He doesn’t want to sleep without her for the rest of his life until she says otherwise.

He climbs in and lies on his back. He turns to look at her – she has that small smile on her face – and he reaches up with the hand closest to her, his palm facing him, and twirls a lock of her hair away from her face. She half opens her eye and utters a soft, “hm.”

This tranquility and gentleness is almost painful for Kylo. He decides with a strange urgency that he never wants to see her unhappy again. She scoots closer to him and rests her head against his shoulder and laces her fingers through his. It doesn’t take her long to fall asleep.

Kylo looks down at her head. He swallows. What if he has another nightmare? It wouldn’t be so bad if he didn’t usually wake up punching something or finding his ignited lightsaber in his hand. Plus the humiliation…

Rey exhales a light groan in her sleep and nuzzles her head further against his shoulder. Now her hair tickles his neck. Kylo decides he’ll just stay awake. He does most nights anyway, and at least now he has this soft creature next to him for company.

But the next thing he knows, he’s opening his eyes the next morning to Rey resting a hot cup of tea next to the bedside.

“Good morning,” she says. “You slept in.”

He sits up and pulls on the shirt she laid out.

“Did you sleep well?” she asks.

Kylo doesn’t want to tell her he only sleeps well when she’s beside him. He doesn’t want to tell her she’s been carving out a space inside him and adorning it with joy and peace and all the things he doesn’t think he’s ever actually felt before. He doesn’t want to tell her how cute she looks with her hair wet and her cheeks hot from her shower. Or how glad he is that yesterday wasn’t a dream after all, and that he gets to spend another day with her.

So he says, “I think we should try some techniques from the texts today.”

Rey’s eyes brighten and she says, “Ooh yes, please.”


	12. Pretending

Rey laces up her boots and rushes outside with her dueling guide. She props it up on the root of a tree and flips through the pages to find the exercise she’s wanted to try first.

She can hear Kylo step through the grass and come up behind her; it sends a shiver down her neck and spine. He taps her shoulder and she turns around, regarding him curiously. He motions for her to come closer. With a long look into her eyes, he fingers the hem of her shirt.

“Let me see your wound,” he says. “We’re not doing this if it’s not healed.”

Rey frowns but allows him to lift up her shirt to reveal a somewhat pink scab with jagged, uneven scar tissue. It doesn’t seem to be infected though. He purses his lips and lets her shirt drop back down.

“Alright,” Rey says, a smirk threatening her cheeks. Her eyes are bright with excitement. “I thought we could try this one first…”

“That’s not for dueling,” Kylo points out. “That’s for…teamwork.”

“I thought it was appropriate.” She nudges him playfully with her elbow. “No need to tempt us to our old ways.”

Kylo looks at her with his eyebrows raised.

Ignoring him, she reads, “‘A pupil trains to become strong, agile, calculative, and cunning. Endurance and vigilance is paramount in lightsaber dueling. A master, however, worries not about such things. Connection and balance must be the master’s anchors. The master must suspend physical instincts and all reminders of limitation. Ultimate strength comes from the mind. Let the light side of the Force guide your motions. You are but a puppet to the Force; to aspire to be more is disrespectful to the system of all life.

“‘When dueling, think not of your own survival, but the counter-pressure you must provide to your enemy’s attack, the movement to slay the sedentary, and the strength to overpower the weak. If your enemy strikes with anger, meet it with tranquility. Tranquility in dueling can only be achieved with peace of mind and heart. Only the most capable masters can fight without violence. Balance in all things is what separates the Jedi from the rest. Anyone trained in combat arts can fight well, only those who are worthy can win.’”    

Rey stands arm to arm with Kylo to show him the diagrams. It goes on for pages…motions, angles, positions, attacks, and defenses for two people. A master can fight alongside anyone, but if two masters have the opportunity to train together, this book provides the ingredients for a nearly flawless execution.

“Rey,” says Kylo, turning to her. “Do you have a lightsaber?”

Rey smiles, takes a step back, and removes her robe to reveal her lightsaber clipped on her belt. The handle is magnificent: rose-gold in appearance, efficient ignition controls, well-crafted sheath for the energy of the blade, though rather longer than the standard saber.

She does a poor job of concealing her excitement, if she was trying to. It seems she’s wanted to show him this for some time. She takes it from her belt and holds it out vertically, her elbows straight. She strikes it to life; a long, powerful beam of energy appears at once, buzzing and crackling. It is golden in color, shining on her face like a sunset, creating bold shadows along her face. She looks stunning like that; radiant, breathtaking.

Kylo opens his mouth to say something but she holds up a finger. She presses the hilt a bit lower, and another powerful blade appears below. The chopping and buzzing of both blades echo against the side of the house. Kylo’s jaw drops slightly. The golden light reflects in Rey’s eyes.

“You made a saberstaff,” he says, stepping toward her.

Rey nods enthusiastically. “It was all here in the texts. I made a few adjustments to make it double bladed. Do you like it?”

Kylo lets out a disbelieving laugh. “It’s incredible, Rey.”

He holds out his hands, palms up, and she gives it over. The metal is warm. It’s lightweight, easy to maneuver, responsive to changes in motion. He slashes it from side to side, twirls it over his head and brings it down to an inch above the ground. The blades of grass flutter away from its energy.

Kylo retracts the blades and hands it back to Rey. He Force-pulls his own lightsaber from the ground next to the tree and ignites it, the red light flashing in his dark eyes. Rey laughs and ignites hers again and moves to strike him. Their blades meet and crackle magnificently. The energy makes their hands shake. Their boots are pushed back on the ground. Their eyes meet and they both feel the Force, raw and surging through both of them, from one body to the other.

Kylo is the first to separate the blades and moves to attack from the lower right. Rey blocks and counters, sparks of golden-red humming in the air.

Rey knew if she could ever find a partner with which to practice lightsaber techniques, it would take years for them to master them. The diagrams in the text are complex and hard to follow. The physical and mental abilities are intense and demanding, they spend most of the afternoon sweating and panting.

But she and Kylo work together like two parts of the same person. Each of their shortcomings is the other’s strength. And their combined strengths make them nearly invincible. They move around each other quickly, lithely, with grace and an unusual sense of familiarity. Kylo and Rey were meant to fight together. The Force quakes with approval.

By mid afternoon they are both exhausted and ravenous. Kylo takes a package of meat from the icebox and prepares it on a stake in the fireplace. Rey picks vegetables from the garden and composes a large salad. They eat outside under the tree, cross-legged and facing each other. No one would have thought either of them had known suffering in their lives, the way they smile now and chat lightheartedly.

Kylo makes her laugh as she takes a deep drink of water and she sputters down her front. She kicks out at him. He catches her foot and suddenly there’s that dangerous look in his eye, the one that makes Rey shudder somewhere deep within her core. She lets out a nervous giggle and chews on her lip, pulling her foot back. She collects the dishes they used and stands up; Kylo’s eyes follow her every movement.

She leaves him under the tree as she goes to clean up. She watches him through the kitchen window, though, as he makes a fallen apple float in the air above him. Is this the same man from a week ago? Is he not currently the Supreme Leader of the First Order? She supposes she’s just as different. She’s weary to admit it, but she’s never known companionship like this before. There’s a lightness, a peace, a safety in this little place here in Tonda Lay – it’s a slice of unconventional paradise that they both needed desperately.

With a sinking fear, she dreads the moment Kylo snaps out of this fantasy and realizes he can’t stay here with her forever. She needs to reconcile the fact that a time will come when he needs to go back and command his Order, and that those commands will likely be in direct opposition to her and the Resistance. But as she keeps trying to tell herself, that’s a problem for tomorrow. Surely no harm can come from allowing them this illusion for a while longer…

That night after the suns set past the ocean, Rey decides to slip down to the beach beneath the cottage. The water reflects the city lights from Canto Bight and the dark waves tumble gently over the sand. She takes off her boots and touches her bare foot to the water. It’s cool and smooth – there was nothing like this on Jakku.

She paces along the sand, walking through the water, listening to the waves and the crisp splash of her feet disturbing them. A moving shadow catches her eye and she turns to see Kylo making his way down the slope. He’s wearing those lightweight clothes she likes so much. He stops at the edge of the water. His clothes ripple gently in the breeze.

“What are you doing?” he asks.

“I’m not sure I’ll ever get used to seeing so much water at once,” she says.

Kylo drags his foot over the sand and frowns. “I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to be here by yourself if you don’t know how to swim.”

“Oh.” She gives him a coy smile. “You’d better stay with me, then.”

He shifts awkwardly on the sand. The twilit beach is too exquisite to be real; it’s simply another part of the illusion they’ve created.  

“Would you like to walk with me?” Rey asks, stepping closer to him.

He shakes his head. She steps out of the water to stand by him. She laces her arm around his and walks several paces back into the dry sand. She bends over and drops down to lay on her back. She looks up at the stars and takes a deep, satisfying breath. Kylo lies down next to her in silence.

The stars are so many; hardly any black is left in the sky. The vastness of the sea and the vastness of space fill Rey’s little soul up to the brim. What a beautiful galaxy they are apart of.

After a while, Rey giggles and perches herself up on her elbows.

She says, “Hey look – that constellation looks like you.”

Kylo frowns at her. “What?”

“Look just there – those bright ones curve around like a helmet – and then next to it – that long part there with the cross – looks like your lightsaber.”

Kylo sits up and looks at her like she’s crazy. Then his mouth does something strange: the muscles quiver, a semblance of a smile threatens to emerge, and he sort of chokes and coughs at the same time – and suddenly his face breaks out in a full smile and he starts to laugh. Rey doesn’t think she’s ever heard anything as wonderful in all her life.

Her cheeks hurt from how far her smile is straining. She puts a hand over her mouth as she watches him. He shakes his head and puts an arm around her to pull her closer. She leans in to him. She feels him kiss the top of her head as his laughter fades. A warm emotion wells up inside her and she closes her eyes to keep it safe inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone's enjoying this so far. Thanks so much for reading!


	13. Homecoming

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's another monster of a chapter - maybe I should have broken it up into two. Ah well - here you go! Enjoy!

Two weeks pass like a dream. Rey sits on the backyard veranda on the thirteenth day, the wind lightly playing with her hair, reflecting on her time so far on this planet. If she had known there was such a thing as happiness like this, she would have left Jakku years ago. The sky has turned purple, the sunset glows golden through the tops of the trees, while dark, ominous clouds gather low in the sky. Rolls of thunder rumble in the distance and the air gains a fresh smell. A rainstorm is coming; Rey closes her eyes and breathes in the scent.

She’s feeling particularly peaceful this night. It’s nostalgic and lovely to sit on the cusp of a rainstorm, appreciating life and loving the present. She holds her hand out against the skyline like she could touch it. The Force is alive within her now. She feels connected to all things, centered and balanced.

Everything in her lonely life has led her to this moment. And it’s a beautiful one.

The little moments that made up this last week are memories Rey vows to hold onto until the end of her days. She’s quite fallen in love with this quirky cottage and the ocean behind it.

Several days ago she discovered a stone pathway that leads from the edge of the garden, through a grouping of trees, and to a clearing that has been the perfect setting for their sparring. Every day she and Kylo have spent several hours training together amidst the aspen trees and the sound of the ocean.

About 500 meters down the beach from the cottage is a jagged hill, laden with great black rocks that peak highest over the ocean. Rey chose this spot for meditation; it reminds her of a similar place on Ahch-to. It’s become apart of her evening routine, meditating as the suns set below the watery horizon.

Kylo has come to expect a cup of tea in the morning just as Rey has come to expect a side of garden fruit with their loaf of bread. Rey fills a vase with new flowers each afternoon. Kylo opens the window at night so they can hear the ocean while they sleep.

It’s those kinds of moments that have been like oxygen to Rey.

Rey has always had too much sense to wish too hard for things, but if she ever were to, she would wish that wherever their paths lead them, Kylo would never lose this new ability to smile and laugh. Something inside him has let go for the time being. She feels she’s getting a glimpse into what he might have been like in his youth, before there were dark voices in the night, or distrustful uncles, or worried parents.

His eyes have started to lose that perpetual dark shadow that lived under them. His face doesn’t look like it’s constantly troubled anymore; and what a difference that makes…He’s young and fresh and…handsome that way. His face breaks into smiles easily now. He finds her funny; his eyes are alert and ready for her jokes, he laughs with his belly, he rocks back and forth, and his smile is wide and full. Rey thinks he has a mouth that was made for smiling. It’s become his most endearing quality. And her heart has started to do funny things when she sees it.

They also started a game – it’s the one she found that day in his hut on T’Kal – the game with four dice and a small black stone. She found it again on a shelf in his room and asked if he’d show her how to play. He admitted that he didn’t know. So Rey decided to make something up.

Rey didn’t have to ask to know it had been his father’s. The dice looked well used; most of the black spots were faded and there were little chips all over the edges. Rey had a feeling betting had a great deal to do with the premise. But they didn’t have anything to offer each other.

“I’ve got it,” Rey had exclaimed, leaning in closer to him over the table. Even she could see Kylo’s soft and affectionate reaction to her eagerness. “We put the stone in the middle of us. We each get two dice and if your numbers are greater than mine, you can ask me to do something that I have to do, otherwise you get to move the stone one-inch toward yourself. And if my numbers are greater than yours, I get to ask a question that you have to answer otherwise I get to move the stone toward myself. Each round we switch dare for question.”  

The first time they played turned into a long night of painful laughter. Rey’s abs were so sore the next day she cancelled their training session to recover. First, they spent an absurd amount of time arguing over where exactly the middle of the table was. Kylo was the one who figured out the table was exactly four of his lightsaber’s lengths across, so they used that to make the stone’s placement fair.

Rey went easy on him the first round, asking him how he learned to cook. It turned out to be from the other kids at the Jedi academy. It was a popular hang out – the fire pits by the beach. Then Kylo told her she had to hold her breath for twenty minutes. Outraged, she was forced to let him move the stone closer to him, but immediately made revisions to the rules.   

The dares steadily got more ridiculous – to the point where Rey told Kylo he had to go to Miss Abrielle’s cottage, knock on the door, and run away. When she proposed this, he couldn’t speak for a solid minute from laughing.

“She already hates me,” he complained.

“Ah, then I’ll go ahead and move this…”

“No,” he said quickly. “I’ll do it.”

Rey never imagined he actually would, but he did. And she fully believed the end had come for her via asphyxiation from laughing as hard as she was, watching him scamper away from Miss Abrielle’s little lodge, motioning for her to shut up. Miss Abrielle may or may not have seen the tail end of him just before he reached Rey in the bushes, but from then on she always gave him an extra long glare.

They never did have a winner that night, so the game has continued every day since. And it hasn’t always been so playful. One night Kylo’s question about scavenging on Jakku turned into a two-hour discussion by the fireplace, the game forgotten on the table. They had an unspoken agreement to not ask about anything that would remind them of their current positions in the war. Though Rey did ask him how long he’s been away from his family. And she regretted it because he got quiet after that.

Today, though, is the eve of her new student’s return home, and she can’t wait to meet them. Kylo doesn’t seem to share her enthusiasm, but then she didn’t exactly expect him to.

Rey feels a shiver over her arms and stands up to go back inside. She can see raindrops starting to spread over the ocean in the distance. The wind picks up and she scurries inside.

She doesn’t see Kylo, but she can hear the shower going in the refresher. She crawls into bed. It feels deliciously comfortable tonight. She flips through one of the Jedi texts, finding the ancient mysteries rather silly at the moment. Nothing can be so serious right now. It’s too lovely a night.

Kylo appears in the doorframe, dressed in his black underclothes. She nearly chokes at the way they reveal his muscles underneath. She grins at him and scoots over in bed. Her heart falls as she realized he doesn’t look happy. He does offer her a half smile as he enters the room and sets a glass of water on the floor next to the mattress.

He joins her in bed and sits up against the wall. He looks at her, his face expressionless, and raises a hand to twirl a lock of her hair around his finger. He looks at that lock sadly, like it’s the last time he’s going to see and hold it.

Rey fears he’s slipping. He’s thinking of things outside, beyond their bubble. He doesn’t need to yet; they still have time. The students haven’t even arrived yet. The rain patters on the roof as he continues to stare at her hair against his hand.

Things are always more somber between them during a rainstorm. She wishes that weren’t the case – she feels nothing but warmth toward him now. She slides closer so their hips and legs are touching, and then snakes her arms around his middle.

“I’m afraid I have some bad news,” Rey says. “The game is over. I ran into the table after dinner and knocked the stone off. I’m pretty sure I was winning, though.”

“Hm,” says Kylo, not really listening.

“We can keep playing though,” she says, and she begins to rub her hand over his back. “I’ve enjoyed making you do things.”

“I’m sure you have,” he replies, slouching over so she could reach more of his back.

She says, “Question. What are you thinking about?”

He shakes his head and puts his head between his knees.

She pouts, rubbing her fingernails over his back in circles.

“Okay, dare,” she says. “Hold my hand.”

He remains in place, but his hand reaches for hers like a magnet. She smiles.    

“Question,” she says. “Do you mind that I call you Ben?”

He still doesn’t look up. His thumb is gently caressing the back of her hand.

“Of course not,” he says, softly.

She smiles again.

“Question,” he says. “Are you still hoping I’ll turn back to the light?”

The thunder rumbles heavily outside and the rain starts to pick up. Rey realizes her attempt to keep things light and fun is failing. She knows the darkness he battles; it’s been a mere illusion these past few days, but it’s still there. It’s always there.

“I’m hoping whatever you do, you’ll be happy,” Rey answers.

Kylo straightens up and turns to her, his brown eyes particularly striking with the candlelight behind him.

“Dare,” he says in a low voice. “Tell me a secret.”

“You’re wonderful,” she answers, “but that’s not such a secret.”

He’s taken aback. She’s doing it again – making him sad and happy at the same time.

“Dare,” Rey says, inches away from his face. “Kiss me.”

If Rey expected hesitation on his end, she must have never realized that the absence of that command was the only thing that had kept him from doing so a long time ago.

He’s on her in an instant; she is pushed back onto her pillows as his weight crushes her against the mattress. She gives an involuntary moan as he finds her lips and he kisses up the sound like it is the last thing he’ll ever hear. His hand reaches around her ribs and he pushes past her shirt to feel her bare back. His hand feels like a hot stone on her spine – she arches toward him – and another moan escapes her lips.

Desire sears through Rey’s blood, she can feel her legs lose feeling as all the feeling she has collects in her groin. He’s much rougher than he’s ever been with her, aside from training. He grabs her wrists with one hand and thrusts them above her head and takes another dive full of kisses. His eyes are wild and hungry, and Rey becomes nothing in the world but sensation.

He moves so he’s parallel to her, his hips against hers, and he’s arched over to kiss her neck. His tongue is hot on her skin, he nips and licks and her eyes roll back in her head as she attempts to keep herself grounded. He’s well on his way to bringing her to completion just from what he’s doing to her neck and she runs her fingernails from the top of his shoulder blades to the small of his back.

He gasps and pauses a moment to breathe through the ecstasy he’s been struck with. He can’t even see her right now; he’s blind and starving, _starving_. He wants nothing more than free reign on this body beneath him. Her body’s the ultimate painkiller and he’s already addicted to it. He kisses her cheek and her ear and her shoulder and lets his chest fall over hers to _feel_ her and it’s…powerful. And terribly erotic, the feel of her soft breasts against his chest – it’s like he’s been set on fire.

But it’s also something more; it’s…comforting. He doesn’t like that – it’s that feeling again…the sad and happy at the same time…he can’t cope with that. He wants the carnal desire without his despicable emotions…

He panics, his kissing becomes desperate, he doesn’t want to lose this wonderful feeling. He feels masculine like this, he feels _whole_ like this…if he could just hold on a little longer.

Rey notices the difference – his rhythm is off, he’s chasing something he can’t seem to get back. His lustful panting starts becoming choppy and he gradually starts to slow down, his kisses burning in one spot along her collarbone.

Rey’s entire body is alive with sensation. It’s a strangely _satisfying_ feeling, like she’s floating through pleasure rather than climbing towards it. She’s glad he’s pressed against her; she adores this closeness. But she’s starting to wonder if he’s okay. He inhales deeply; his throat is constricting, making his breathing sound shaky and frantic. He’s gripping the blanket by her cheek, tightening and releasing his fist over and over, and she swears he’s starting to tremble.

“Ben?”

“No!” he snaps. “Don’t – don’t talk to me.”

Rey is sorely tempted to dip into his mind for answers, but it feels too cruel. She decides to not think and to not worry…about anything. She’s strongest when she feels the Force, when she’s present and solid. Direction will come. Answers and solutions will come.

_Kindness_ , a voice that comes from inside her whispers, _Just show him kindness._

Rey reaches up and puts her hand gently through his damp hair. She nearly shudders; his hair smells decadent from his shower. She finds his hand with her other one and curls her fingers through his. She brings his hand to her lips and kisses it.

He doesn’t respond. Rey is determined to stay out of his head, but she can feel a growing tantrum inside him that is thick and violent and gnarled with self-hatred, disgust, and shame. She shakes her head and opens her thoughts to him.

Does he not know her by now? Does he not realize who is beneath him, receiving his kisses? Does he really think she would judge him for this? Like a couple weeks away from it all would mend everything that’s so horribly broken?

His answer isn’t intentional, but Rey can feel it through the bond: a heavy, melancholy response that enters her mind in a steaming mess of emotion. It’s overwhelming to be vulnerable in the best of circumstances. His terror of rejection is eating him alive. His fear of disappointing her is unparalleled. He can’t offer her much, but he should be able to offer her _this_.

Rey lets go of his hand and wraps both of her arms around his back and holds tight. He’s working himself straight into a panic attack.

He should have known he wouldn’t be able to handle this. A single moment of feeling something genuine and he dissolves into madness. Apparently he’s not even capable of acting out in lust. The thing is…the things they’re doing together…it’s not lust they’re making.

The thing is, they can pretend all they want, but he is always going to be the same imbalanced, conflicted, weak, undeserving fool. With enough time, it will show through again. It always does.

Rey now holds her cheek against his.

“Everything’s okay right now,” she says softly. “Promise.”

He takes a deep breath.

“Here,” she says, “let me show you what I want.”

Curious, he lifts himself up on his arms, hovering over her for a moment as she slides her warm hands under his shirt. Taking care to feel his skin and every muscle along the way, she drags her hands up his back, taking the shirt with her. His chest is rock hard, full muscles curve along the shape of him from repeated training. She feels another hot swell of desire.

How she can be attracted to him right now, he’ll never know, but she runs a finger down the middle of his chest and he takes another shuddering breath. Then she cups the side of his neck, moving her fingers in gentle circles at the base of his skull. He closes his eyes and leans into her touch.

Carefully, she edges herself up while trying to still keep him on top of her. She crosses her arms and the last thing she sees before removing her shirt are his eyes widening in surprise.

His eyes travel down to her lips, to the little dip in her neck, and then to her breasts. She can feel them respond to his gaze; they crave his attention. He swallows and parts of him are still trembling.

Rey puts her hands on his arms and pushes him over so he is on his side facing her. She wiggles herself against him, pressing her bare chest to his. She hears a sharp inhale next to her ear. She presses her lips to the top of his pectoral muscle and closes her eyes.

“This is what I want,” she says. “Hold me. And don’t leave.”

“I’m not going to leave,” he says.

“Okay.”

 

The following morning Rey opens her eyes to Kylo’s back. She can see the outline of his ribs and spine down his long torso. The muscles along his shoulder blades are particularly visible in the morning light dusting his side of the bed. His black trousers hang low on his hips – Rey can see the sharp curve of his lower back disappear below them.

Her desire from the night before hasn’t assuaged. She’s a little too warm, her cheeks are flushed, and there’s a certain ache at the base of her gut. She leans closer to him and presses her lips against his spine.

“Hm,” Kylo utters from deep in his throat, a low, raspy sound that stirs Rey even more. 

She’s about to kiss that left shoulder blade that’s calling to her when she hears a loud, smart knock on the front door. Is it time already?

Rey clambers out of bed and throws a shirt on as she rushes to the door. She opens it to reveal Miss Abrielle dressed in her nicest skirt and hat, holding a loaf of bread. She greets Rey with her wide, mostly toothless grin…that immediately starts to fade.

“Good morning, Miss Abrielle” says Rey. “What’s the matter?”

The older woman’s eyes look horrified as she glances ever so briefly below Rey’s chin, and then snap back to Rey’s eyes. She attempts a smile again. Rey looks down over her front.

She’s wearing Kylo’s black undershirt. It’s much too large, extending well past her hips and the sleeves nearly reach her elbows. She wills it not to happen, but her cheeks burn crimson. She tries to direct the attention elsewhere.

“You look lovely today,” Rey says airily. “Did you make that dress?”

“It was my mother’s,” Miss Abrielle says in a rather high voice. “I only wear it on special occasions. My boy comes home tonight.”

“Oh yes, your grandson – I’m sure you’ve missed him terribly.” Rey steps halfway behind the door, as if that will mend her embarrassment.

“Yes, well, all families miss their children while they’re away.” Miss Abrielle begins to show great interest in her long, manicured nails. “Anyway, here’s this, fresh as always. And I wanted to personally invite you to the festival tonight.”

“The festival?”

“Yes, the homecoming festival. The whole town makes a thing of it. Everyone will be there and you can meet your students.”

“Oh, of course,” says Rey. “I’d be honored.”

“Splendid,” says Miss Abrielle, nodding and turning to leave. “Splendid, splendid. Have a lovely day, dear, and we’ll see you this evening. And – I suppose you should bring…him…also.”

Rey smiles and nods as Miss Abrielle bustles away, her large hips swaying quickly. Rey turns around and nearly walks right into Kylo. He’s still bare-chested.

“Someone stole my shirt,” he says.

“Please tell me she couldn’t see you standing here,” says Rey, looking back over her shoulder.

“No, I don’t think so. Why do you ask?”

“It’s nothing,” says Rey, rubbing a hand over her face. “I’m going to slice this up.”

Kylo smirks as she hurries past him, avoiding looking directly at him. He follows behind her.

“Are you going to give my shirt back?” he asks.

“No,” she says curtly.

“Good.”

Rey looks at him, flushing again. His eyes are playful. She can’t reconcile him like this. He’s too confusing and she’s going to lose her mind.

“We’ve been invited to their homecoming festival,” Rey says, arranging some strawberries on a plate. “Our future students will be there.”

“Your future students,” he corrects.  

Rey frowns at him. “They are _our_ students, or we’re going to arouse suspicion.”

Kylo rolls his eyes. Rey walks by him with the bread on a tray and pops half a strawberry in his mouth. He’s surprised and pleased as he follows her to the table.

“I see you’re in a better mood today,” Rey says.

Kylo sighs and runs a hand through his hair.

“I’m sorry about that,” he says. “I received communication from the Order yesterday.”

“Oh!” Rey looks concerned. “Bad news?”

“No, nothing wholly unexpected.” He picks moodily at his bread. “Turns out General Hux went back to Rohk, precisely where I told him not to go. The troopers have had some difficulty without him on T’Kal.”

“Oh?” Rey hopes he can’t sense her rising panic. She hasn’t heard a word from the Resistance since she left.

“That uprising you spoke of…you’ll be glad to hear it went well for them. Not so much for kanjiklub. They’re retreating to a former base as we speak – out a lot of money, from what I’m told. Delayed a lot of deals and made a lot of enemies.”

“Erm…that’s good, though,” says Rey. “The Tallians deserved to have their planet back.”

“Yes, everything worked out nicely. You got me out of the way and even Hux wasn’t there to disrupt things. There weren’t enough troopers left to help kanjiklub even if they wanted to. Peace, justice, and victory for your friends.” He pauses. “And you lied to me.”

Rey had been waiting for a line like that. She lifts her eyes to his. She doesn’t sense anger, but he might be blocking. His expression doesn’t look distressed. It’s as though he expected this. He’s just relaying facts.

“The Resistance was there after all,” he says. 

“Yes,” says Rey. “I’m sorry, Ben. I’m sorry I had to lie.”

Kylo looks thoughtful. His brows crease as he leans back in his chair. “No, there’s no need to apologize. I don’t fault you. It only reminded me that…we’re not on the same team.”

“No,” says Rey, sadly. “I suppose we’re not.”

They sit in silence for a while. The suns start to rise high enough to reach through the top windows and the room begins to brighten. Kylo looks at Rey, who is gazing at nothing, deep in thought. Her hair is down, framing her face and collecting on her shoulders. A frame of light illuminates half her face. Every day she looks lovelier than the last.

“Rey,” he says. “Let’s look at the training arena today. I think you’ll like what I’ve helped the locals set up.”

The day passes like all the others and they say nothing more about the world outside. Rey has to remind him several times that they’re expected in town for the homecoming celebration. And despite his reluctance, Kylo dresses in his black, layered robes and walks side by side with Rey toward the town’s center.

The suns are almost beneath the horizon, creating a dome-like glow against the clouds. The air is fresh and sky directly above is clear; bright stars lead the way like an upside down path. As they get closer to town, the dirt trail becomes outlined in cool, white lights. The buildings are decorated in flowers from the townspeople’s gardens, glittering lights are everywhere, and what looks like the entire village is standing in the town square.

Many of the locals are holding musical instruments Rey has never seen before. They resemble large wooden flutes, and when played together, touch something inside her she didn’t know was there. They don’t play any distinct melody, just rich tones in unison, and it’s radiant, warm, and peaceful.

A few people shout and point down the road, where a rickety carriage pulled by a very old fathier snakes through the trees. The setting suns and the lights from town dimly illuminate the children’s faces. When the carriage comes to a stop, the children are all smiles as they run to greet their relatives.  

A line of villagers starts beating on vast, makeshift drums. The music picks up, and the children dance with their friends and family. Music and laughter and chatter fill the air. Nearly everyone in the village is moving, running about, playing, and dancing.

Kylo stands behind Rey. She reaches behind her and holds out her hand. He takes it. She brings it around to her stomach and he steps closer. She leans back against his front, taking his other hand over her stomach so he is gently embracing her. She begins to sway with the music, watching the glittering lights of Canto Bight in the distance.

After some time, Rey finally sees Miss Abrielle bustling towards them, holding the hand of an eleven or twelve-year-old boy.

He’s strongly built for a boy his age, like his muscles have had to grow a lot in a short amount of time. He has shaggy brown hair that gets in his eyes and a thoughtful expression, like he’s always concentrating on something.

“Master Rey,” trills Miss Abrielle. “I’ve been most eager to introduce you to my grandson, Kit. Kit, this is Master Rey – the Jedi we’ve been expecting.”

The boy’s hard face changes suddenly to an expression of surprise and awe. He reaches out his hand to shake hers.

“You’re here,” is all he says. His voice is in that strange place between high and deep. And it’s a bit rough, like he doesn’t often use it.

Rey feels an unusual sensation when she takes the boy’s hand. The Force is strong inside him, powerful and ready and in his control.

“Kit met some friends of yours a few years ago,” says Miss Abrielle, looking lovingly at her grandson. “A man and woman – they’ve been the subjects of all the children’s tales since they came. About how they set the fathiers free.”

Rey smiles. “Finn’s a dear friend of mine.”

“Are you really here to train us?” asks Kit, his face back to its stoic expression.

“Yes,” Rey says, and she moves to the side to draw attention to Kylo, who had been doing his best to be as discrete as possible behind her. “And I’ve brought a friend to help. This is Master Ben.”

Kylo gives her a sideways look as he takes the boy’s hand. He notices a thick array of scars on the boy’s wrists and arms – from a whip, no doubt. Kit nods to him but Kylo can’t seem to think clearly.

“Well, we ought to get you a warm meal and a good night’s sleep,” coos Miss Abrielle, reaching for Kit’s hand again. “Poor thing’s skin and bones each time he comes back. You can see them again tomorrow, Kit.”

“Bye,” Kit says softly, and follows his grandmother down the lighted trail.

As Rey and Kylo walk back to their cottage, Kylo glances at her and says, “Master Ben?”

Rey smiles. “I can’t exactly introduce you as Kylo Ren, Supreme Leader of the First Order, can I?”

“I don’t see why not. I’m not trying to hide. I could be myself and let the students decide which cause they’d like to join.”

Rey can’t decide if he’s joking or not, so she leaves it alone. Her thoughts shift to that boy, her new student. She recognized something in his deep-set eyes. There’s a sharpness to him. Something’s inside him, something powerful. He doesn’t know what to do with it, but it’s his, and she can tell he doesn’t have very much that’s his own.

Rey is really looking forward to tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you're wondering, the boy, Kit, is the kid in The Last Jedi who force-pulls the broom and looks out at the stars at the end of the movie :)


	14. Waves

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is one of my favorite chapters, I hope you like it! It's the last fluffy one for a while. Also, if smut isn't your thing, stop reading after the (!!!!!!)

Rey is awake and ready long before Miss Abrielle comes to deliver their bread. Kylo is resistant to being woken so early, but eventually he, too, walks with Rey toward the training arena the townspeople built.

It’s a large, vibrant green field now scattered with obstacles, prop weapons, and strength exercises. Yesterday Kylo even managed to rig an old blaster to shoot low energy beams for defensive practicing.

Rey and Kylo come into view of several large white boulders, where a dozen children are already waiting for them. Miss Abrielle’s grandson, Kit, is leaning against a tree, making a rock float in a circle around him. It drops to the ground when he notices Rey and Kylo, and he, like the others, move toward them and crowd around.

Rey sees that most of the children are about ten to twelve years old. Some are younger – Rey discovers what seems to be the youngest hiding behind an older boy, who tells her with a lisp that she is five years old.

As Rey introduces herself and discovers the names of her students, more and more children arrive. Many of them do not know what the Force is, but they’ve heard stories. They tell her they want to learn and then become strong enough to help the Resistance to take down their captures in Canto Bight. They have everything figured out.

Rey can feel the Force inside each and every child, but none as strongly as Kit. She begins by having them work on some basic forms, letting their minds go where they will. The children are eager and follow instruction without struggle. The only draw back is they all want Rey’s attention, asking her to make them the best of everyone.

Kit keeps to himself for the most part, but he is a prodigy, there’s no way around it. He connects to the Force like a trained Jedi would, like he’s been using it all his life.

“I want you to take him,” Rey whispers to Kylo, who has been hanging back during Rey’s inspection of everyone. “I need to start slow with the others, but I’m eager to get him going. He’s already so much farther along than the rest.”

Kylo looks over at Kit who does a front flip while weaving through the trees.

He faces Rey and bends over to speak quietly. “If you ask this of me, you need to understand that I won’t hold back. I’m not going to hide anything, like Luke Skywalker did. I can only teach what I know. And Rey…” He waits until she looks him in the eyes. “I know the darkside.”

Rey sighs and watches Kit Force-pull the five-year-old across the grass.

“Teach him the ways of the Force,” she says. “I don’t want you to hide, I want you to be honest. But don’t manipulate him. Let him figure out the path that makes sense to him.”

Kylo is offended at her choice to use the word, ‘manipulate’, but he decides to leave that for now and strides over to his new student.

Kit picks up a short staff, twirls it through the air, over his head, slashes from side to side, and brings it to a sharp and controlled stop in front of Kylo. Kit’s usual hard expression lightens when he sees him.

“Master,” he says, and bows.

“Stand up, show me your posture.” Kylo walks around him perusing him for flaws. The boy is strong, there’s no question. He holds himself boldly; there’s nothing sloppy or lazy about him. His dark blue eyes are small and bright, and they never seem to lose focus.  

“You’re not new to this,” says Kylo.

“No.” Kit’s eyes follow Kylo’s movements. His mouth is a firm line, he wants more than anything to impress him. “I’ve been practicing most of my life.”

“I have no doubt,” Kylo says and a hint of a smile crosses Kit’s face. “I’m going to teach you defensive forms first. You’ll need to learn quickly so pay attention. You’ll use these more than anything else. The objective of every duel should be protection. If you lose your defense, you lose your life.”

Kit looks more determined than ever. He responds to Kylo’s instructions with rapt attention. He does everything he says. He questions nothing. He says nothing. Kylo fires directions at him rapidly and only stops when Kit finally stumbles and crouches over with his hands on his knees to catch his breath.

He looks up with those deep blue eyes and Kylo senses fear and shame.

Kylo shakes his head and relaxes his posture, bringing his hands behind his back to appear casual. “Excellent. This is a good stopping point.”

Kylo isn’t consciously aware of it, but he has been taking great care in how he addresses his student. If the boy does what he asks and makes the necessary corrections, he is sure to acknowledge it. When Kit makes mistakes, Kylo doesn’t let his frustration or disappointment show. He is only as critical as he needs to be. And the boy isn’t overly sensitive; he thrives on instruction, he wants to be better.

Kylo would have to be a great fool to not recognize himself in this young boy, and perhaps it is for this reason he does his best to make him feel adequate. Especially since Kit looks to him with so much reverence. Kylo senses he could break him down in a second with a few harsh words. But if Kit is going to be his student, he will teach him that the most important lesson of all is to know he is enough.

When the day has passed, Kylo and Rey go back to their cottage and hardly speak of anything else besides their students. The following morning it is Kylo who has to get Rey to wake up and get out of bed. Kit is waiting on the white boulder for Kylo and jumps down eagerly when he sees him coming.

 

Days pass and Kit is thriving under Kylo’s guidance. Kit doesn’t seem to slow down, nothing is too hard for him to learn, and he never asks for a break. If Snoke were alive, he would have demanded that Kylo retrieve the boy immediately. Kit would have been the perfect apprentice. He works hard without complaint. He has stamina, drive, and integrity. There’s no conflict in him; he’s fully dedicated, stable, and whole.

Rey stops by from time to time to look in on their training. One time she happens to look over just as Kit manages to escape from Kylo’s hold on him and knocks him to the ground with his staff.

“Very well done,” she says and Kit smiles at her.

Rey gives Kylo a look. She’s impressed. Of course she is. Kit’s the golden boy of padawans. He’s every Master’s dream.

One of the first things Kylo notices about him is he has impressive control over his anger. On their third day of training, the heat of the day becomes tremendous and Kit grows frustrated with his mistakes. Instead of losing control, however, he takes hold of his anger and pushes it out in the form of energy and power – and the Force is magnificent within him. He becomes stronger for it, and then like water it passes over him, washes him clean, leaving him with relief.

That moment has stuck with Kylo. To use anger in that way is something he has never been able to do. The darkside feeds on anger, but Kit hasn’t been using the darkside. Kylo doesn’t think he’s known a living soul farther from it. Yet Kit doesn’t fear negative emotions. He welcomes them, embraces them, and then they help him. Every time.           

After the first week goes by, Kylo and Rey tell the students to take a day off and they spend a day alone at the cottage. Kylo has been so engrossed in training that he is surprised to see actually Rey for more than a few minutes at a time. Somehow he’s forgotten how slight her frame is, how strong her arms and legs look when she walks around, the firm shape of her stomach, and the little hint of mischief in her eyes when she looks at him.

Rey is in her element as a Master. Before Kit took so much of his attention, Kylo would often look over at her, watch her show a student a form or practice dueling with short staffs. She shines bright when she’s with others, helping to develop their talents. And she shines bright here, at home, in the gentle evening light. She clears the dinner plates and looks out the western window toward the peaceful ocean.

Smiles are so prevalent on her anymore, yet Kylo never tires of them. She turns to him as a square of light brushes her cheek and he finds himself sucked into that void he fears. But it’s so warm there, it feels so good there, and there’s something about this kind, gentle evening that makes him less afraid than usual.

Kylo responds to Rey’s expression with a certain look in his eyes that brings heat to Rey’s cheeks.

“What?” Rey asks with a small smile. She’s being shy and that’s enough to kick him off the edge and into that void headfirst.

“I think it’s about time you learned how to swim,” he says.

Her jaw drops and her eyes pop. “W-what?”

He smirks and takes her by the wrist and leads her out the back door toward the beach. He lets her go at the edge of the water and kicks off his boots, removes his shirt, and throws it behind him. He dives in the cool water and pops up at the other side of a great wave. Rey slowly follows him in, stopping when the water brushes her knees.

Kylo swims several strides back toward her. He tries not to react to how sweet she looks with her arms wrapped around her, eyes scared but lips turned upward. He approaches her and for some reason she won’t look at him. He lifts her chin with his finger.

“Trust me,” he says. He’s not sure how she’ll receive that, but her smile grows.

“Let me help you.” He takes the bottom hem of her shirt in his hands and slowly lifts up, rolling the fabric over her torso. She lifts her arms and he brings the shirt over her head.

Rey grins at him, her eyes dancing. She’s standing in an ocean with the Supreme Leader, wearing nothing but a thin, cloth bra and soaking wet crop pants. She has to fight down a wild laugh.

“Here,” he says, moving closer to her. “Lean back and let me hold you. I’ll show you what it feels like to float.”

Rey feels like she’s under a spell. She doesn’t know what’s come over him, but she won’t be the one to stop it. She grabs his shoulder as he pulls her horizontally into the water, and she can feel his warm, strong arms on her back.

“Let go.” He chuckles low in his throat. “I won’t let you sink.”

She takes a deep breath, removes her hand from his shoulder, and lets her arms float at her sides. Her hair swims around her and the water laps over her stomach and breasts. She smiles and closes her eyes.

A few minutes pass, but she could let the ocean rock her like that for hours. She squints her eyes open and Kylo’s a little farther away from her – he’s let go! She panics and scrambles in the water, her head dipping under for a moment.

Kylo lifts her back up and she clings to his shoulders like a child, wrapping her legs around his waist.

“You left me!” she scolds. “You said to trust you and you left me!”

He laughs, his voice low and gravely. Rey doesn’t think she’ll ever tire of the sound.

“I wasn’t far,” he says. “And you were doing it on your own.”

“Well I’m never putting my life in your hands again,” she says, but he scoops her off of him and holds her in the water with one arm on her back, one under her knees.

He walks her back to shore where she can touch, and she finds it curious that he’s still carrying her even where she could walk. When the water is at his waist he keeps her in the water and sets her on the sand. He sits beside her and pushes sand over her left hand, deep in thought.

“You don’t have to worry about me leaving you,” he says, watching her dark, buried hand shimmer underwater.

Rey doesn’t know what he means so she doesn’t say anything. After a minute, he stands, water cascading down from his body. He smiles at her, so genuine and real, it almost brings tears to Rey’s eyes. He turns back to the ocean and dips in the water, swimming against the waves. He stands and a new wave catches him off guard and he falls under water, popping up a few seconds later sputtering and laughing.

Rey watches him; fully aware this is probably the most carefree and _present_ she’s ever seen him. She’s so happy to see him like that; she can’t seem to stop smiling. She wishes she could gather it all up in a jar and keep it…maybe return it to him when he needs a reminder that this kind of life is possible for him.

Kylo swims back toward her. She thinks he’ll stop in front of her, or sit down beside her, but he keeps coming…he crouches down and stays in the water, crawling with the waves, and floats on top of her. Her breath catches in her throat as he grabs the back of her head with one hand and kisses her with so much force she nearly falls back into the water.

His touch is confident but tender, and Rey loses herself in it. The water makes him light, so he doesn’t crush her, but he’s covering her entirely, moving her toward the sand so she can put her head back.

!!!!!!

 

He snakes both his hands around her back and he feels the sand grate against her smooth skin. His chest and stomach meet hers and Rey’s body has craved him for so long now, it feels like she’s suddenly caught on fire, despite the cool water flowing between them.

The natural movement of the waves causes him to sway back and forth on top of her. Realizing this, their eyes snap to each other in equal arousal. Rey can feel a hard lump brushing along her lower belly. For a brief moment Rey thinks she’s going to pass out.

“Don’t leave,” she breathes against his mouth.

“I’m not,” he answers, kissing around her lips and up her cheek to her temple. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“Touch me,” she wines. “Please.”

Kylo feels his heart and his cock throb together in response. He pushes her up farther on the sand so he can reach her better.

He rips off her bra, actually tears it from her body. She glances at it briefly lying on the sand, a jagged tear through the side of it. Her eyes wide, she turns back to him and he covers her mouth with his, chasing her tongue, and _fuck_ he tastes so sweet. He takes her hand and pushes it above her head, lacing his fingers through hers and pushing it hard against the sand as he lowers his lips to her collarbone.

“Don’t leave,” she whispers up to the darkening sky, and Kylo flinches, wondering why she thinks he would.

He plants a hundred tiny kisses down her chest while palming her breast with his free hand. She squirms beneath him and his reflex is immediate: he thrusts his pelvis against her and they both gasp.

He drags both his hands down the side of her body and holds the edges of her breasts with his fingers wrapped around to her back. He can’t believe how tiny she is, his fingers nearly touch as they reach around her.

He drags his tongue over her left breast and teases her nipple, holding it between his full lips, dragging his teeth lightly over it, blowing a stream of cool breath over it to make it hard and prominent. Rey can feel his cock twitch against her leg as he squeezes her small breast, staring at her raw nipple with a burning look of greed, and unexpectedly he opens his mouth and sucks _hard._

Rey cries out and curls upward, her abs now tight and strong as she half way sits up. The water gathers in her lap and laps against her stomach. Kylo pushes his thumbs against her shoulder muscles, massaging them, and pushes her gently back again. She squirms again, her thighs rubbing together beneath his legs, and her heart drums rather desperately as he kisses her belly, his mouth and chin submerged in water.  

Kylo sees her in his periphery looking down at him, her lips pouting and swollen, and he pushes his fists into the sand on either side of her and lifts his whole body up to reach them. Rey moans as his lips press hot against hers; it’s the perfect fit, the perfect feel that reaches inside her body and burns her nerves.

Kylo kisses across the side of her face and rests for a moment with his cheek against hers, panting heavily.

“Rey…” His voice is raw in her ear. “Would it be okay if…would you mind…”

He half laughs and half pants as his chest rises and falls on top of her. Rey senses a lot of things inside him, most of it wild, delicious desire, but a bit of it is now embarrassment and she can’t help but giggle. The noise slashes through his senses and he feels a heavy swell in his chest.

“What do you want?” Rey asks, and she brings both her hands up to his face. She brushes his dark, wet hair out of his face with one and brings her pointer finger to his lips. His eyes find hers and her heart melts at the way he looks at her. His eyes are soft and kind, his expression is gentle, not a flicker of anxiety or sadness.

His biceps are large on either side of her face as he holds himself up. He kisses her nose and moves his hand down over her chest so it’s covered with his palm. Rey feels warm and safe like that. But her core is aching now; a sort of pull deep below her belly starts to distract her. Kylo senses this and again, without thinking he thrusts against her, letting his forehead drop to her shoulder.

“Will you touch me?” he asks between pants.

That pull in her core yanks her desire straight through her body and her arms start to shake with the strain of it. She forgets how to see or think as her hand travels down his stomach and slips beneath the wet, rough fabric of his trousers. She finds him hot and stiff; she closes her hand over him and his chest sinks farther into her in a heavy sigh. He begins to kiss the skin over her shoulder, he _bites_ at it, and sucks with each motion of her hand.

She’s so eager; she moves fast and grasps the back of his shoulder blade with her other hand for support.

“Wait – wait,” he begs.

She slows down and lets his silk-like skin slide with her grip, feeling his pleasure in her mind like it’s her own. It _is_ her own – she’s now arching her pelvis up to meet him. In an instant he reaches up and pulls down her thin pants and takes them off the rest of the way with a kick of his foot.

The cool water meets her naked skin and it’s chilling and wonderful. She holds him against her, rubbing the tip of him around her swollen flesh; her body shudders in approval, and he freezes.

He meets her eyes, hardly daring to ask. She nods and takes his hand in hers and brings it to her lips. He kisses her again, gently, and positions himself carefully. With a deep breath, he slides into her, and she feels so warm and firm, his arms nearly give out. Immediately he feels a delectable, hot tugging, and the water sloshes around them as he moves to take it all.

Rey has been set aflame, her core is aching and swelling, it’s wanted this _bad_ and now it’s angry for the delay.  

Rey grabs his hips and thrusts up to meet him. Something snaps in his eyes and he rolls over, taking her with him so she is on top of him and his hair falls messily around him on the sand.

She props herself up against his chest and moves her hips in a circle, holding the sides of his ribs like her life depends on it. She rocks deep against him and Kylo calls out like he’s in pain as her hands brush over his nipples and grasp onto his waist.

Their hips press against each other in delicious succession. Rey feels that swell of pleasure from off in the distance. She feels it grow like a balloon in her belly, she can feel her muscles down there constrict, and Kylo cries out again and presses his teeth to her neck.

Rey is overcome with need, she angles herself lower so he reaches farther inside her, and moves with her legs pressed together, making her all the tighter. The tips of Kylo’s hands are white as they press against her thighs. She thrusts up high, sliding down on him entirely and he feels that pressure start to throb and give.

He catches a whiff of their sweet combined scent and his head falls back against the sand, suddenly dizzy. Even the stars above are erotic, he stretches his neck back and his chest starts to spasm with coughs of pleasure – Rey has no idea what she’s doing to him.  

“Ben,” she whispers. “Look at me.”

His dark eyes meet hers and she kisses him, bringing his bottom lip in her mouth and biting softly. He holds her close, her movements are short and quick on top of him and she gasps as her swell finally releases and feels like she’s falling and flying at the same time.

Her release so powerful and complete that she wines against his mouth and her head drops to his chest as her orgasm crashes against him again and again. It’s too much for him – he grabs her by the back of the neck and pulls her impossibly close as his own pressure gives way and he spills inside her while pulling her against his chest as hard as he can.

He doesn’t release her until their panting subsides. He’s staring up at the stars, smelling her fragrant hair, finally hearing, for the first time tonight, the sound of the waves tumbling around them.

Rey is completely spent. She doesn’t even have enough strength to lift herself off of him. She rests her head against his chest and closes her eyes, thinking maybe they could just sleep here like this.

Kylo gently eases her off; he rolls her over onto the sand and then kneels at her side.

“Do you want me to carry you?” he asks.

“Hm,” she replies, holding his hand.

He picks her up, her wet, naked body starting to shiver in the night air. He carries her back to the cottage and heads straight for the refresher. He places her in the shower and she stands next to him, still holding his hand as he rinses the sand off them with his other. She’s sore and satisfied and her legs start to tremble from her own weight. He smiles when he realizes he’s going to need to carry her to bed as well.

She’s only half conscious by the time he places her in bed. Her body folds around him naturally when he climbs in. She still won’t let go of his hand, it’s now in her possession as she faces away from him – she cradles it to her cheek and drifts off to sleep.

Kylo reaches over her and tries to get comfortable without withdrawing his arm. She can have his hand, she can have any part of him she likes. He moves her hair away from her neck and inspects her body one last time. He sees there’s a terrible hickey on her shoulder. He bites his lip as he suppresses a laugh.

He rests his lips on the top her back, in that space between her shoulder blades, closes his eyes, and goes to sleep.


	15. That Within Which Passes Show

Another week of training passes before Rey finally receives a choppy transmission from the Resistance, on a rainy morning while Kylo is out with Kit. She opens her message and Poe’s blue, distorted face appears above her kitchen table.  

“Sorry it’s been so long since – last correspondence – after kanjiklub vacated T’Kal – lost use of all the satellites and – trouble sending – transmissions. Siruya Albrawn has – named Prime Minister. She – extend her thanks to you for the part you played in – victory.

“True to her word, she has offered us full use – her army for as long as we need it. I don’t think – channel is secure so I won’t tell you – headed next, but we’re – excellent progress.

“Since we last spoke we’ve taken down – First Order vessels and dissolved a pact they made a year ago with – Sentry System. Our numbers are finally – … Keep me briefed on your progress there. I’ll send a transport to collect you and – recruits in thirty days time. Stay safe and – the Force be with you.”

Rey closes the panel and sighs. She places the transmitter back in her bag and wonders briefly what communication Kylo receives while she’s away.

By late afternoon the rain has stopped. Rey looks out the window and sees Kylo and Kit walking towards the cottage side by side, their hair soaked and hanging like mops down their faces. Kit’s hair reaches all the way to the tip of his nose. Rey tuts at him as they walk through the door.

“Sit here, kid,” Rey says, pulling out a chair.

Kit obeys and Kylo cocks his head at her. She slips in the refresher and takes out a pair of scissors.

“You look like a swamp monster,” Rey tells Kit and he giggles. “Sit still while I clean you up.”

He sits straight and perfectly still as she chops off his brown locks. She gives Kylo a look – the boy really does take every piece of instruction very seriously. His default expression is so determined. His dark blue eyes stare straight ahead as Rey moves around him – Rey knows there’s a lot going on in that brain of his. But he’s still only a child; he shouldn’t have so much to worry about. Rey understands the feeling. She never had much of a childhood either.

“There,” Rey says, holding up a mirror for him. “Now you can actually see.”

“Thank you, Master,” he says.

“You’re very welcome.” She tussles his short hair and steps across the room to return the scissors. “Would you like to stay for dinner?”

Kit’s head snaps to Kylo, who has a remarkable way of expressing assent with the smallest movement of his mouth, like smile. Kit turns back to Rey and nods enthusiastically.

“Then go outside and play while we make something. _Play,_ I said, Kit – not train.”

He grins and jogs out the back door. Rey peaks out the window and sees him swinging on the rope they had tied to the tree the last time Kit was over. Kylo stands next to her by the window.   

“You should give him a day off from time to time,” says Rey, watching the boy spin around on the rope.

“I tried,” says Kylo. “He wants to keep going.”

Rey folds her hands over the back of her neck and sighs. “He’s so much like you.”

Kylo looks at her, impassively.

“How would you know?” he asks. “He’s nothing like me.”

He turns and walks back to the icebox and bends down to look inside. Rey follows him, pulling the vegetables she picked earlier onto the cutting board.

"Miss Abrielle told me something yesterday,” Rey says, chopping a large carrot. “Did you know her daughter, Kit’s mother, was killed four years ago by their last owner?”

Kylo sighs, takes out a package of meat, and picks up a knife to slice it.

“He – mentioned that, yes.”

Rey looks at him with large, sympathetic eyes. “Did you know he saw the whole thing? He only escaped with his own life because he used the Force to pull a slot machine down on the man’s head and ran away.”

Kylo sets his knife down and turns to her.

“He’s alright, Rey. Don’t worry about him.”

Rey frowns as she chops the vegetables aggressively.

Kylo purses his lips and resumes dressing the meat. “The boy has more aptitude for the Force than anyone I’ve met since – well, you. He’s strong. His pain doesn’t turn him against the light.”

“Not everything’s about the light,” says Rey, dropping the veggies in a bowl and stepping away. She looks out the window again. “Sometimes it’s just about humanity.”

Kylo watches as Rey goes out the back door and joins Kit under the tree. The boy’s small face brightens in her presence. His rare smile is warm toward her. Rey has an unusual affect on people…

           

Time slips by faster than Rey would like. They’re running out of time. Poe’s message said someone from the Resistance is coming for her in less than three weeks. She knows she’s going to have to tell Kylo at some point, but she’s not sure she has the strength to do it.

If Kylo’s been in contact with the First Order, she doesn’t know about it. If he worries about what’s going on outside their training camp, he doesn’t let on. He’s wholly dedicated to training Kit, and to returning to her by dinnertime.

On their thirteenth day of training, Rey asks Kylo to bring Kit to the practice field with the other students so she can take a look at Kit’s progress. While her students practice forms in the field, she takes Kit behind the trees and without warning, Force-pulls a staff from the ground and attacks him.

Kit’s reflexes are pristine. He blocks her without the jerk of surprise that can be compromising in defensive tactics. His movements are controlled, bold, and graceful. His strength has already doubled since she met him.

Kylo watches Kit deflect Rey with rapt attention. You wouldn’t know it looking at him, but he’s pleased.

After Kit escapes Rey’s next attack by flipping backwards in the air and landing in a flawless defensive form, she tosses her staff to the side, cheers, and pulls him into a big hug. Kit is surprised and Kylo’s a bit annoyed, but the boy lights up in a way Kylo has never seen. From that moment on, Kit looks at Rey with a new light in his eyes, and goes out of his way to show her things he has mastered.

They’re edging on their third week with the students and the Resistance is only two weeks away. Rey and Kylo make their way to the training field in silence. Kylo keeps looking over at her but Rey can’t seem to find any word or expression that won’t give away her anticipation. She needs to tell him…but not now.

They approach the field where all of Rey’s students are waiting. But no one sits on the top of the white boulders. Kit isn’t there. Kylo frowns and leans against the rocks waiting for him while Rey gets started with her students. He waits most of the morning before finally Rey makes him help her with the younger children. When they stop for lunch, Rey says she’s going to town for more water, and asks Kylo to stay with the students.

He paces moodily, looking up every so often to see if he’ll see Kit running to him from down the path. After several minutes, he does see a figure coming in the distance. But it’s not Kit – it’s Miss Abrielle.

She steps on the field and looks around for Rey, and when it’s apparent she’s not there, she moves toward Kylo. Her eyes are puffy and she holds a great big handkerchief in her hand.

“I have terrible news,” she croaks. “Tell Master Rey for me – Kit’s father lost his life this morning. He was killed…by a First Order Captain who was displeased by the price of an X-Wing he engineered. Tell Master Rey, won’t you?”

She hiccups and turns around to walk away. Kylo stands in shock as he watches her leave. It takes him ten long seconds for his brain to catch up.

“Wait – where’s Kit?” he calls after her.

“I kept him home today,” she says. “I’m his only family now.”

Kylo moves past her and ignores her “Where are you going?” He marches through the village and down the little trail he knows leads to Miss Abrielle’s house – he knows because he was running away from it with Rey less than a month ago.

He approaches the faded doorway and walks in without knocking. Kit is sitting on the floor by the fireplace with his knees drawn up to his chest. He looks pale and lost. He regards Kylo standing in his doorway with wide, confused eyes, and hurries to stand to face his Master.

“I’m sorry I didn’t – ”

“Come with me,” Kylo says, turns around, and goes back out the door.

Kit follows after him.

“My grandmother doesn’t want me to train today…”

“You must,” Kylo says sternly.

Kylo leads him, not to the training arena, but back towards the cottage, past the trees, and to the beach.

“It’s time to meditate,” says Kylo, pointing toward the ocean. “Now.”

Kit sighs and slumps over to Kylo’s side. He kicks off his haggard shoes and steps into the water. He looks down and watches the water swirl around his legs. He takes three sad sniffs and turns to Kylo.

“I don’t think I can, Master.”

Kylo fights his temper and tries to not scare the boy, but he’s pacing along the sand and Kit’s eyes start to grow and panic. Kylo stops and holds his hand out beckoning him closer.

“Come here, then.”

Kit stands before him and looks down. Kylo grabs his chin and makes him look at him.

“I’m concerned about the affect this news has had on you,” Kylo says. “I’m having trouble sensing anything in you. You’re blocking me, and I would like you to stop.”

Kit backs away and his face scrunches up. He sniffs again and tries to walk away.

“Kit,” Kylo says. “Do as I say.”

Kit takes several short breaths and closes his eyes. Kylo reaches into his mind, wading around, looking for something very particular. He’s searching for darkness. He’s sure it’s there. The child is parentless. The child is alone. An attachment has been severed in the most terrible way. Kylo doesn’t know why it’s so important; he doesn’t care to, but he needs to find that darkness inside him.

It’s not there.

The boy is in pain, staggering, all consuming pain – and, like the anger Kylo has sensed before, it flows through him fluidly. The Force, the light – it protects him. Anger and suffering is filtered out from the rest; his light and his heart are separate and intact.

Kit thinks of rising up against his captors in Canto Bight and all who are responsible for both his parents’ deaths, and finally liberate himself and his friends. His determination doesn’t come from a place of anger or revenge; it comes from a place of love. For all his rough edges, this boy is abundantly rich with love.

Kit’s thoughts of his grandmother are tender and protective, his thoughts of his neighbors are loyal and compassionate, but his thoughts of strangers, of other people like him who need saving – that’s the most powerful love of all. It’s humanity.

“I’m – sorry,” says Kylo, pulling back from his mind. Kit winces at the intrusion and his lip begins to tremble. “I shouldn’t have…forgive me.”

Kit looks down as if that will hide the tears falling down his face. Kylo kneels down; his knees submerge in water and he places his hands on the sides of the boy’s shoulders.

“You’re not temped by the darkness, are you?” Kylo asks softly.

Kit’s eyes rise to Kylo’s. “I only feel it when I’m afraid.”

Kylo nods.

“I-I’m sorry, Master,” Kit says. “I failed you somehow – ”

“No…no you haven’t. I thought – I feared darkness would take you away.”

“I’m not going anywhere!” Kit’s voice rises and there’s that hard, determined look again.

“I can see that. You’re a greater man than I.”

Kit swipes at his cheeks and stands straight.

Kylo stares at this child as a burdensome dread falls over his shoulders. Kit’s made of different stuff than him. This boy will know peace someday. He’ll get what he’s looking for. When the time comes, he’ll be able to do what it takes, make the right decisions.

Kylo stands and leads Kit back to the cottage with his hand on his back.

Rey meets them at the door, her expression concerned.

“I’ve been looking all over…” she says.

She takes one look at Kit and he bursts into tears. She reaches for him and draws him close, then looks around at Kylo. He shakes his head; his lips tight, and pushes past the front door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to say a huge thank you to those who have commented and left kudos. Each and every one means the absolute world to me <3
> 
> I believe we've reached the half way mark of this story :)


	16. Darkness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This chapter is dark and contains elements of self-harm. Bear with me guys, I promise everything will turn out okay in the end...

Kylo walks along the beach toward the cliff Rey always goes to in the evenings. His anger returns like an old friend, it’s raw and mean and unlike anything people like Kit or Rey are capable of feeling. He should never have agreed to this. Coming to this planet, training a student, any of it. A fresh strand of irritation lashes out at Rey. She’s the one who asks so much of him.

He punches his fist into the rock face and a chunk of it crumbles and falls into the water. Rey should have been training that kid. Kylo’s done nothing but confuse him. He thought he saw a bit of himself in Kit, but Kit’s just further proof that it was never the circumstances that lead him to the darkside…there’s just something fundamentally wrong with him.

He climbs up to the top of the cliff where the stone is smooth and flat. He sits and faces the ocean. The suns are low in the sky; great shadows are cast along the beach. Without thinking he engages his lightsaber and holds it out in front of him. The blade crackles achingly bright against the black waters, and the darkside of the Force winds around it like a serpent, crawling along the hilt and onto his arm, slithering around his body until he’s bound as though by ropes. For the first time in a long time Kylo feels real fear.

The Force speaks in whispers; the same chilling rasp Snoke once used all those years ago. Without thinking he brings the cross blade down against his forearm. It sizzles for a second and he lifts it, leaving behind a charred and ugly gash. His lips part and he stares at it as fear clutches his chest. It’s punishment. He is deserving of pain, of ugliness. But the darkside is merciful; it couldn’t stay angry with him for long.

He exhales thickly and shakes the sleeve of his robe down to cover the gash. He retracts his lightsaber and casts it over the cliff where it lands upright in the sand.

He puts his head between his legs and grips his hair. The darkness is ecstatic, it floods in eagerly, taking advantage of his weakness, laughing cruelly, cradling him painfully. It uses hands made of nails to pet him, to soothe him. It uses shards of glass to wrap him up in a comforting blanket. It smiles with tar between its teeth; it’s pleased…this is what Kylo’s good at, pleasing the darkness.

He doesn’t belong anywhere near these good people.

“Ben!” calls a voice from below. “Where are you?”

His eyes snap open and he’s seething. He does not want to see her now.

Rey climbs up the rocks and onto her small meditation platform across from Kylo. She can sense a change in him. His eyes won’t meet hers. They’re dark and sinister behind the thick strands of hair that fall in his face.

“Ben…” she says, carefully.

He flinches at his name.

Rey takes a breath and tries to steady her beating heart. He’s a time bomb – if she says or does the wrong thing…

“Will you tell me what’s wrong?”

“No,” he says.

She exhales and props her chin on her fist. She watches the glow of the missing suns withdraw into the dark horizon. The stars begin to poke out. She’s reminded of better days when Kylo would smile, not glare at her under the stars.

“I wish you’d talk to me,” she says.

He’s silent for another minute and then he blinks and turns to her.

“You should have joined me,” he says in a low voice.

Rey gapes at him. “Join you? Like on the darkside? You can’t be serious.”

He resumes looking ahead toward the ocean.

“Have you not been enjoying your time here with me?” Rey asks with a trace of sarcasm. “Friendship, happiness, kindness…has that been unpleasant?”

“Don’t,” Kylo snaps. “Those things aren’t the lightside. They’re because of you. It’s all you.”

“And you don’t think that would be snuffed out the moment I join the dark?”

“No, I don’t,” says Kylo, sitting up and facing her. “We could have made the Order better, stronger. Turn its reputation. Make the galaxy a place people want to be apart of – where they can get what they want.”

“Not everyone should get what they want…”

“We could even continue training students,” Kylo continues as if she hadn’t spoken. “Not as Jedi or Sith – as Force users. The texts even speak of the middle ground, the gray. We could have brought everyone together as one.”

His eyes are glazed over as he imagines this scenario, Rey by his side with their fleet of darkness before them. Rey stares at him in horror. He really believes all this.

Rey’s voice is soft and clear as she says, “Are you aware of the magnitude of the First Order’s destruction? Do you know how far their cruelty reaches? It’s because of them that Unkar Plutt has the reign he has on Jakku. Why I lived my life starving alone. It’s because of them that slavery is permitted across the galaxy. These children here, Kit…The First Order’s the reason they can be treated this way. They’re responsible for so much misery, and – ”

“You keep saying ‘they’.” Kylo has an ugly sneer on his face. “Don’t you mean ‘you’?”

Rey loses her temper, it spikes hot in her cheeks. He’s pushing her away and she won’t play his games.

“Good, decent people are struggling for their lives,” she shouts. “And cruel, power-hungry monsters are in power. Kids who can barely walk are taken from their families to be apart of _your_ stormtrooper program. My friend was taken from his family to be apart of that, yet he is strong and dedicated and loyal. _That_ is what resilience means.”

Kylo is simmering with something menacing.

Rey takes a deep breath and lowers her voice. “The light is not a rigid set of rules that demands we don’t feel darkness. The Force asks for _balance_. The gray isn’t balance – it’s chaos. It’s mixing up two entities that shouldn’t be together.”

“Two entities that shouldn’t be together,” he repeats.

Rey has angry tears in her eyes and she strikes a fist against the stone beneath her.

“The light side of the Force…” She pants with emotion. “… _is_ balance. The opposite of the darkside isn’t light…it’s just more darkness. It’s light that’s in the middle, surrounded by everything trying to snuff it out. But the Force won’t ever let that happen. I _know_ you feel that. It’s not about one or the other…we must balance the two within ourselves!”

“Sounds like you have everything all figured out, then.”

Rey’s eyes flash and before she can think she says, “ _Your_ First Order was responsible for Kit’s father’s death. The tally of people you’ve killed is growing ever longer, Kylo Ren, and I think it’s high time you made a choice before I’m killed too.”

She went too far.

His fingers itch at his sides, desiring to bend ever so slightly, to close the Force around her pretty throat. Kylo stands up, moves to the edge of the cliff and swears loudly. Rey is so full of frustration she wants to scream at him. She’s so angry she thinks she might cry, so she spins around and starts to climb down the rock face.

Kylo can see her run away along the shore, her buns bobbing behind her. He shouts and slams his fists to his head.

He drops to his knees, bending over the cliff face. He sees his lightsaber stuck in the sand. He reaches out and pulls it to him. It lands in his hand, backwards, the blade emitter facing his chest. He looks down at it in anguish, his lips trembling, his teeth bared.

His hand starts to shake and he drops it and backs away. The darkside is a thick, pulsing fog around him, but he doesn’t draw strength from it. He’s never felt weaker in his life.

_Make a choice…_ The Force within him speaks to him with his own voice.

He wants to. The light is kind to him, much kinder than he deserves. He could do it. He could do it for Rey… 

He would never belong. He knows if he turns for her, just as he turned to the dark for Snoke, he would be as much a prisoner as he ever was. He’s not worthy of much else, but what would be the point? He can’t make anything right that way.

What if he changed for himself? Find a place he belongs in and grow strong there. There could be hope, he could be different, and maybe Rey would care for him like that. Maybe he could try…

Kylo hangs his head as the darkness closes in on him, strangling him. This monster that growls such a frightening lullaby – it’s not the darkside…it’s him. It takes up so much space, has so much power because of him.

If he goes back, everything he has done will have been a colossal mistake, a crime too terrible to live with. He gave everything to the darkness because he believed it was what was necessary to finish Vader’s legacy. Vader was tempted by the light and chose the light – but if he had stayed strong, not given into sentimentality, he could have been more powerful than anything. He would have been unstoppable.

Kylo doesn’t just want that, he _needs_ it. He’ll be stable. He’ll be whole. Nothing will hurt him because he will be the master of his own destiny.

He has sacrificed too much to back down. It would have all been for naught. He can’t reconcile that. He’s achieved what he set out for – he is Supreme Leader, he has the control. The only reason he’s not free of his pain yet is because he still has a hold on the light, on Rey. But in time, he’ll numb out to feeling and become stronger than anyone could possibly imagine.

It’s the only way. The darkside has set many obstacles in his path and he’s beaten them again and again. He’s getting closer, he just needs to learn control, learn how to command his anger and his hate. It’s the only way he can go. He’ll be rewarded in the end.


	17. Out of Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seriously do not read past the (!!!!!) if you are squeamish ;)

The climate in Cantonica has responded furiously to Rey and Kylo’s new dynamic. The sun’s been a stranger for a full week, the sky is a constant murky, dark gray, and Rey wakes every morning to a violent thunderstorm. Training her students has been difficult considering they can hardly hear her through the wind and most days it is too dangerous to spar with their staffs with the lightning so close.

She returns to the cottage each night with her hair drenched and her clothes damp. She doesn’t think she’s been properly dry in days. She eats minimally, goes to bed early, and keeps herself busy enough to keep her mind occupied.

Rey hasn’t seen Kylo since that day on the beach. Her time on this planet is coming to a close and she never did tell him that while they were speaking. The thought of leaving without reconciling is agony, but even worse is the sinking realization that there may be no reconciliation at all.

The Force tries to connect them from time to time, but Kylo has shut her out completely. Although she can’t see him, she can, however, sense him. That first day apart he was starting to return to the fits of rage he was prone to before their stay in Tanda Lay. But it seems since then, Kylo’s been doing some training of his own.

Despite her best efforts, Rey’s thoughts tend to settle on him during the quiet moments in her day. His presence is full and alive inside her, she feels him as clearly as she ever has. He’s always awake, always training. The darkside grows stronger and deeper within him. It’s festering, supple and pregnant, and resonates around him like the heat of a flame. It’s to the point where even Rey’s students have noticed it even though they don’t understand where it’s coming from, or what it means.

Rey pities Kit most of all. Kit hasn’t seen Kylo either since the day his father died, and it’s been heartbreaking for Rey to witness him fully believing he did something to drive his Master away. The first day Kit went out searching for him, but Kylo can’t be found because he doesn’t want to be. So Kit returned to the training field, jaw set, eyes back to their determined, stoic stare, and resumed training with Rey and the other students.

Rey is having difficulty feeling anything other than anger these days. Her anxiety about returning to the Resistance has fused with her frustration with Kylo. He is selfish and prideful. Things got hard and he just gave up, like a coward.

In the evenings, when she crawls on her cold mattress, her mind shifts against her will from anger and frustration to sadness. Surely she shouldn’t miss what she never had. But she realizes, as she looks up at the moons peaking through the clouds outside her bedroom window, he hasn’t only turned his back on the light, he’s turned his back on her.

The more she checks in with him, his energy, the more she realizes he’s fast accomplishing the ability he’s always coveted. He’s becoming numb. He doesn’t feel things like he used to. Rey, too, feels cold and empty as she accepts that his apathy has made him focused and capable. The darkside is rapturous; Kylo Ren has finally abandoned his resistance.

This means he isn’t thinking of her like she thinks of him. He doesn’t crave her touch. He doesn’t miss her presence in his mind. She’s no longer his confidant, his partner, or his friend. Rey’s tears sting her closed eyes as she misses what she never had: an honest, trustworthy companion.

And now he knows all her weaknesses.

It’s cruel. He’s cruel. Rey is angry with herself for being so careless. If he ever hurts someone she loves, she will have to live with the knowledge that she helped develop his skills, actually gave him new tools that made him even more powerful.

It would be better if she regretted it. But she just can’t get that smile out of her head, the one that would break across his cheeks and reach his eyes. As much as she would like to say he’s been deceptive, cultivating his darkness all along…that, at least, was real.

Poe sent Rey a barely audible transmission earlier in the day saying someone would arrive tomorrow for her. Rey turns her back to the bedroom window and thinks about how systematic and regulated her day had been. She had a meeting with her students and their guardians. It’s all sorted out which of them are coming with her to fight with the Resistance, and she’s said her goodbyes to the others.

She’s packed her things, including the Jedi texts, which now live at the bottom of her bag, where they can’t remind her of better times. She’s walked along the shore one last time. She’s enjoyed a farewell supper with the villagers.

And now she’s alone, again, and the room feels unusually dark and cold. She’s starting to feel sick. They were so close – they missed the mark by nanometers. And she doesn’t even understand why.

Realizing she’s not going to sleep tonight, Rey stands up, puts on tomorrow’s Jedi robes, and goes outside for a walk.

 

Kylo, too, is outside this night. He’s been standing under the double moons for most of the evening. He senses Rey is distressed, anticipating something, but he can’t seem to figure out what. He doesn’t have the ease of access into her mind like before.

His mind is clear and focused. Every day he grows stronger. He’s learned to remove disturbing thoughts entirely from his consciousness. He’s never felt more stable.

This is the version of himself he always aspired to be. He feels confident and capable at last. Any occasional pangs of guilt or regret are quickly burned away by the darkside of the Force, which is finally starting to bend to his will.

He walks beneath the trees next to the training grounds. Rey is somewhere close – he can feel it. She hasn’t been this close to him in over a week. At last he sees her up ahead. She’s wandering, her silhouette is slender and graceful, the shape of her head and buns contrast against the moonlit sky. He considers turning around, but he’s never been good at staying away.

As he steps closer to her, he is pleasantly surprised that it’s not so hard to be near her. He feared her presence would be tempting, but it’s remarkably easy to stand so close. They are two entities that shouldn’t be together. Physical proximity was never the problem.

They are nothing like each other, Kylo thinks. They have nothing but memories in common. There’s sick sort of acceptance in his brain now.

Rey sees him standing in the shadows. Her heart is so tired that she doesn’t really react. It’s a burdensome resignation, but one she’s accepted. That man standing across the field is not the Ben she had known. It doesn’t matter who that is. Not anymore.

They both continue to stroll, gravitating towards each other in a gradual, roundabout fashion. They meet in the middle, under a large tree with thick surface roots that stretch out like veins in the ground. Rey leans up against the trunk and looks at him, somber and tired.

Kylo situates himself to stand nearby, his boots apart, his hands linked behind his back, and looks upward toward the sky with ease. Rey wishes she didn’t notice how incredibly handsome he looks in the moonlight, with his dark hair falling around his face and his black garments outlining the strong shape of his back and chest. His eyes reflect the red moon and his face is still and mellow.

For all the pain and suffering and death and implications of where his path will lead him, Rey cannot deny…he wears the darkside beautifully. She admires him in peace without thinking about anything at all. The stillness and silence of the night are soothing.

Kylo turns to her and meets her eyes. How is it that her lips pout like that when she isn’t talking? The shape of her mouth remains delicate and enticing even with her melancholy expression. Her presence rests against his mind, calm at last, resigned to be separate but touching.

The Force doesn’t connect them; they draw power from different sources now. Something else connects them. Something, if possible, even stronger. Kylo isn’t angry. He isn’t tormented. He sees only Rey before him, without strings, without baggage. And she is very beautiful.

Rey’s lips part as he steps toward her, his size blocking out the moons as he stands tall before her. She blinks at his chest and her eyes slowly travel up to his face. Her heart is calm and stable, a terrible irony in the face of everything else falling apart.

It’s incredible that they should both be so accepting of their fate, their destruction. But neither feels remorse in this moment. There’s no tension, no anticipation, only unadulterated acceptance.

It isn’t clear who reaches to the other first, but one moment they stand facing each other, the night breeze brushing their hair and clothes, and the next, they are pressed together, chest to chest, hips to hips, arms entwined and kissing like they’ve done nothing else in their lives.

The kiss only lasts a minute before they break apart and grasp on to each other; Rey’s face pressed against his shoulder, Kylo’s chin on her head. They both close their eyes. It’s synchronic they way they move identically together. They separate after a while and resume their kiss, exploring each other’s mouths, losing themselves in time.

!!!!!!!

 

Kylo backs her up against the giant tree and pushes her shoulders back so he can take a good, hard look at her before lifting her shirt off with ferocity and impatience, like it had somehow offended him.

Rey pushes her hands under his robe, moving it off his shoulders – he pulls his arms out and grabs the rest of the fabric in his fist and throws it to the ground. He cups her jaw with both hands and practically devours her with long, hot kisses. Rey reaches for his belt and starts to unfasten it. Kylo pushes her back against the tree and undresses himself.

His aggression in this way is soul-splittingly attractive. Rey pants in the cool air as he shoves down the thin fabric of her trousers and thrusts inside her in a matter of seconds. She cries out as she’s suddenly filled up, her muscles contract against him and he makes some low, guttural noise that earns him a painful pull of his hair.

He moves against her hips with deep, rough thrusts. Rey’s mouth is open in both surprise and pleasure, her nails dig into his arms and he lifts both her legs up higher.     

The bark is scraping Rey’s back and pain has never felt more sensual. She reaches her hand between them and curls her thumb and pointer finger around his length, applying more pressure to him at her entrance.

Kylo starts coughing in spasms of pleasure – exactly what Rey was hoping for as the sound of it sends her over a cliff and she finds the start of her orgasm waiting for her. He’s holding her legs at his waist, supporting her lower back with one strong hand. He pushes in and holds his position, then slowly grinds into her.

Rey makes a noise like she’s about to scream and swallows it. Kylo shoots her a look of wild disapproval.

“I want to hear you,” he scolds. “Don’t you dare tame yourself around me.”

He thrusts forward again, hitting deep inside her and she retracts a bit. That hurt in a weird, achy kind of way and she’s equally aroused and pissed the fuck off.

She lifts herself up using the Force against the tree and pushes herself away from him. He falls out of her and his eyes turn black as he moves toward her again. She uses both hands to shove his shoulders and pivots around so he is the one pushed against the tree. His eyes are wide as she holds his arms up by his face and plants them against the trunk while kissing him fervently. She bites his lip hard and he growls and thrusts his tongue in her mouth. She climbs back on him and he reenters her with a loud groan from each of them.

That spot of pleasure is closer inside Rey, she moves against him hard and quick, trying to reel it in. She leans in close to his ear and moans loud and amorously. Her moan becomes his as he clutches her against him.

He’s moving with quick little jabs that unravel Rey one thrust at a time. She’s acutely aware of his strength as he balances her on top of him, his arm muscles strain and she can feel them rock hard against her legs.

The darkside is abundant in him, yet somehow Rey isn’t afraid of it. He is still her Ben, multifaceted as he is. And not one single version of him would ever hurt her.

He begins to pant as the hot, wet clamping around him starts to feel more like fever and ecstasy… and a blinding storm of pleasure tries to break free.

He’s close, and the knowledge of this teleports Rey to the brink of her orgasm – she wines and drags her teeth over his skin, curling her stomach tightly to reach an impeccable position – her ab muscles start shaking with the strength to maintain it, while inside she explodes with hot, melting, glorious pleasure.

She cries out in a shaky, overwhelmed voice and Kylo doesn’t last long after that. In a quick motion he swivels her around again and pushes her back up against the tree, shuddering against her as pulses and pulls of electricity shoot down his core. Due to their slanted position his seed starts to leak from her already, and the warmth of it gives Rey another burst and swell that reaches all the way to the tips of her fingers.

Kylo would have liked to hold her there for a while longer, forever if he could manage it, but his strength leaves with his release so he carefully sets her down.

Rey doesn’t know if she’ll ever catch her breath but she doesn’t care. She lets her back slide down the trunk and she sits on a root, leaning back, staring at the stars above as her eyes throb. Kylo joins her on the ground, taking gulps of air as sweat runs down his face.

He slides a little farther down than Rey, so that her head is a bit higher than his. He utters a weak chuckle and lets his head fall against her shoulder. She looks down at his hair falling over her chest.

Minutes pass and the moonlight brightens. It’s nearly as bright as daylight on the lush silver-green field. Rey’s mind remains mercifully empty as she sits with the aftershock of her orgasm. Her arm is warm where Kylo rests. She’s determined to fix the feeling of it in her memory forever.

Several more minutes, or maybe an hour passes before at last Kylo moves to get up. His face is impassive as he dresses and he decidedly does not look her in the eyes. He gathers up her clothes and places them in her lap. Still avoiding eye contact he kisses the top of her head for five long seconds and then rises to go.

“Ben,” Rey says to his back. He stops and turns his head halfway, still not meeting her eyes.

Rey takes a deep breath, her heart lurches but she ignores everything it’s trying to tell her.

“Goodbye,” she says softly.

Kylo pauses for a moment. Eventually he simply says, “Goodnight, Rey,” and continues walking away.

Rey watches him turn to a silhouette against the eerie bright field and then disappear as he blends in with the black horizon.


	18. Hell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is so full of feels I can't...

Kylo wakes the next morning in his leaky, makeshift tent shivering to the bone. He’s welcomed to consciousness with a terrible ache in his heart and a gripping pressure around his lungs. He sits up quickly and dips under the tent to stand in the pink dawn.

The rain seems to have subsided, though the ground is wet and cold. Kylo draws his cloak around him and paces around, trying to warm up. He hears a rustle in the bushes and then the squat shape of Miss Abrielle wearing a large poncho appears in the clearing. Why on this miserable planet is she here?

He stands frozen in place until she walks all the way to him. It occurs to him when she finally stops in front of him, panting and clutching her chest, that he could have met her in the middle. She was the last person he would expect to find him out here.

Miss Abrielle regards him with the same distain as always, but there’s something sympathetic in her beady eyes as she sighs, shakes her head in disapproval, and reaches inside the basket over her arm.

She produces a loaf of bread, fresh as always, and hands it to him. Kylo takes it from her, speechless.

“My boy is leaving today,” says Miss Abrielle thickly. “And though I can’t fathom why, he’s always held you in the highest esteem. I will continue bringing you breakfast for as long as I can find you. Have a pleasant day.”

She turns but Kylo stops her with a firm pinch on the shoulder.

“What do you mean he’s leaving today? He’s not returning to Canto Bight…?”

“Why, no, of course not,” she says with a crease between her eyes. “He’s going with Master Rey, to join the Resistance.”

Kylo feels as though his lungs have collapsed. Miss Abrielle pulls back her head and surveys him through her spectacles.

“Surely you knew that…”

Kylo doesn’t respond. His ability to desensitize his feelings snaps away like a broken tree branch. He turns his head in the direction of Tanda Lay.

“Well, you’d better hurry,” says Miss Abrielle with a flick of her wrist. “I’m sure they’re taking off any minute.”

Kylo turns to her, hesitates for half a heartbeat, and then takes off through the trees. He rushes through, managing to jump over roots and small bushes without falling. He pushes out of the forest and onto the faded path that leads to town. He assumes they would be where he and Rey landed their ship, on the eastern edge of town. He doesn’t have to run far to discover he was right.

He crests a small hill overlooking Tanda Lay’s entrance, and parked there, gigantic next to the town’s undersized structures, is the Millennium Falcon. Kylo feels like needles are pricking him from inside, but he walks down the hill toward it as though in a trance.

A crowd of villagers is dissipating back toward town. The last of Rey’s students have boarded the ship. Kit is last onboard. Kylo can see him pacing on the platform outside the ship.

Kit does a double take as he scans the distance and sees the shadow of his old master. Kylo turns around immediately and begins to walk away. Kylo can hear the boy’s footsteps through the hard sand as he catches up to him.

“Master!” Kit calls.

Kylo stops and closes his eyes for a second before turning to face him.

“Where have you been?” Kit exclaims. “You almost missed takeoff.”

Kylo doesn’t answer right away. The boy’s face is unusually expressive. He looks to Kylo with eyes that are too innocent to meet.

“Better get on that ship before they leave without you.”

When Kit opens his mouth to protest, Kylo says, “I’m not coming with you.”

“Th-the Resistance needs help!” Kit cries. “Shouldn’t you be there?” His eyebrows are a straight line. “You should be there.”

A jolt of desperation and rage grabs Kylo by the throat. He turns around and heads back toward the hill.

“I deserve a reason!” Kit yells, jogging after him. “Why have you abandoned us?”

Kylo keeps walking. Kit halts in his tracks.

“Master!” His voice breaks as he calls after him.

Kylo stops and it is torture inside his mind. He turns around. Kit’s lips are pressed together in a heartbreaking frown. And his eyes…Kylo wishes to never see eyes like that for the rest of his life. They’re wide, fearful, confused – the eyes of a boy who has been let down. Kylo knows them well.

“Why?” Kit repeats, his voice weak and brittle.

“I think you know.”

Kit stares at him, his mouth formed in sorrow.

“Search your feelings,” says Kylo. “You know.”

Kit swallows. “The…the darkside. You…you…”

Kylo nods once and sets his jaw. He turns away again but Kit steps forward.

“You tricked us!” he shouts. “You betrayed us!”

“Now you know,” says Kylo. “Go back to the ship.”

A tangle of anger and sadness rages inside Kit. He breathes heavily through his nose as he presses his lips together and stares disbelievingly at his old teacher.

Kylo takes a threatening step toward him. “Leave me, kid. I can’t make myself plainer.”

Kit backs away, runs backward several paces, and then turns to scramble back on the platform. He turns to look over his shoulder and steps into Rey, who was coming out to check on him.

She and Kylo lock eyes and Kylo suddenly feels very heavy. Coming here was a mistake. A feeling verging on hatred begins to surface.

Rey’s expression doesn’t change when she sees him. Kit goes back inside and Rey turns to follow him.

“LIAR!”

Rey looks around and Kylo’s walking toward her, his face livid. He engages his lightsaber and stops when the sagebrush ends, about twenty feet from the platform. Rey glares at him. She marches down the runner and steps right in front of his blade, the harsh red flickering in her eyes.

“What are you doing here?” she spits.

“You – ” Kylo can hardly speak through his anger. “You said – you said you’d never ask me to change.”

Rey can’t talk to him when he’s this unstable. She’s tired. She wants to go back home.

“I don’t want you to change,” she says, tight-lipped. “I want you to be who you really are.”

She takes a step forward and Kylo raises his lightsaber higher; it’s inches from her nose. Rey stops. Her face is hard as she takes out her saberstaff and strikes the top half to life, golden and powerful.           

She knocks his blade away from her face and snarls. The red and gold energy crackles near the ground.

“Is this what you want?” she shouts. “Take each other down, here and now?”

He exhales a sharp hiss and retracts his lightsaber. Cruelly, she sends him memories of their time in Tanda Lay through the bond. It’s incredible how reminders of happiness seer into him like a hot knife.

“It’s not worth it!” he bellows. “It’s been hell for me here!”

He paces across a several foot span and tries to reign in his rage. What’s left of his control is slipping.

He stops, facing her, and asks, “Have you forgotten everything I’ve done?”

“I don’t know what you’re trying to get from this, Kylo. Why are you here? I didn’t ask you to do anything.”

Her words hit him in the throat and he chokes. He takes a heavy breath.

“There’s no place for us,” he says. “I can’t be anywhere close to you and live with what I’ve done. This isn’t going to change. That kid is living proof…I’m a failure, weak, incapable…You’re both better – ”

“So you no longer care for me?” Rey throws this at him with venom.

Kylo feels like his ribs are breaking from the tension in his chest. He says, “Maybe it was okay for you to be here all this time with me, ignoring the truth. But it was hell for me. I can’t go on like this. I can’t take it.”

Rey has a stroke of clarity as she watches his unrecognizable eyes glare hatefully at her. The darkside isn’t aiding him…he’s fighting it, and doesn’t even realize he’s doing so.

“I don’t have time for this, Ben or Kylo or whoever you are.” Rey fastens her lightsaber back on her belt. “I need to go, everyone’s waiting.”

Kylo tenses, trying to find something biting to say, and turns on his heel and storms off toward the hill again.

Rey watches him go with a painful lump in her throat. She nods to herself and tries to breathe through her nose. She can do this. She did her best to help him, but she’s not responsible for anything he choses to be. He needs to grow up; he’s so unbecoming like this. Especially when she knows how brilliant he can be, how strong and courageous, even loving.

Her throat feels so raw she knows if she lets herself speak or even swallow she’ll dissolve into tears. Leia told her to let him go. Her last dying command was to absolve Rey of some of the guilt Leia must have known she carried. Let him go.

“Let him go,” Rey whispers and walks onto the Falcon’s platform and enters the ship.

 

Kylo doesn’t know what to do. Seeing her again, the feel of her presence, it’s taking him over. He knows he’ll make it okay if he could just get rid of her. He can’t go back to the guilt and regret. That’s where she’ll lead him.

He thinks of when she first allowed him back in her mind, the light inside him that she touched, which only opened him up to despair. Learning from the Jedi texts with her – he felt apart of something positive again, like he had a partner, a companion. But they revealed horrible visions highlighting his mistakes and failings, scraping them along his body like razor blades. Every step he takes toward Rey is a step toward the guilt of his crimes.

Rey brings him pain. He can’t feel like that anymore. He can’t take it. His body will tear apart and then won’t even have the courtesy of killing him. He can’t choose a path like that. Rey has to understand. He knows she doesn’t like seeing him miserable. She’ll understand why he can’t come with her. It will all make sense in the end. It’s tragic…but she came into his life too late.

He isn’t aware of the direction he’s going until he realizes he’s circled back toward the ship. Rey’s not there. She’s already boarded…

He panics; his body is pulled in two different directions as he actually considers the idea of running up that platform and barging onto the Falcon. Why did it have to be that ship? Couldn’t the Resistance have picked her up in something else?

He steps toward the platform, feeling nauseous. Bile is rising in his throat. He doesn’t want her to leave like this, but he might actually become ill if he enters that ship, sees everything inside, smells the metal and oil, and finds Chewie, sitting there in the copilot seat…

He retches and turns away from the ship. He takes a few steps away, trying not to throw up or cry. Rey’s absence is already aching inside him. What can he do?

A soft guttural sound speaks behind him. His heart jumps into his throat and he freezes.

Chewie speaks his name again. Kylo turns around, his hands shaking at his sides.

Chewie is standing on the platform, weaponless, his head cocked to the side. He speaks again, walking toward Kylo.

No. No. Kylo shakes his head over and over, hot, shameful tears tracing down his face and neck. Chewie doesn’t stop. He goes right up to him and wraps his large, fluffy arms around him.

Kylo is biting his lip so hard he tastes blood. His arms are numb and aching. Death is surely more painless than this.

“He says he loves you,” says Rey, who is now standing on the platform.

Chewie steps away and goes back to her.

Kylo stands slouched over, like the weight of all this has broken his core and any moment he’ll topple to the ground. “I know what he said.”

Rey walks down and stops in front of him, wiping under her eyes. Kylo looks at her kind, beautiful eyes full of tears. It seems to save himself he has to break her down instead. Transfer his pain to her. He will go on and feel nothing while she has to feel everything.

He steps toward her and lifts her chin up to look at him. This is the final test. The greatest task the darkside has presented him. To move forward, to realize his goal, Rey cannot live. He’s always known this. He thought there could be a way around it, if she joined him. But she won’t. She never will. So there’s the answer, right in front of him.

He looks at her gentle face, her wet eyelashes blinking at him, her lips, that little nose, the locks of hair that fall around her face. Killing her is impossible. Impossible.

“Rey,” he chokes. “Tell me what to do. What can I do?”

He pulls her close to him, cradles her head against his shoulder, and breathes in the light spice of her hair. Her body’s shaking, she’s sobbing quietly, holding him around his waist.

“I don’t know,” her muffled voice tells him. “I wish I could take it away for you.”

This touches him square in the heart. No one’s ever said that to him before. He holds her tighter, afraid she might disappear if he lets go.

He has to be brave. He has to try.

“Rey,” he whispers into her hair, above her ear. “Don’t cry anymore. I’ll do it. I’ll turn. But I…I’m going to need your help.”

Rey lets out a pitiful sob and squeezes him tighter.

A paralyzing fear takes him over as he realizes what he’s just said. He already regrets it. He begins to see stars. Her hold on him is suffocating. He can’t do this. He draws back and steps away, trying not to panic.

He glances at her, expecting a hopeful smile that he won’t be able to tolerate. But instead, her frown is both sympathetic and concerned. She doesn’t try to reach out to him again. She gives him space.

“I’ll help you,” she says. “But before anything else I need you to trust me. I won’t abandon you. I won’t give up, no matter how hard this becomes. Do you believe me?”

He doesn’t believe her, but he nods. She means what she says. He makes a mental note to remember that when this all goes to hell.


	19. Steps

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today's my birthday!! Thanks for reading everyone; your support is the best present I could ask for :)

Kylo opens the cottage door on the crisp, cool morning to collect his loaf of bread from the basket. He feels like he’s recovering from a fever. His stomach isn’t quite right, his heart rate is elevated, and he feels perpetually dizzy. The cottage isn’t the same without Rey. It’s rather plain, gray, and empty; no fresh flowers or open windows.

It’s warmer inside but he’s already starting to feel claustrophobic. It’s quiet in an empty kind of way. Kylo doesn’t think he can be alone here. After breakfast he throws on his robes and opens the back door. He looks back at his lightsaber on the table and decides to leave it. Instead, he takes a pack and loads up the Jedi texts Rey left for him, along with everything else on his bookshelf.

He walks along the shore, but it’s too cold out to step in the water. He makes for the cliff where Rey used to meditate and climbs up the rocks to face the ocean. He takes out every book and surrounds himself with them, sitting cross-legged on the smooth stone.

“Come with us,” Rey had said.

Maybe he should have. She’s much more inspirational than a cold, lonely cottage and a pile of old books.

The Force nudges him softly in a strange, reassuring way. He closes his eyes and tries to grab on. He hasn’t meditated in years. It’s not a friendly feeling. He knows the training; all that old knowledge is still there. But connecting to something so far removed from him seems next to impossible. It’s like being asked to stand without any legs. He remembers how it works, but it doesn’t mean he can do it.

He shakes his head and squeezes his eyes tighter. This is going to require patience. One step at a time. He tries to relax the tension in his shoulders. He lets his mind wander where it will. Relinquishing control is essential.

“If your sure…” she had said. “I wish I could stay with you.”

Rey could never understand how important it is that she not be his tether. Attachment won’t serve either of them. This is his task alone.

It feels like the darkside has made a home in his very blood, like a pest moving into an abandoned structure. The light burns above him, just beyond his grasp. As Rey once said, the two need to be balanced within him. The Force controls destiny, but he is in charge of choice, something he’s never been good at.

How is he going to be able to trust himself to make the necessary judgments? Playing hero isn’t so easy once you’ve been the villain. Has anyone ever actually turned from the darkside? Kylo can’t think of anyone. His grandfather doesn’t count. He didn’t live long enough to have to deal with the consequences.

It’s as though there’s black tar coated on his mind that he can’t seem to scrub off. The task seems too large to reckon with. He forces himself to take a deep breath. One step at a time.

That gives him an idea. He looks at the books around him. With a cringe instead of a heartbeat, he reaches for _Leadership: A Brief History & Guide to Chandrila Politics. _He opens the cover and turns to the first page where his mother’s curvy handwriting spells her name.

He swallows and flips through the pages, hundreds at a time, until he reaches the back binding. The end of the last sentence of the book: “ _makes all the difference.”_ , is on the top of the last page. The rest of the page is blank. He pulls out a calligraphy pen from his bag. He doesn’t know why his hand is shaking, but he forces himself to dip the pen in ink and rest the tip on the page, just underneath the printed sentence.  

He takes a deep breath and writes: _Step One: No anger. No hate._

There. He puts the pen down and looks at his work. No problem. And he’ll go ahead and remove an arm while he’s at it.

He’s tempted to throw the book off the cliff into the freezing waves. His vision blurs as he tries to concentrate. It’s taken all he has to sit up here and do nothing, let alone work on meditating.

Let go of anger. It’s not so simple as that but there is a way. The boy…Kit, he managed it beautifully. Kylo thinks of him as he’s distracted by the white waves below. It’s the highest compliment when a padawan teaches the master, even unintentionally. It means he’s exceeded him, at least in some way, and that’s, of course, the goal. For a Jedi anyway.

Young Kit. He’s strong, sensitive, brave, noble, dedicated. He reacts appropriately to his surroundings. Sad things make him cry. Angry things make him scream and punch. Happy things make him smile and laugh. It’s agonizingly simple. The Force doesn’t interfere with his emotions. It supports him, builds him up, but in the end, _Kit_ is the point of strength.

Kylo cringes at the intrusive pang of jealousy and the gnawing sense of inadequacy. He’s never been able to use the light side like everyone else. The dark was something he was good at, and now he can’t even have that. Anger digs inside his guts and he tries to push it away, push it up and out of him, let it go. He lets out a harsh grunt of frustration.

He closes his eyes, tries to let his mind wander. He’s clenching his abs like it will keep his anger from surfacing. He’ll never be able to relax like this.

“We’ll see each other again soon,” Rey had said.

He wishes that could be now.

The tightness in his abs is starting to make him feel nauseous. His deep breathing is a bit more like hyperventilating. The urge to chuck each and every one of these books over the cliff returns with ferocity.

Then something strange happens. If Kylo didn’t know better, he would say it was like the Force has taken pity on him. He feels an energy wrap around his torso, like an electric hug. It’s not quite a physical sensation, but similar to the way a harsh word cuts into you or a compliment touches you.

The Force is nudging him to relax his abs. Kylo obeys and waits for the rage to spiral out of control. The energy is gentle. It doesn’t want him to fight it. It’s somehow giving him permission to feel angry.

Kylo has to open his eyes to make sure he’s not falling. He places his hands on the flat stone to steady himself. The energy wisps away.

He thinks maybe he just did it. For a moment he was connected to the Force in meditation. He could feel it apart of him. It’s a foreign, but tremendously powerful feeling. Though not very safe.

He picks up the closest Jedi text and begins to read.

The day drags on and every ancient text is open and sprawled around him. He forgets all his meals and before long, the evening light is pulling away from the pages he’s reading. There are two more lines added to the last page of his mother’s old book.

_Step Two: Balance requires connection not destruction._

_Step Three: The Force only resists when it is being manipulated._      

Once it becomes too dim to read, weariness hits Kylo like he crashed into a glass wall. He collects the books and pen back in his bag and climbs back down to the beach. His senses aren’t working properly; he doesn’t hear the waves next to him as he walks back to the cottage, his vision is tunneling, and he hardly feels the chilly wind on his face.

At least he is so tired he can’t think about much anymore. The only faint thought he has as he climbs in bed is of Rey. In a stronger state of mind, he might not admit it, but he misses her. The bed is rather cold without her in it.

***

“If you would accompany me to the briefing room,” says the droid, gesturing down the hall. “General Dameron will be in shortly.”

Rey enters the office the droid opens for her and sits on the hard metal bench, looking around the room. It’s white washed, over-clean, plain, and boring – not at all like her cottage on Cantonica.

She’s thinking she’s just about fed up and done with finding herself alone all the time when she hears a quick rap, and the metal door slides open.

“Finn!”

Finn greets her with a smile as Rey slams into him.

“They told me you were here,” he says, hugging her close. “Is everything okay?”

Rey doesn’t want to let go of him. She can’t stop smiling.

“Yes, yes, I’m fine!”

She takes his hand and brings him to the bench with her. “I’ve brought back another batch of Jedi students. But I want to hear about everything that’s been going on with you here.”

“Rey!”

Poe is standing in the doorframe, a wide, charming smile on his face and his arms outstretched. Rey hops up and accepts his hug.

“Here, sit in my chair,” says Poe, dragging out a padded chair from under the desk. “You’ve been roughing it in slave slums, haven’t you?”

“I don’t mind,” says Rey. “It’s really been lovely. I know you’ll be happy with the new recruits – I have so much to tell you about them.”

“I can’t wait to hear,” says Poe, taking a seat next to Finn. “First we need to discuss some things that are a bit time sensitive.”

“The Revolution went well, I hear?” says Rey, plopping in the office chair and swiveling around.

Poe and Finn put their hands to their foreheads.

“It took three full days, but yes, we defeated them,” Finn says.

Poe lets out a long sigh. “Kanjiklub surrendered but then they escaped capture and caused us some trouble. They took down a fair number of Tallians and most of them got away in the end. But the Tallians got their planet back, so we counted our losses.”

“We found a band of stormtroopers, too,” says Finn with a crease in his brow. “We tried to sever their signal but we were too late – they alerted the First Order.”

“So we had to book it out of there. We knew we would be tracked by the TIE fighters there, but at least we had a head start.”

“Hux caught up with us,” Finn says grimly. “It was a rough couple of hours, but we were close enough to our allies in the Encrine system.”

Poe nods. “Together we destroyed three First Order battlecruisers and were able to escape mostly intact. Since then, we’ve been organizing meetings with government officials in various star systems.”

“Most of us split up, tackling different jobs,” Finn cuts in. “Rose is in charge of liberating slaves on First Order Run planets.”

“And Finn’s been leading sneak attacks on known First Order hide outs,” Poe says. “Our progress has been outstanding. You’d never think it, looking back on where we came from.”

“That’s wonderful,” says Rey, beaming at the two of them.

“Siruya Albrawn was named Prime Minister of T’Kal,” Poe continues. “And she has helped us begin the first steps to forming a new Republic. She offered T’Kal’s largest moon as a neutral location for the up and coming Galactic Senate. We’ve already started gathering representatives from the largest sectors. This is tremendous for the Rebellion. Now that we actually have the beginnings of a Senate, we’re accruing supporters faster than we know what to do with.”

“We might just win this, Rey,” says Finn, seriously.

“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves,” says Poe. “We still have our work cut out for us.”

“What can I do?” asks Rey. “Could I join Rose liberating slaves? I’d like to go back to Cantonica and turn that dreadful Canto Bight upside down.”

“Rose would like that,” says Finn.

Poe nods slowly and begins to frown. “Of course, we will make it first priority after we complete our next mission.”

Rey raises her eyebrows. “And what is that?”

“We’re currently on route to Saven, T’Kal’s largest moon.”

“It means ‘hope’ in Tallian,” says Finn. “It was christened yesterday.”

Poe looks seriously at Rey. “We’re going to attend the first Senate meeting of the New Republic.”

“Oh.” Rey looks to each of their faces, wondering why they’re looking at her like that.

“We – I was hoping,” says Poe, “you would join me in addressing the court.”

“What?” Rey sits back in her chair.

“Many have heard of you by now. You’re becoming something of a legend yourself. I think it would be good for people to hear what you’ve got to say. They want to know they’ll be safe if they defy the First Order. They want to know the Force is with them.”

Finn nods. “You’ll be great, Rey.”

“I-I’m not a politician…”

“And I don’t want you to be.” Poe smiles, his eyes sparkling. “The important thing is we gain the people’s trust. No one wants the First Order in power but they also don’t want to fight them if there isn’t something concrete to take its place. The question everyone’s asking is: What role will the Jedi play in the New Republic?”

Rey looks at him expectantly. “And…what role will the Jedi play in the New Republic?”

Poe leans forward and folds his hands over his knee.

He says, “We were going to ask you.”

 

Rey is shown to her quarters that night; the nicest room on the transport. It’s been a long time since Rey has slept on a moving starship. She lies in bed and curls up in a ball, despite the huge space on either side that would probably fit ten of her. She feels something akin to homesickness, although what she’s identifying as home is a bit complex. But for whatever reason, she can’t get the image of her little cottage in Tonda Lay and all its flowers out of her head.

She stares up at the smooth blue ceiling, unable to keep her eyes closed for long. Poe wants her to address the new Senate. She feels simultaneously insignificant and more important than she deserves. What’s a girl from nowhere supposed to say to the galaxy’s future political hierarchy?

Rey has read about the history of the old Jedi counsel from ages past. They served as protectors for democracy. The Senate had means of protecting themselves, an army if it came to it, but they brought in the Jedi to do the extra heavy lifting, particularly if the Sith were involved. Rey thinks of what Luke said to her on Ahch-To. The galaxy has come to revere the Jedi like gods with the power to save or destroy. Is this the image she wants now, after everything?

Is she even the right person to be the face of the Jedi? It doesn’t quite seem right for her to be given the power to influence yet another counsel or whatever part they would play in all this. She isn’t anything more than a lowly scavenger who was in a particular place in a particular time that happened to lead her here. There’s nothing special about her. She has no part in this story, no legacy to uphold.

She feels a comforting nudge from the Force. Maybe that’s precisely why she is the right person. Rey from nowhere, Rey from no one. The symbol for the every-man.

She lets the Force soothe her and settle her nerves. What role will the Jedi play in the New Republic? What role will the Jedi play in the New Republic?        


	20. Call It Life

Kylo realizes he’s been training for almost ten hours straight when the last light of the second sun drags away from the sand into the ocean. He’s been practicing something new from the Jedi texts. It’s a form of meditation in which fortitude of mind is sought simultaneously with sword-work exercises.

His hands are numb from holding his buzzing lightsaber all day. He clips it on his belt and stumbles over to the spot on the beach where he and Rey once looked at the stars. Panting and sweating, he drops down and leans back, stretching the strain on his body. Noise starts to flood back in after the prolonged meditation. Trying not to get swept away from the stimulation, he lets himself hear it, and works on drifting back to a state of calm.

His mind clears much quicker this time. He’s been trying not to fear the troubling thoughts that intrude when he allows himself to think. As expected, though, the ebbs and flows of an uncomfortable feeling begin to surface, a heavy emotion laden with regret and pain. It’s always been there, it’s apart of him at this point, as much as his heart or lungs. But until now he’s worked hard to keep it dormant, numb, or removed entirely.

He tries not to repel it or shove it down. But the longer he rests with it, the worse it hurts. He breathes deeply, trying to keep his heart rate steady. He never expected this to be easy. He doesn’t need this to be easy. He just needs to find a solution.

He pulls his bag to him across the sand and takes out Leia’s book. He turns to the last page. Under his first three steps he writes _Step Four._ He waits a minute, trying to feel the Force for answers. The Light doesn’t answer him like he know it does Rey, but lately there’s been a dim glow somewhere in his mind, like a hot coal in the darkness. It doesn’t ever speak to him, but knowing it’s there brings him some hope.

Bringing pen to paper, he writes two simple words. _Forgive them._

His heart lurches as he reads it. He immediately wants to withdraw. Shred this book into confetti. He tries to pull back that semblance of calm he had connected to.

Everything is so distorted in his memory. It all has a red tinge to it, an adult bias. Han and Leia are more symbols to him these days than actual people. He hardly recognizes them as his parents. Of course they’re only mere ideas, disappointments, and judgments against him. He’s gone to great lengths to sever any attachments he had, hasn’t he?

He feels a strong desire, a need that is coming from inside him, but it’s not quite his own. It’s a sort of desperation to know another side of them. The side everyone in the galaxy saw but him.

He knows Rey found things in his parents that were genuine, human. He knows he himself didn’t always think of them with such distain and contempt. But even now, after hours of meditation, openness to answers and solutions, he can’t connect with whatever it was instead.

_Forgive them,_ says the page on his lap.

How?

He closes his eyes and lets his mind wander, lets it find what’s important and necessary. He feels his and Rey’s bond like a chain tether, always there and waiting. He pulls on it, wading through the space between them, asking for permission, requesting contact…

 

Rey’s been with the Resistance for a month as they drift slowly to T’Kal’s moon, Saven. Poe won’t let them jump to light speed, as the ship still hasn’t fully recovered from their battle with the First Order. He insists they are on a good schedule, and that they can use the time to manage the alliances and away-teams from afar.

Resistance X-wings fly to and from the cruiser as they transport Rey’s Jedi students to and from their missions to neighboring systems. Finn once pointed out that they would probably arrive to Saven faster if they abandoned the cruiser and set off in the X-wings. Poe was in a bad mood after that and asked his engineers to double their efforts in repairing the hyperdrive.

Rey has spent a long day on the bridge organizing tactics with Poe and the other commanders. She gathers her things to leave when the door opens and Kit steps on the deck.

Rey turns to him in surprise. “You’re back!”

Kit becomes shy in front of the commanders staring at him.

“I’m sorry,” he says. “I know you’re busy.”

“That’s okay, I’m leaving now.” She joins him by the door and looks him over, admiring his new Jedi robes. “It’s great to see you.”

Poe steps over and shakes the boy’s hand. “You must be the prodigy Rey’s told me so much about.”

Kit’s usual pale face flushes pink and he looks down.

Poe claps a hand on Rey’s shoulder. “I’ll see you tomorrow, then? Same time.”

Rey nods and leads Kit out into the corridor.

“Is everything alright?” she asks him.

He takes her hand as they walk past the vast wall-sized windows.

“I wanted to see you,” is all he says.

Rey smiles at him.

They’re silent for a while as they look out the windows to the dark expanse of space.

At last Kit says, “Have you heard from him?”

Rey gives him a sideways glance and squeezes his hand. “No, I haven’t.”

Kit frowns, and then says, “I helped bust a slave trade on Tandos. Fifty slaves are flying back to their families now.”

“That’s brilliant, Kit. I’m so proud of you.”

Kit gives a half-hearted smile, which slowly fades away.

Rey peaks at him again. “You miss home, don’t you?”

Kit stops in front of his quarters and stares at the plain metal door.

“I want this,” he says. “I want to help the Resistance. But I guess it’s kind of like I abandoned my people to help others.”

Rey presses the sensor that opens the door. She puts a hand on Kit’s shoulder.

“I promise we’ll go back for them,” she says. “Poe told me we could soon. And I’ll make sure you accompany me when I go. Okay?”

Kit nods.

“Goodnight, darling.”

Kit quickly gives her a one armed hug and goes inside his room. He grins at her before the door closes.

Rey’s heart is heavy as she returns to her quarters. She, too, thinks often of the dear people in Tanda Lay. And of Kylo, who’s still there living in their cottage.

She sits on her bed and faces her great window, looking out to the ink black sky. She thinks it must be because she’s thinking of him, but she can feel Kylo’s presence ebb into her mind for the first time since she rejoined the Resistance. It becomes solid and tangible as she realizes he’s actually reaching out to her, asking for her to respond. She accepts him at once and he materializes in front of her.

With how occupied she’s been almost constantly in their time apart, she wasn’t aware of how much she’s really missed him until now. Surely a month of training can’t have changed his appearance that much, but he looks different somehow, stronger, more built, harsher curves along his muscles. His hair is longer and he looks fresher, clearer, cleaner. Rey can’t quite put a finger on what it is exactly, but it suits him.

She greets him with a smile but he only returns it half-heartedly. He doesn’t say anything, only looks at her like she’s apart of the scenery. Rey realizes he’s horribly pale.

Her smile fades and she asks, “Are you okay?”

Kylo lets the book in his hands drop across his lap so she can see it upside down. She leans forward and reads:

           _Step One: No anger. No hate._

_Step Two: Balance requires connection not destruction._

_Step Three: The Force only resists when it’s being manipulated._

Rey puts a hand over her mouth as a swell of admiration overcomes her. He has really been working on this. That’s the change she’s sensing; the dark isn’t as heavy or burdensome. She’s never sensed this hope, this peace and weightlessness in him before. It takes her breath away.

Then she reads, _Step Four: Forgive them._ Ghost-like memories travel through her mind. There’s small woman with long brown hair. Rey knows he’s thinking of Leia, but it’s all wrong. Where are her big, doe eyes? They’re cold and gray and empty, not at all in her likeness. Or what about the twitch in her mouth that lets you know a joke is at the ready, reminding you not to take things too seriously all the time? And Rey sees Han too, or the back of him, always walking somewhere else in the opposite direction.

Rey looks up from the page to Kylo. He stares back at her with a glare of curiosity.  

He wets his lips, shrugs, and looks down to the page. He says, “I thought maybe you could help.”

Rey crosses her legs and scooches forward so their knees are touching. She presses her mind next to his, like an embrace. She can see him shudder for a second, as though a cold wind had passed. Something in him doesn’t want her to have access to this. Even after everything, he doesn’t want her to know just how much they hurt him, how much power they used to have, how much power he used to allow them to have.

Rey can sense him working to open up that region of his thoughts, letting her see the facts. It’s a chronological diagram of events. No feelings. In his mind, it’s childish to still be hurt by something that was done so long ago. He doesn’t want it to matter anymore.

Rey pushes, a bit harder than he was ready for. He glares at her, but she ignores him. She isn’t any better at working through feelings like this. The thoughts of her own parents still ache terribly in her heart. At least his loved him. He feels like she should be able to relate to him because they were both abandoned in some respect. Rey doesn’t have an answer for that. That’s a hole she doesn’t think will ever be filled. And they might both just have to learn to live with that.

Kylo’s shoulders curve over as he slouches his spine in defeat. Her presence in his mind is starting to acclimate and he decides to stop fighting which parts of him she sees. Despite the intrusion, there’s something comforting about having her there. He doesn’t want to be alone anymore. Rey understands completely, and she nestles herself within his thoughts like she’s been welcomed to tea.

But the moment she makes herself at home, she’s met with a slap of hot anger. It’s jarring, to say the least. Rey grabs onto his lower leg like she’s been nearly bucked off her bed. Kylo meets her with a look that says, “What did you expect?”

She shakes her head and tries to steady herself. She wades around, trying to let the Force guide her through his maze of rage. He’s angry, of course, but it’s very different from what she’s used to. The darkside isn’t fogging up his thoughts. It’s real, valid anger. And shame to follow. Though it doesn’t come from evil, in some ways it’s worse, because it’s actually apart of him. It comes from inside him and nowhere else.  

“Ben,” Rey says carefully.

Kylo starts to pant with the exertion of letting her intrude in this way. He feels horribly vulnerable; it’s making him feel defensive and violent. This is worse, much worse.

“Okay, okay,” he says, straining against the pressure and the pain pulling at him. “Rey, please…”

She eases back and lifts herself out of his mind. He exhales and swallows, trying to put himself back together. He feels raw and open, terribly weak and lost. He puts his hands through his hair on the sides of his forehead, taking in quick sharp breaths. She’s gone from his mind, but it doesn’t make it better. At once, he misses her. For a moment he had a friend inside all that.

Rey uncrosses her legs and climbs on his lap, straddling him, her small hips between his knees, and folds her legs behind his back. Even with him slouched over his torso is much taller than her. She snakes her arms under his and grips his shoulder blades, pressing her chest against his, and nuzzling her face in his neck.

He gives a sort of gasp at this closeness and takes his hands away from his face to wrap them over her arms and back. It seems she needs this contact as much as he does, and somehow that makes him feel better.

They match each other’s breathing and find solace together in silence. Warmth envelops Rey in a way she can never seem find on her own. It goes all the way to her bones. For a moment she forgets that he isn’t actually there with her.

Kylo seems to have given up his earlier quest. Rey can feel his mind empty and throbbing. He doesn’t have the energy to work on anything more. He doesn’t want to absolve himself of his anger right now; it’s too hard and painful.

Rey thinks for a minute, moving her hand in small circles on his back.

“Well,” she says, “maybe you don’t need to.”

“Hm?”

“Maybe it’s okay to react to things that hurt you.”

Kylo sighs. Rey can sense he’s confused and overwhelmed.

“I don’t understand you,” he says.

Rey scrambles to collect her thoughts in a cohesive manner. “I’m trying to say… you’re mad at your parents because they thought you were violent and dark, and then they left you alone to deal with that. You’re mad because they gave up on you…and you’re ashamed because they were right. And because you can’t tell them you’re sorry and ask them to believe in you again. And I guess…that just seems really understandable.”

Kylo is quiet. His thumb rubs softly over her shoulder.

“I’m saying…” Rey leans back to look him in the eyes. “Maybe you can be mad about that still. But maybe you can also forgive them.”

Her words are knives in his gut, but he asked for this. He already feels that volcano of emotion churning inside him. This is exactly what he wanted to avoid. This is the pain he can’t bear. He feels weak and helpless like this.

“I thought…” He clears his throat. “I thought you could tell me about them. The way you knew them.”

Rey looks frightened. She chews on her lip and fumbles with his thin, tan shirt between her finger pads.

“Ben, I…I don’t want to hurt you.”

“You said you’d help even if it was hard, you said – ”

“Okay,” she says quickly. “Okay.”

She draws a deep breath and looks down so as to not see his reaction. He holds her at her hips, waiting.

She says, “I met Han when Finn and I were trying to take BB-8 back to the Resistance. He helped us because we told him the map would lead us to Luke. He thought I was good with the Falcon…he offered me a job. And he gave me a gun. In that one day he offered me more than anyone had in my life.”

It’s simple, isn’t it? Rey didn’t need much, only to belong to something. Kylo didn’t used to be so different. He closes his eyes and tries to let the Force guide his thoughts, he hands them over like a baby in a blanket.

Kylo sees a dark haired boy watching a younger Han Solo fixing something inside the Falcon. Han shouts at Chewie for a tool. With a rush of excitement, young Ben sees the tool his father asked for by his feet. He picks it up and takes it to him. Han reaches behind him to accept it from a much taller creature, and then looks over his shoulder to see his small son holding up the tool with a wide grin. He chuckles and lifts the boy up on his shoulder so he can teach him how to repair the beta connection…

“And Leia, well, it’s a bit hard for me to – ” Rey blinks back tears and tries to loosen her throat. Kylo stares at her in wonder.

“Leia was princess and queen and mother to us all. She was a good leader and politician, but more than anything she was kind. And funny.” Rey laughs and sniffs as tears leave her eyes. She sighs and adds, “I found my family with her.”

Kylo doesn’t know what to say. He is resistant to Leia’s memory. He doesn’t want to remember her. Life isn’t worth living anymore if he has to relive what he’s done to her. What he’s done to someone so loved by so many.

He doesn’t have to remember the hugs and the games and the stories before bed. He already knows she used to make him his favorite things to eat just because, kiss his little hands a hundred times a day, poke fun at the other politicians, make him hot tea when he wasn’t feeling well…

What he wants to understand is why she thought she needed to be afraid of him. Why she thought he would ever hurt her. He assumed it was because she was too busy to bother with a solution. But deep inside, even then, he knew that wasn’t it.

She didn’t have faith that she was enough for him. She thought it was the light that needed to save him. She didn’t know about Snoke or Ben’s discovery of Darth Vader’s legacy. She thought Luke could keep him with her, and so she sent him away…

But to hear she was gracious to Rey – that she gave Rey something she had been missing…hearing that both his parents were kind to her…Kylo wishes he could thank them for that.

There’s a stab of agony in his ribs. It keeps digging and tearing until it rips out his next words… “Okay – okay, I forgive them.”

He slaps his hands over his face. Rey feels his guilt harsh and cruel in her heart.

“I forgive them,” he repeats as he bends forward to her shoulder.

Rey draws her arms around him again as tears fill her eyes. She feels a terrible weight she knows he must be carrying.

“Rey?” says his muffled voice.

She nuzzles her head down next to his, resting her forehead on his shoulder. He doesn’t even try to conceal the tears in his voice as he asks, “What if they can’t forgive me?”

Rey hiccups a sob and she can’t speak. Kylo’s mouth and chin are pressed against the front of her shoulder and he scrunches his eyes shut as salt burns them.

“I can’t do this,” he whispers.

“They love you, Ben,” Rey chokes out. She turns and plants gentle kisses on his neck. “They love you. And I love you.”

All the breath leaves his body and he’s stopped in time, holding this gentle creature, this gentle creature holding him. His brain is in fight or flight – he can’t comprehend it. Is that what you call this? The fever, the peace, light, companionship, trust, ache, desire, warmth? That’s love? And here he was calling it life.                       

Rey isn’t sure how much time passes, but at some point the weight of the day seems to hit him, and he starts to slouch heavily against her. She can feel his mind slip out of consciousness. She wonders if he’s slept much at all since she left. His eyes are closed and his breathing is soft while he rests on her shoulder. She shuffles out of his lap and tries to help him lie down without falling. He moans in protest but can’t seem to open his eyes.

She hopes it’s warm enough where he is. Remembering something from what feels like ages ago, she stands up, goes to her closet and pulls out a large, oversized blanket. She brings it over his body and climbs under with him, flat against him, and strokes the hair that frames his face. She brushes her lips over his, curls in to his chest, and closes her eyes. She falls asleep long before the Force wavers out at last.


	21. Saven

Most of the cruiser wasn’t aware they were about to jump to light speed when suddenly there is a lurch forward and the stars are a white blur through the windows.

The entirety of engineering looks back to the hyperdrive where Chewie is standing with a rather surprised expression on his hairy face, holding a broken crow-lock and a standard screwdriver.

Everyone cheers and rushes over to pat Chewie on the back. He puffs up his chest and trills importantly. Throughout the cruiser, passengers raise their arms and cheer, as they streak along across the galaxy. Even Poe fights back a grin as the crew on the bridge scramble to their stations, readying the ship to prepare for arrival.

Saven is a large moon whose surface is entirely composed of powdery white stone. It has some strange, colorful thermal energy underneath that bubbles up to the surface in various locations, like multicolored geysers. Great bubbles of yellow, red, orange, and blue burst from the ground and sail through the sky until they pop in the atmosphere, sending streaks of light across the horizon. It’s an alarmingly beautiful spectacle, one the Tallians are pleased to have an occasion to share with the rest of the galaxy.

Siruya Albrawn demonstrated that the great bubbles are much thicker than they appear; closer in quality to shields than liquid. Almost anything can penetrate the surface and be encased inside; the bubbles’ almost plastic-like membrane is capable of carrying tremendous weight as it floats. Siruya has set forth plans to build a gargantuan parliament building atop Saven’s largest geyser, using the giant bubbles to transport speakers of the Senate within the space to address one another. It’s more personal than holograms and more cost effective in the long run.

The Resistance passengers step off their cruiser now to the base of this half-built building. It’s made of the same white stone as the planet surface and has the crest of the Resistance branded on the side of it. They stare up in awe; it’s simply magnificent, like a castle built in the heavens.

Rey follows the Resistance commanders along the white path as though in a dream. She’s vaguely aware of being welcomed at the stone doors, offered refreshment, and shown to a waiting room, but the enormity of her present situation has her in a stupor. The building isn’t even complete yet thousands of people wait in the arena. Everyone is here to witness the first meeting of the New Republic at which she has apparently agreed to be a speaker, though how they got her to agree she doesn’t recall.

Poe had said they would have a few days to settle in and prepare their speeches, on account of their early arrival. But as it turns out, they were farther behind than Poe realized, and the Senate and its commentators have been waiting on them for nearly two days.

No sooner are they shown a waiting room when they’re promptly taken back out of it, ushered to the colossal podium before the dome of seats stretching over a mile high, and told to board their speaking platforms.

Rey looks out at the expanse of people who are all cheering their appearance. Hundreds of different species are before her, some creatures she never knew existed, turned toward her in rapt attention. Her heart thrums loudly in her ears and she starts to think she might actually pass out.

Finn takes her hand as he helps her into one of the giant, orange bubbles. Poe joins behind them. The bubble sets off into the air and floats all around the arena as a sort of extravagant introduction. Poe waves his hand pleasantly at all the faces cheering them. Rey can’t feel her hands so she leaves them at her sides.

At last, the bubble settles somewhere in the middle and Siruya’s voice booms over the speakers, welcoming everyone to Saven and the first organized meeting of the New Republic. Rey doesn’t hear what comes next; she’s trying to keep her guts where they belong.

Before she knows it, Poe is speaking to her left. His voice is strong and sturdy; Rey wonders how he manages it. He’s saying something about brotherhood and hope and resilience and all the things people are drawn to in such times. He speaks of Leia and her vision. He promises peace and progress and stability. Rey looks around at the cheerful faces within the circular arena. Whatever Poe is saying reaches them. Some are holding each other. Some cheer after every booming sentence. Some even clutch their hearts and weep.  

Then Rey hears her own name. Startled, she looks to Poe; he has stepped aside and is gesturing to the microphone. The stadium goes silent. Everyone looks to her, expecting her to speak like Poe did. Answer the question he just posed… What role will the Jedi play in the New Republic?

Finn squeezes her hand and pushes her toward the mic. She clears her throat and wonders if she’ll find her voice before she loses consciousness. She looks out as the bubble moves her along a row of civilians. These are the people she has thought about for years now. Everything she’s done has been for them and here she is, meeting them for the first time. She’s seeing the real faces of the hypothetical persons of oppression for whom she’s been fighting tooth and nail. Each and every one of them is so beautiful.

She clears her throat and steps forward.

“My name is Rey,” she says unsteadily, and she can hear her voice booming throughout the arena. “And I am no one.”

She hears the end of her voice taper off and she’s met with silent faces. Something powers up inside her and she feels strong. These are her people. A lifetime of isolation, never belonging, never connected, and here they all are, facing her, listening to her. Really, it’s no different than speaking in a room with Finn and Poe.

“I’m sure you all had a different idea of who you would meet today, the girl they say is the last Jedi. Maybe you had expectations or questions; maybe you’re hopeful or skeptical. Maybe you thought I would carry the legacy of the Jedi of old, the wisdom of the elders, the power of those who used to bring peace and order to chaos.”

Rey lets her voice echo away again. She takes a deep breath and continues. “However, I want to make it perfectly clear…I am no one special. I do not have the power to save you. I can’t wield the Force like a weapon or command it like a soldier. The Force is apart of each of us and that is where true power lies…within us all.

“In ages past, a counsel of Jedi worked alongside the Republic to help maintain peace in the galaxy. The Jedi rallied as an organization, in a central location, with ambassadors posted in various regions of interest. I know many of you have been hoping for a new counsel, one that is stronger and more powerful than before.”

Rey clenches her fist and screws up her face passionately, speaking loud and clearly into the microphone: “I’m here to tell you – this will _not_ be the way of the Jedi any longer! The Jedi will not be a far away hope. People should not look to the stars for salvation. Hope should come from within, around, everywhere. The Force will guide those who listen to it. It will save those who wish to maintain balance.

“I will not name myself Master of a counsel. I will not create a hierarchy within the Force. There are hundreds of new Jedi in our fleet. Many have already surpassed my skills with a lightsaber. It is ignorant and prideful to say I alone am the greatest of them all. We must trust in the Force that _life_ is what creates purpose, and trust is what we must rally around.  

“I repeat, I AM NO ONE! But I will help make us all strong, together. I will start an academy for anyone who wishes to learn the ways of the Force. I will train anyone from anywhere. And when you become Masters, you will go back to your planets and teach others. Pass on what you have learned.

“We’ll work together by protecting each other. Everyone will be taught what it means to have balance, choice, and humility. You will be taught about the darkside. It won’t be kept a secret. It will be your greatest strength to know how to temper the dark in moments of weakness. Because weakness and folly will not only be forgiven, but expected.

“I promise you I will do everything I can to aid every creature in this galaxy who wishes to help maintain the balance of life. The Force is with us…and we are with each other.”

The stadium is quiet for ten full seconds. A humming tension builds and grows around the empty space until at last the arena explodes with noise.

Rey releases her breath and looks to Poe, who winks at her. He stands up and joins her at her side.

He shouts into the mic, “We will realize this vision, and it will be one of peace! But first we must bring down the tyranny that plagues our galaxy! The First Order remains our greatest opponent. All the progress we’ve made in the last few years, they have matched with their own. Their allies run about like viruses, and it will take time to scrub their filth away. But I will not rest until we wipe the slate clean and start over in harmony. I will not stay protected in a fortress while everyone risks their lives for humanity. We will fight together. And we will win.”

The cheers in the arena are deafening. Everyone rises to their feet and raise their hands, facing the platform where the three faces of the Resistance stand. Rey smiles at Poe and he puts an arm around her and then an arm around Finn. The three of them stand together facing the multitudes as applause fills the air.

***

Kylo sits in the cockpit of Rey’s old B-wing fighter as Hux’s blue face peers at him from the holopad. Hux has finished relaying to him everything that has happened since their last correspondence, including the Resistance’s narrow escape that was most definitely not Hux’s fault. Hux waits for him to react, but Kylo has the beginnings of a migraine and simply stares ahead, pinching the corners of his eyes.

“Supreme Leader, do you read me?” Hux rasps. “I said we’ve uncovered a transmission from Resistance Headquarters. Almost every leader they have is on a moon in the Pree system.”

“Yes,” says Kylo.

Hux stares at him, his blue eyes bulging and a muscle twitching in his jaw. “I am less than an hour from their location.”

He pauses again, waiting for Kylo to respond. Kylo continues to rub between his eyes.

“The transmitter must be malfunctioning…”

“I hear you, Hux,” says Kylo. “I don’t wish for you to intercept them.”

“Wh- wh- ” Hux stumbles over his words, a vein growing ever larger on his temple.

“Tell me this,” says Kylo. “What do you imagine would happen if your fleet showed up on the Resistance’s best guarded rallying point? Hundreds of governments are gathered there as well – do you think they came unprotected? _Think_ , Hux, for once in your life.”

“So we’re to do nothing?”

Kylo drops his hand and bows his head. “I’m growing increasingly tired of your incompetence, General. I’ve allowed you to take the lead in all our working projects for nearly two months, yet you do nothing but disappoint. Your progress reports are late, if you bother to give me any at all, your judgments are less than ideal, and despite your insistence that you command your own army, the Resistance is still alive and well. It’s clearly time I return to the command ship and – ”

“Supreme Leader, I beg you, give me this chance.” Hux’s face is several shades of purple. “Surely your recruitment for the First Order is more important than – ”

“Ending the Resistance once and for all? Come now, Hux…”

“I’m less than an hour away from their rendezvous location,” he repeats. “We may not get a chance like this again. I will cloak the ship and orbit the moon. We can hack into their transmissions, I can almost guarantee they haven’t had a chance to lock their communication towers, seeing as this moon’s never been inhabited before. They won’t expect to be overheard, it’s secret meeting in a new location. If they say anything of importance, I’ll contact you immediately and perhaps we can craft a plan from there…”

He stares at Kylo anxiously, his eyes darting back and forth between Kylo’s, trying to decipher how his idea’s been received.

“That,” says Kylo, “is more like it. Keep me posted.”

He flips the switch and Hux’s blue face disappears.

Kylo lets out a heavy breath and takes out his shaking hands from under the dashboard. Damn him. That idiot General is craftier than he realized, finding a secret Resistance meeting all on his own. If Hux had a just a few more brain cells, he’d realize his vessel has far superior weapons and defenses than anything that little moon would carry. Even with the Resistance’s alliance’s security, they would be no match for a First Order dreadnaught.

Kylo racks his brains for a solution. He won’t be able to rely on Hux’s stupidity for much longer. He could try to intercept them and take command from Hux, but there isn’t time.

He feels for the bond in his mind and pushes across it, reaching for Rey. He could warn her, at least. But she doesn’t receive him.

He slams his fists on the dashboard and stands up. He flexes his hands and tries to remain calm. Hux is still under his control. Hux is only orbiting the moon, listening for transmissions. He’ll contact Kylo again before acting. Won’t he? Of course he will.

Kylo walks back to Tanda Lay from the fighter, thinking he could really use something to release his stress.

As though in answer to his wish, he notices some commotion or other behind the butcher’s market. He looks around the flimsy hut to see a Canto Bight slave master kicking a small boy on the ground. The kid’s mouth is bloody and he has two black eyes, but Kylo recognizes him at once as one of Rey’s students. He steps closer.

The slave master lifts his staff over his head to bring it down on the boy when suddenly he’s stopped in midair, unable to move the staff any further. Kylo stops in his tracks and peers past the man. The child is holding up both his hands, his face scrunched in concentration. He’s using the Force to protect himself. But he won’t be able to hold him for long.

Kylo comes up behind the slave master and snaps his neck with one sharp twist. His body crumbles beneath him. The boy stares at the body and then at Kylo, aghast. There’s a loud cry from the other side of the hut and Miss Abrielle comes running over to scoop up the now sobbing child in her arms.

Kylo kicks the body over onto its stomach and turns to Miss Abrielle.

“What is this?” he asks her. “I thought they don’t bother you in your own village.”

Miss Abrielle uses her apron to try to mop up the boy’s face.

“They’re not supposed to,” she says, “but they made contact last week, ordering a few children to come help with some annual casino event. We reminded them that they agreed to let the children stay home for the rest of the season, and I guess they’ve sent someone to collect them anyway.”

Kylo looks over his shoulder toward Canto Bight. The bright buildings glint in the sunlight.

Miss Abrielle tries to stand while holding the child, but she stumbles and falls heavily back to the ground. Kylo’s brows crease and he takes an uneasy step toward her.

“Are you injured?” he asks.

The boy stands up and tries to pull Miss Abrielle up by the arm. Miss Abrielle shakes her head stubbornly.

“It’s nothing of consequence,” she says.

Kylo watches as she tries repeatedly to stand. Her legs don’t seem to have the strength to carry her.

Miss Abrielle frowns at the look he’s giving her. “It’s nothing, nothing. My legs aren’t what they used to be is all. Don’t fret over me.”

Kylo motions for the boy to get back. He steps behind her and lifts her up under the arms. She gradually finds her balance and takes a step forward.

“See, I’m right as rain,” says Miss Abrielle with a smile.

Kylo purses his lips and looks at the child, who wraps his arms around Miss Abrielle’s leg. Kylo looks back toward Canto Bight. His eyes gleam in the sunlight as his features harden.

“The people of this village should be living in those grand halls,” says Kylo in a low voice. “You don’t actually need the masters for anything, right? You build your own vessels and train your own animals. If they were to – disappear…”

“What’s that?” Miss Abrielle holds a hand to her ear.

“I said, stay here. I’ll come back when it’s safe for you to move to the city.”

“W-what?”

But Kylo is already too far away to hear her. He makes for the speeder the dead slave master arrived on, jumps aboard, and sets off to Canto Bight.  


	22. Our Only Hope

Rey sits down for the first time in hours on a plush red cushion in her waiting room. Her legs feel like jelly and her stomach begins to rumble. She reaches for a bowl of grapes on her table and waits in silence for her heart to slow down after being on presentation for so long.

During Poe’s speech she had felt a tug at the bond and knew Kylo wanted to speak to her. Now she reaches back to find out what he wanted, but his end is completely shut off; he’s clearly very busy with something. Rey shrugs and leans back in the cushion, thinking she could just fall asleep here.

Right as her eyelids are starting to droop, there’s a sharp knock on her door that sets her heart racing anew.

“Yes?”

Poe walks in with a bouquet of flowers native to T’Kal. They’re enormous, the color of a storm, great streaks of different shades of gray and white.

“These are for you,” says Poe, setting them on her table with flourish. “I bought them straight away to honor that incredible speech you gave. Well done, Rey.”

Rey grins and sits up straighter on her cushion.

“I love them,” she says.

“We’ve been invited to a banquet, if you’re interested,” Poe says, plopping down on a small couch next to her. “I understand if you’re done with people today. I’d skip out myself if I could.”

“I hear there’s a motion to make you first Chancellor.” Rey smirks. “You better accept as many invitations as you can get.”

Poe waves his hand dismissively. “Siruya’s a shoe-in for that, she has much more experience in leadership.”

“I don’t know,” says Rey. “She’s a little…”

“Intense?” Poe offers.

Rey snorts. “Well, I think you should give yourself more credit. Siruya organized a revolution for her planet but you’ve helped turn around an entire galaxy.”

Poe doesn’t smile at the compliment. “No one deserves an ounce of credit for that more than Leia.”

Rey gives him a sideways look. “Perhaps you’re right. I’m not sure I want my Supreme Chancellor to be so humble. It makes you wonder if he really has the guts…”

Poe drops his jaw, indignant, leans over and takes the bowl of grapes away from her.

“Hey!” she protests as he pops a few in his mouth.

Poe chuckles and then lets out a heavy sigh. 

“It’s all a bit premature anyway,” he says. “We’ve got a long way to go before we should even be considering titles. It makes the people hopeful that we’re already making plans for the New Republic, but the truth is, I’m not sure which of us will even make it to the end of all this.”

Rey looks at him thoughtfully.

“Don’t get me wrong, we’re stronger than ever,” Poe says. “But then…so is the First Order. It’s a mistake to underestimate them just because we got away last time. As long as Kylo Ren is in power, we need to be prepared for the worst.”

Rey shifts in her seat uncomfortably. Eager to change the subject, she reaches over and takes a bunch of grapes back.

“So I was thinking,” she says. “I’d like to take Kit back with me when I return to Cantonica, if you can spare him. I’m sure you’d agree he should be involved when we liberate his people.”

To Rey’s surprise, Poe’s face falls and he fumbles with the grapes in his hand rather than look at her.

“Poe?”

He briefly meets her eyes and then sits up and crosses his hands over his knee.

“Okay,” he says. “I know how important it is to you, and of course I want to dismember that awful city as soon as possible – but we’re close to really making the First Order hurt. I don’t want us to get – distracted.”

He flinches before Rey even says anything; her eyes widen in fury and she stands up abruptly.

“Tell me you’re kidding,” Rey says, towering over him. “The whole point of all this is to help those who need protecting.”

Poe holds up his hand defensively. “I know, I know. I’m not abandoning them, it’s just that we need to prioritize. If we use our time liberating individual colonies we could miss out on taking the First Order down at last!”

“I’m getting really sick of leaders telling me about the greater good. Did you know Siruya was going to trap you into confronting the First Order before her revolution began? She too believed keeping things according to plan was more important than fulfilling promises and doing the right thing.”

“What are you saying? You know I’m dedicated to every person in this galaxy. But I can’t help them if the First Order is always two steps ahead.”

“You don’t have to be involved, just let _me_ go…”

Poe stands up at last and meets her angry gaze.

“Rey, you’re the only one who can face Kylo Ren.”

Rey steps back and though she’s mad at herself for it, she starts shaking.

“We might get lucky and blow up a space station he happens to be on or take down a wayward First Order vessel,” Poe continues. “But in all likelihood he’s smarter than that and we’ll have to take him straight on. And in that case, you’re our only hope.”

Rey wishes her eyes would stop filling with tears. She turns away as Poe starts to look concerned and takes a step toward her.

“What are you thinking?” Poe asks.

Rey takes a deep breath and balls her hands in a fist to try to control their shaking.

“I – ” She turns back around to stop him from coming closer. “I know where he is.”

Poe freezes in shock. He searches her eyes for more answers. He opens his mouth and closes it again, hoping she’ll offer more of an explanation, but she only continues to stare at him.

“And you – ” Poe hesitates, “hid this from us?”

Rey knows he’s asking for an explanation that makes perfect sense, that will clear this all up without further question. She can’t give that to him.

So she simply says, “Yes.”

Poe stares at her blankly. “Okay. So where is he?”

“He’s training.”

“Tr-training?”

“Yes.”

“What aren’t you telling me?”

Rey feels frantic and struggles to find the right words to explain this.

“I had to get him off T’Kal somehow. Siruya wouldn’t alert you to the First Order’s presence, she just wanted you to show up and help her fight them.”

“But the First Order wasn’t on T’Kal…” Poe pauses. “So that’s what you meant by Siruya was going to trap us into confronting them…”

Rey nods. “There’s much I haven’t told you, Poe. I don’t even know where to begin. But I asked Kylo to come with me to Cantonica before you arrived, and he did.”

"You…asked him…”

Rey nods again. “We trained students together. Kit…he’s Kylo’s own padawan.”

Poe’s eyes nearly pop out of his head.

“I don’t understand,” he says slowly.

“Ben Solo is my friend,” says Rey. “He has turned from the darkside.”

Poe nearly stumbles over; glad he had at least a few grapes in his stomach to keep him from passing out on the spot. Once the shock ebbs away, his features harden and he’s angry, just as Rey knew he would be.

“What are we doing, Rey?” he demands, his voice rising. “What sort of war is this? What are we fighting for? Whom are we even fighting against?”

Rey opens her mouth but he cuts her off.

“You – calling out Siruya for keeping secrets from me – and you’ve been with him all this time…everything we’ve built could have been ruined…”

“Poe,” Rey says, her voice trembling, “I would never endanger the Resistance, that’s why I didn’t say anything. I knew I had a chance to turn this war around in a way no one ever would have expected – or condoned – and I had to try. I had to give him a chance because no one else would have. You would have sent the whole fleet the moment I told you where he was.”

“Yes, that’s the general idea!” Poe says animatedly, his hands in the air. “Destroying our enemies!”

“And what about our friends?”

"You’re actually asking me to believe that the man who’s killed thousands of our own and others, broke his mother’s heart, murdered his father, nearly killed Finn…”

Rey lets out a sob. Poe shakes his head in disbelief.

“ _You_ could have been killed…”

“He’s turned,” Rey says again. “He won’t hurt me.”

Poe draws his hands over the back of his head and walks around in a circle.

“This changes everything,” he says, and Rey has a feeling he doesn’t mean in a good way. “Hours of tactical planning, man hours, fuel, ships, weapons, equipment…all of our resources, all of them, Rey, have gone into destroying that monster. What are you telling me? Is it all a joke?”

Rey shakes her head and suppresses another sob.

“Of course not,” she says. “It hasn’t always been clear…what his intentions are. I didn’t want to risk you or him until I knew for sure…”

“Just go, Rey,” Poe says, pointing to the door. “Go on – back to Canto Bight or wherever you think is best. Maybe, if it’s convenient, you could let me know where you end up and what you’re doing.”

Rey’s temper flashes. She marches over to him and grabs both his hands.

“I’m asking you to trust me,” she says. “You did once. I understand how this sounds, but we need to be smarter than the past. We can’t repeat old mistakes. They fought hate with hate last time. Now we need to fight with _light_ …and love.”

Poe stares at her in astonishment.

“Let me go to him,” she continues. “I’ll only go on your orders. I would never put the Resistance at risk. Let me see for myself how far he’s come. If I trust him, I beg that you trust me. This will be what ends the war. _Ends_ it, Poe. And we can focus on cleaning up the mess instead of chasing around someone who could be your ally.”

Poe is quiet for some time. Rey holds her breath, hardly daring to hope that he might come around, that he could see past his hatred and consider the possibility that Kylo might be something other than a monster after all.

Poe pulls his hands away from hers and places them on her shoulders.

“I trust you,” he says, and his voice is raw and uneven. He means it so sincerely and yet it also pains him; this is a trust based on emotion, not logic. “But I also trusted Leia. And she said – ”

“I know.” Rey sighs. “I know.”

Poe wets his lips and gives her one last look before letting out a long breath.

“You can go,” he says at last. Rey inhales sharply and starts to react.

“On one condition,” Poe says, raising a finger. “Tell me where you’ll be. Is he still on Cantonica?”

Rey nods. “Tanda Lay. It’s a few miles down the coast from Canto Bight.”

“I will be three days behind you. Me, Kit, and the entire fleet.”

Rey bites her lip and nods again. She whirls around, throws her things in her bag, and makes for the door.

“Rey,” Poe says, with that uncertain tone in his voice again. “Be careful.”

Rey throws her arms around his neck. “Thank you, Poe. Thank you for your trust. And your faith.”

Poe gives her a stiff nod and she sweeps from the room.


	23. Reunited Part 1

Rey paces through all the walkways of the Falcon as Chewie flies them back to Cantonica. More than once Chewie has asked her to sit down, to stop worrying, that she’s making him nervous. But her mind is going haywire; she can’t keep a coherent thought in place for more than a minute.

She thinks of Kylo, but her mind’s eye can’t seem to imagine a clear shape. He’s draped in layers of black holding a red, unstable lightsaber, or he’s wearing the lightweight tan garments from Tanda Lay, practicing forms, posing in meditation… She’s becoming aware of just how foggy his future is, how unstable and noncommittal.  

She _knows_ he’s been trying. She knows he is strong. He won’t fail. She’s believed in him longer than he’s believed in himself. But she just promised Poe something she’s not sure she can deliver. Kylo told her he would turn. He never said he’d help the Resistance.

She shouldn’t have spoken for him. She has no idea what he’s been through in the last several weeks. Aren’t they both learning nothing is as black and white as it seems? Rey has found her compromise – she just announced it to hundreds of people. But what about Kylo? She never even asked him what he really wants.

When the ship finally touches down, Rey gasps and runs to the front of the ship. Chewie has landed next to her old B-wing fighter that is still parked on the outskirts of Tanda Lay.

“Chewie,” says Rey. “I know you’re supposed to be my protection but I should talk to him on my own. Will you wait here?”

Chewie answers and she nods ardently.

“Of course – I’ll keep you posted. Thank you, Chewie.”

Despite her pounding heart, Rey is met with an unusual peaceful sensation as she enters the village. If she had anything to compare it to, she would say it’s like the feeling of returning home. She feels a rush of excitement, a rush that stretches her smile and energizes her gate. She breaks into a trot – each familiar hut inspires a pleasant thrill in her heart.

Amidst her eagerness, she makes it nearly halfway to the cottage before realizing the village is rather quiet. Not only that – it’s empty. Not a single villager is walking about, no one is working in the fields, no children are playing outside. What is going on?

She keeps on track to the cottage and when she arrives she knocks loudly on the front door. No answer. She opens it and enters to see a bare, dusty room with dried flowers in their vases.

She searches the house, the backyard, the garden, their sparring spot in the aspens, and even her old meditation point over the ocean…but no Kylo. The whole village seems to be abandoned. Something awful must have happened.

Her heart racing, she reaches deep inside her mind for the bond, almost expecting it to be missing. But it is alive and well, warm and ready to be accessed.

_Ben_ , she thinks wildly.

The bond flutters and she’s suddenly filled with his presence, gentle and familiar.

_You’re here?_

Rey can hear him but she can’t see him.

_Where are you?_ She thinks.

_Canto Bight_ , he answers. He chuckles and shuts the bond with a snap.

Stunned, Rey blinks several times before shaking herself out of it. She runs back to the Falcon and instructs Chewie to stay put while she takes a speeder to Canto Bight.

She arrives in the glittering city cautiously, walking up to the grand casino with her hand resting on her lightsaber. She jumps when the first person she encounters appears in her periphery and she darts behind a wall. But when she peaks around the corner, she recognizes him. He’s a Tanda Lay villager.

Stepping around the wall, Rey looks ahead to the group of people sauntering by. They are all villagers. Some of them wave at her. She raises a hand and waves back slowly, her half smile not quite meeting her confused eyes.

As she enters the first casino, she sees it’s under a serious remodel. Much of it looks like it’s been destroyed – if she didn’t know better she would say some of the damage looks like it came from a lightsaber…

She steps back out and walks through the sunlit street. More villagers come out of the buildings. Children are playing in the yards. What has happened here?

“Master Rey!”

Rey pivots and turns to see Miss Abrielle sitting in a wheelchair in front of a large manor waving her knitting. Rey walks over to her.

“What’s happened? Are you okay?”

Miss Abrielle smiles and puts down her knitting.

“Right as rain,” she says. “Is my Kit with you?”

Rey shakes her head, staring at her in awe. “He’s about three days behind. What – ?”

Miss Abrielle chuckles. “Your friend happened. He just up and decided to take apart the whole city! Started with the officials – they resisted at first until they realized they didn’t stand a chance…most everyone’s evacuated by now. He didn’t give them much of a choice is what it comes to. Either get out and make your fortunes elsewhere or well…he was a bit fuzzy on the details there.”

She waits for Rey’s confused reaction and then lets out a hearty guffaw. “Really, he did! I wouldn’t believe it myself but here we all are – livin’ the high life in these gorgeous manors. We’re a free people!”

“You’re – you mean – Ben? _He_ overthrew your masters?”

Miss Abrielle nods and laughs until there’s a stitch in her side. “Can you believe it? And here I’ve been all skeptical…”

Rey stares at her. No, she really can’t believe this.

“Do you like my new home?” asks Miss Abrielle, gesturing behind her. “It was the former governor’s. I won’t invite you in just yet, we only moved over yesterday so I haven’t had a chance to clear out those awful furnishings.”

Rey finds her voice after a pause. “Well, yes, it’s wonderful…” She looks around at the villagers walking by, great toothy smiles on their faces. She turns back to Miss Abrielle. “So, you’re not…injured?”

Miss Abrielle waves her hand noncommittally. “Runs in my family, dear, nothing to worry about. My legs just don’t do what they’re supposed to all the time.”

Rey nods slowly and then smiles and takes the old woman’s hands.

“I’m so happy for all of you,” she says. “I’m not sure I understand, though…won’t there be repercussions?”

Miss Abrielle shrugs. “The nice thing about these devilish party hubs is they’re off the grid for the most part. Most of the official’s transactions were illegal and no one looks too close if they know what’s good for them. Thing is, the customers don’t really care who’s filling their order as long as it gets done. Our people are still filling orders like we’ve always done, and it should be business as usual. Folks will miss the gambling but none of us have any desire to continue that particular economic endeavor anyway.”

Rey beams at her. “Well, I can’t think of anyone who deserves this more. Miss Abrielle, can you tell me – do you know where Ben is?”

Miss Abrielle squeezes her hands back and smiles warmly. “He’s off with the older kids, training I suspect.”

Rey blinks.

Miss Abrielle giggles, releases her hands, and gathers up her knitting again.

She nods her head to the right, gesturing toward a hill covered in fake emerald-colored grass and says, “The kids wanted to help, and of course they’re in his way, but he’s let them tag along as he goes from house to house kicking out the old filth. They talked him into starting up some of their old training programs when they have some spare time. You can wait for him up at the palace if you want. He’s taken up residency there.”

“The – palace?”

Miss Abrielle peers at her over her spectacles. She raises an eyebrow and says, “Does that surprise you?”

“No,” Rey says. “No, it does not.”

Miss Abrielle winks at her and continues her knitting as Rey sets off down the luxurious cobblestone path that leads to the grand palace overlooking the city and ocean.

Kylo isn’t there when she arrives so she walks around, admiring the elegant architecture and the lavish décor. She finds a library bordering the courtyard and steps inside, the click of her boots echoing all the way up to the domed ceiling.

She notices the Jedi texts have their own special place in a clear, sun-protected case by the window. She places a hand on the cover. An elaborate mahogany desk faces the window overlooking the courtyard. Rey runs a hand over that as well. She’s never seen such fancy things.

On the corner of the desk is the book, _Leadership: A Brief History & Guide to Chandrila Politics, _lying open on the last page. Rey glances at the most recent line:

_Step Five: Pass on what you have learned._

Kylo _is_ training Rey’s old students. She can hardly believe it.

Rey sends a transmission to Chewie, letting him know she’s safe and that she will contact him tomorrow. She makes her way across the tall bookshelves and selects a rather colorful one about the art of fathier racing. She curls up on a high backed chair with a royal blue cushion and begins to read.

 

Three quarters of an hour pass before she hears footsteps down the marble hall. Kylo appears in the doorway, taller than she remembered, his long black hair framing his face, his scar particularly prominent in the shadow of the sunset.

“There you are,” he says, stepping inside.

Rey doesn’t know what to say to him. So much has happened and she’s so _proud_ of him, but she can’t find the words to express it. So she stands up from her chair and simply smiles at him like a shy schoolgirl.

Kylo walks toward her; he’s clearly trying not to smile too much, to not appear over-eager, but by the time he reaches her, his grin reaches across his whole face.

“Welcome to the new Canto Bight,” he says.

“Hi,” Rey replies with her little grin.

She rests her mind against his, like two foreheads touching. Kylo doesn’t seem to be aware of any drastic changes, but Rey feels the difference in him as loud as the grand decorations in this room. Rey feels relief, refreshment, tranquility – similar to the sensation of taking off a heavy winter coat, or seeing the first clear day after a stormy week, or watching a shower of leaves float to the ground on a peaceful afternoon.

He’s not so different, not really – she recognizes the way he thinks, his dedication, his ambition, his drive, even his kindness. He’s still the man she remembers, the man she loves. Only a little lighter – a little happier. The feeling of it stretches her hand a bit further toward that dim star of hope.

Kylo seems taken aback by her wanderings through his mind. It’s been a while since she’s been so close. His eyes darken as he latches onto her presence with selfish possession.

He brushes her hair behind her ear and stares at her eyes, nose, and mouth, committing to memory the way they glow in the golden sunset. For some reason Rey starts to feel nervous. He’s never looked at her like this before.

Something _has_ changed. It doesn’t have to do with the Force as much as him as a person. He feels… _older,_ somehow. A grown man is standing before her, looking into her eyes with confidence and affection. Rey feels swept away, a little out of control.

“Question,” he says. Rey’s heart flutters with the memory of their silly game from a lifetime ago. He looks her in the eyes, noticing their soft hazel hues catch the light, and smiles. “Did you mean it?”

Rey’s brows crease in confusion and she tilts her head. He sends her own voice back to her through the bond.

_They love you. And I love you._

Rey can feel the heat on her cheeks and she wonders what has come over her. He doesn’t seem fearful or weary and she supposes that throws her off. His face depicts nothing but kindness and patience as he waits for her answer.

She brings a hand to his cheek and smiles back at him. “Of course.”

There’s a flicker in his eyes for a second, a sort of brightening that Rey interprets as approval. He strokes her jaw with his thumb and then takes his hand away and steps back toward the door.

“The usual for dinner?” he says.

 

Evening in the palace is nothing short of magical. The sitting room mantelpiece goes all the way up to the ceiling and firelight dances on the dark walls. Kylo looks at home here; he sits back on the long, narrow couch with ease. Rey wants to laugh at him; she doesn’t think she could ever live in a place like this. She feels like a child visiting a castle built for princesses.

“And so,” Rey says, “you decided to just…dismantle an entire city?”

Kylo shrugs. “It’s been a long time coming, don’t you think?”

“Well, yes, I just didn’t expect you to do it on your own.”

“I wasn’t quite alone,” he says. “Your old students made sure of that.”

Kylo sips from a large, golden goblet and stares into the fire. Rey watches the flames flicker in his dark eyes. Warmth emanates from her heart and throughout her body. It’s a new, wholesome, safer feeling, much better than ever before. She trusts him. It feels warm and secure and comforting to feel that way about him.

A familiar ache travels down her core. The way his short-sleeved tunic clings to his shoulders looks both cozy and sensual. She frowns as she comes to the realization that he’s much too far away. He doesn’t meet her eyes – he maintains his calm, serene composure, yet Rey could almost swear she sees his breathing become more rapid…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the fade to black, this chapter was getting far too long so I decided to split it in two. I'm putting the finishing touches on the second part and I should get it posted in the next day or two.


	24. Reunited Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If erotica's not your thing, skip ahead to the (******) where it is "safe" to read again. For everyone else, I hope you enjoy all the sentimental goodness :)

Kylo hides his arousal well; his face is completely still and he appears relaxed, watching the dancing flames while Rey stares at him, softly panting in lust. But when she catches his eye at last he lets out a sharp breath and crawls up the long couch toward her with alarming speed.

Rey’s heart jumps in equal parts surprise and arousal as he climbs on top of her. She thinks he’s going to begin kissing her but he pulls at her shoulders and they roll off the couch onto the fluffy white rug on the floor.

She lands hard on top of him and he doesn’t seem to mind in the slightest. He cradles her carefully as he rolls them over so she is beneath him. Rey feels a pounding sense of urgency but Kylo seems to want to take his time. He holds her face between his hands and kisses her mouth sweetly, checking her eyes after each kiss. The corners of his mouth turn upward and Rey is overwhelmed at the sight of him. He’s so…happy.

Kylo looks her over from her tight stomach peaking past her bunched up tunic, to her soft, small breasts beneath his hands, to the dip between her collarbones, her smooth neck, her wide eyes. He can see he surprises her, and it spikes his arousal – he brushes his thumb over her flushed cheek as he grinds against her.

He feels a tingling, burning sensation in his bones as he watches her respond to him. She closes her eyes – he’s almost upset by it at first; he’d rather have her look at him and what he’s going to do to her – but then her chin tilts upward and she releases a sigh that nearly undoes him on the spot. He presses his lips on her shoulder and drags his tongue down to the top of her chest, leaving a trail of saliva that makes Rey shiver beneath him.

Kylo moves his heavy hand in a clumsy motion over her body, trying to feel all of her too fast. The back of his knuckles brush the fabric between her legs and with a shockwave of arousal, he realizes it’s soaking wet.

He buries his face in her hair just above her neck and smells her intoxicating scent of sweat and spice. He brings his hand up to her breast and palms the center, grinding on top of her with ferocity.

“Ben,” she breathes, the desperation in her voice making him crumble to his core, “I’ve really missed you.”

His heart clenches in a somewhat painful way. He’s…touched that she feels so strongly for him. Her affection and admiration mean the absolute world to him right now. He feels in this moment that her approval is paramount to his survival, that she need only say the word, and he’ll do or be anything she wants.

He feels a little nip on his shoulder and looks down to see her suckling his skin. Her lips are red and swollen. He swipes her head up with his left cheek and takes those lips with his teeth and sucks gently until she begins to groan.

“Damn it, Rey,” he says, lifting himself up again, taking in her sensual features. He’s determined not to look away or even blink. He doesn’t want to miss a moment of her unraveling.

He shifts his knees to support him as he sits up and straddles her lap. She remains lying down on the soft rug, her hair splayed out around her, looking up at him in complete serenity. She’s not thinking of anything but him, and he feels that painful twinge in his heart again.

This is the moment he’s been after, without ever knowing it. To be deserving of that look, and confident enough to receive it without falling apart. _His_ touches are eliciting that repeated curving of her spine, the flush on her face and chest, the circular motion of her hips, like she’s already being amorous with him. She feels so good – he knows because he can feel it too…and it’s _his_ doing. Their doing together.

He brushes her hair behind her right ear and smiles at her. He can’t help it. She’s so beautiful and she’s here, for him, ready and waiting.

Rey smiles back and utters a soft, “Hm.” Kylo loves this peaceful energy between them. Rey deserves to be at ease, lying back, being lavished with affection.

He wants to give her everything. He wants her to lie there and receive it all, never ceasing to smile and never worrying about anything ever again. She doesn’t need to lift a finger. He’ll take care of it all.

But as he’s thinking it, she sits up and runs her gentle hands over the tops of his shoulders. She slinks her arms between his and draws him close, holding her head against his burning chest. He can feel his heart beating hard and fast, and thinks it must be rather loud in her ear. She only squeezes him tighter.

She takes hold of his shirt and pulls it over his head. The backs of her fingers slide down his chest and he watches in awe as her eyes burn with desire. He may never understand how someone could look at him that way, but he’s overwhelmed with gratitude that she does.

She gently pushes him backward and guides him to the floor. Confused but enticed, he lets her roll him over so his bare stomach is pressed against the rug, and she begins to massage his back muscles with her small hands.

She’s…trying to make him feel good. She’s pleasing him. He almost can’t breathe with the realization.

“Relax,” Rey says with a giggle. “Let me take care of you.”

Kylo licks his lips and closes his eyes, but it feels strange letting her do this. She’s already done enough for him.

He turns over suddenly and catches her hands as she starts to fall toward him.

“Hey,” she complains, but he cuts her off with a rough kiss. He unfastens the wrap around her torso and takes off her coverings to reveal her bare chest, pale and smooth to his touch. She slowly falls against him, her small body hardly any weight at all on his chest and legs.

He can feel her press her legs together and squirm as he resumes touching and squeezing her breasts – making him thrust upward. That small slice of relief is delicious and he starts to see stars.

He pulls away, panting, and Rey drops her head next to his cheek. He shudders as her hot breath touches his neck and he freezes entirely when she whispers so quietly, “I love you, Ben.”

His first thought is not to think. His instinct is to recoil from her kindness. It doesn’t belong anywhere near him, and he knows this, but she continues to give it so freely. He doesn’t want to think about it because he doesn’t want to come to the conclusion that she’s made a terrible mistake. He wants her to keep on giving him what he doesn’t deserve because what will become of him if she doesn’t?

Rey lifts her head up and cocks her head to the side, their bodies still rocking slowly against each other, making her legs weak.

“Are you okay?” she says with a smile. “You look confused.”

All he can do is nod.

“Do you not like hearing that?” she asks.

He scoffs and grunts at the same time as she presses her pelvis against him. He shakes his head and pushes her head back to his neck with his right hand, swirling her hair against her scalp.

“Don’t ask me anything…don’t stop,” he begs, kissing the top of her head.

“Okay,” she says, running her hand over his chest and down his abs, and dipping below his pant line.

His breath hitches as she closes her hand over him. He feels a hundred degrees hotter as she fumbles with him, trying to find the right grasp.

“Fuck,” he wines into her hair as she begins to stroke him. Her breathing on his neck is sweet agony. His back curves up into her hand and he realizes too late that he’s been squeezing her shoulder rather tightly. He releases her and sees fingernail marks on her skin.

“Sorry,” he says, but she replies by nipping his neck and stroking harder. She doesn’t move fast, in fact it’s agonizingly slow. He’s vaguely aware that he’s making noises – likely unattractive, carnal grunts, but she doesn’t seem to mind. The sound appears to resonate with her as she pushes her pelvis against his hand and starts planting wet and lavish kisses on his mouth.

He reaches for her hand and pulls it away, and immediately fumbles with her pants, trying to push them off with the end of his fingertips. She helps him slide them all the way off and then he begins to fight with his own.

She giggles. “So eager.”

“I missed you,” he replies.

“That’s nice to hear,” she says as he pushes her over and straddles her once more.

He stops for a moment and rests his large, warm hand over her chest. He puts a finger on her little nose. Unexpectedly he hears her voice in his mind.

_Sometimes I like to know what you’re thinking. Sometimes it’s nice to hear what you think of me._

Kylo tilts his head to the side and looks at her curiously, but she simply smiles and reaches up to him.

His heart is full as he bends over and kisses her stomach. He drags his hands along her sides and laps at her skin, leaving a wet trail all the way up between her breasts and to the dip in her neck.   

He can feel her tremble with want and he presses the edge of his palm against her pelvis. She cries out and he kisses her with his whole mouth, as though he could ingest the pleasure she feels.

“You’re too good to be true,” he mumbles and for some reason it makes her laugh.

He adjusts himself at her entrance and waits for just a moment, wanting to savor the look of her naked body lying there waiting for him one last time. Rey feels him start to fill her, and she becomes temporarily deaf as, for a moment, she can only hear her dull heartbeat and her quick breathing. He collapses on top of her and while her body roars to life with fire flowing through each vein, she realizes he’s not moving like she expected. He’s still; his only movement is his chest moving up and down with his breathing.  

She closes her eyes and relishes this closeness and this warmth. His hair feels nice on her chest and his breath tickles her breast. She peaks over his forehead, where his hair almost covers his face. His eyes are scrunched shut and his mouth is slightly open, occasionally planting weak kisses on her skin.

Rey smiles and leans back, feeling a fresh ache between her legs and her walls start clamping lightly against him.

“Ben?” she whispers.

“Yeah?”

“Do you love me?”

He is silent. Moments pass by and just as Rey starts to think he didn’t hear her, he lifts his head and looks at her, his eyes a bit bloodshot as he stares at her in bewilderment.

“You know I do,” he says.

She smiles and runs a finger down his nose. She brushes the hair out of his face and secures it behind his ear.

“I didn’t, but thank you.”

He continues to regard her with confusion, the crease between his brows growing firmer. In his mind, she must be joking. He’s loved her since the beginning. How could she not know that?

He sits up, pressing against her lightly, but not ready to continue. The sooner he does, the sooner this all stops.

Rey watches him tower above her, his features bold and handsome, his dark hair hanging toward her, so long now it nearly reaches her nose. She can’t explain how exactly, but the bond is open between them and he is settled endearingly within her mind. She doesn’t hear his thoughts but she feels them.

She’s having a hard time remembering what it felt like to ever have her mind to herself. To not have his companionship. She does remember it being lonely.

She thinks of that old ache, loneliness, as she watches the firelight on his face, neck, and chest. He hasn’t moved for a while, his hands still rest over her, and he’s staring somewhere near her throat, deep in thought.

Despite the need gathering between her legs, Rey feels comfortable, like she could go on staring at him like this as long as he’ll allow it. The rug is soft and soothing beneath her naked body. The air is warm near the fire. She bends her arms and rests her hands gently on top of his.

Ben is her friend. The thought of it brings a sudden lump to her throat. He’s much more too, but that just seems to be a given, a natural progression of things. He has become an extension of her and she of him; she’s not sure there can be one without the other. Despite their separate histories, she truly believes they think in the same way.

Amidst all the darkness and confliction and grief, Kylo has risen above it and become something dependable for her, something strong and admirable. She feels overwhelming gratitude for his love. They are both better people for it. He has become her closest friend.

Rey can never tell what exactly Kylo can hear in her thoughts, but she thinks she sees his lip quiver for the briefest moment and he bends down to kiss her. His lips are softer than before, he holds her firmly behind her neck – she opens her mouth and feels for his tongue, which elicits a strange moan from him, almost a fearful sound. But when she opens her eyes, his eyes are bright and a small smile appears on his face before leaning in for more kisses.

He finally begins to move properly and Rey clasps his back, as though he’s about to fly away without her. He’s driving against her in the sweetest spot – all that time motionless to have him take her now so completely…Rey has to break away from his lips and lean back to keep a handle on it. She feels filled up, whole; the intensity of her pleasure is everywhere, it’s almost too much, but she never wants it to stop.

“Rey…” he groans and bites hard on his lip. “Rey – I – I’m…”

“Don’t you dare,” she hisses, arching her back, willing this amazing feeling to reach every part of her.

He coughs once and shuts his eyes, holding on, trying hard not to let himself become unraveled. He finds a rhythm that seems to work, to not tip him over the edge, while Rey continues to grasp his forearms and bend backward.

He’s entirely in her control, he thinks, willing to do whatever she wants as long as she wants. Nothing’s ever been more important to him in his life. He chances opening his eyes a bit; Rey’s face is deep red, her lips are pressed together, and her eyes are shut tight…that was a mistake – he snaps his eyes closed again, lets out a loud sputter of agony and slams his fist on the ground next to her.

“It’s…so close,” she moans.

He bites his lip again, but it’s no use. He erupts violently, falling on top of her, crushing her, and positively shaking with the aftershock. He experiences about two seconds of terrible shame before she, too, lets out a cry and he feels her clamp deliciously around him, her nails dig into his arms, and she brings her head up to his shoulder and pants into his neck. It’s enough to send a fresh surge all the way through him – he feels another, weaker, almost painful orgasm as he puts both his arms behind her neck and presses his cheek against hers.

******

For a dangerous moment he thinks he might cry it feels so good. He swallows several times and lets out an overwhelmed chuckle. Rey also breathes a faint laugh. Kylo tries to move his head to look at her, but she keeps him still.

“Don’t look at me,” she says, laughing. “I’m a blubbering mess, I’m so embarrassed.”

Intrigued, he pulls up anyway, and she crosses her arms over her face. Grinning like a naughty child, Kylo tries to move her arms away.

“No…” she wines, laughing, and trying to roll over.

“Don’t hide,” he says. “I love you.”

She stops struggling and slumps against the rug, her arms still covering her face, though weakly. Kylo pulls them down and brushes her hair back from her eyes.

Her face is streaked red and she has tears all down her cheeks. Her nose is wet, her hair sticks to the side of her face, her eyes are over-bright and her lips are soft and pouting. Kylo thinks she looks absolutely beautiful.

“Okay, okay,” says Rey, curling upward. She sniffs and brushes the back of her hand over her face. “Quite enough of that.”

Kylo grins as she stands up and puts her clothes back on. She glares at him sitting there naked, knowing he’s teasing her and refusing to play along.

She throws his clothes at him and smirks as she turns the corner to get a glass of water. She finds a pure crystal glass in the kitchen and uses the water pitcher to fill it. She hears Kylo come behind her. He puts a hand on her back and kisses the side of her head before taking a seat at the bar.

“I was surprised you came back so soon,” he says, pouring a glass of wine for himself.

Rey nods and sits beside him, taking a long drink from her glass.

“Yes, I know it was unexpected. So much has happened since I last saw you.”

“Good things?”

“I think so. Kit’s been doing wonderfully. Everyone’s very taken with him. And we had our first meeting with the new Galactic Senate.”

“Ah, yes, I heard about that.”

“You – you did?”

“General Hux was lingering in the shadows, as a matter of fact. I take it he didn’t give you any trouble?”

“Oh that.” Rey shrugs. “No, we were able to sneak past him when we left the moon.”

Kylo gawks at her. “You knew he was there?”

Rey laughs. “Not much can get past Chewie.”

Kylo looks down. “Oh.” His eyes shift back and forth, thinking quickly. “I tried to warn you. Tell the – tell the others he’s listening in on your transmissions.”

“Okay,” says Rey.

There’s a pause in which they both stare down at the counter with their hands cupping their glasses. Rey feels nervous for some reason. She’s used to moments of happiness with him, but before she’s known they were only pretending. Now, it seems, they aren’t anymore, and she doesn’t know exactly where he stands now.

Kylo speaks first. “So what brought you back?”

Rey sighs. She pushes her glass away and swivels to face him.

“The General wanted me to face Kylo Ren.”

He blinks at her. Rey’s heart aches as she takes in his tired face and his large brown eyes.

She wets her lips and continues, “The Resistance is committed to bringing down the First Order. They have the support, they have weapons – it’s top priority.”

She closes her eyes and blurts out, “We have three days before the Resistance catches up with me here. I told Poe we would find an ally in you.”

Kylo blanches. There’s an uncertain silence in which Rey begins to panic.

Kylo’s voice is weak as he says, “You…what?”

Rey nods. “We need your help.”

Kylo stands up and begins pacing. “I – it’s – Rey, I’m not ready.”

“I appreciate everything you’ve been doing… but it’s time to act.”

Kylo shoots her a glare and stops at the bar again. “You don’t understand. We need a plan. I don’t know how to go about this yet. It’s not so simple as – ”

“It’s very simple,” says Rey. “We need to take down the First Order.”

“I _am_ the First Order!”

“How many steps _are_ there?” Rey flinches at his glowering expression. “I’m sorry, I’m just trying to understand you. Was I wrong telling them that you would help us?”

Kylo doesn’t say anything.

“You need to make your choice, Ben,” Rey says. “I can’t wait forever.”

He lets out a tired sigh and puts his hands behind his head. “I know.”

“Three days,” Rey says softly. “I can wait three days.”


	25. Luke

Kylo wakes in the grand master bedroom’s mahogany four-poster, which is covered on all sides by silken silver-blue drapes. Rey’s soft body still slumbers next to him. He spares a few seconds to admire her innocent sleeping face and then stands from the bed and reaches for his robe. The air is still cool and the sunrise barely peaks over the rooftops of the city.

Careful not to wake Rey, he closes the bedroom door behind him, strides through the corridor to the library, unceremoniously grabs his mother’s old book, and steps outside to the vast courtyard. The sand-colored cobblestone is bathed in golden sunlight and the sky is a deep violet with long wisps of cloud stretching across the horizon.

Kylo approaches a huge stone fountain and sets the book on the ledge glaring at it. He twirls his pen around his fingers. Pursing his lips he writes rather moodily:

_Step Six: Turn to the Light_

He sighs. What does that mean, really? The light. He’s sure Rey has no idea. She’s been improvising from the start. He knows what the light used to mean to him, but all that’s changed. It’s time to start over. Find new meaning in the Force that feels right.       

He sets the pen down and walks around in a large circle. In the hundreds of pages of Jedi texts, nothing adequately explains what the light really is. It explains how to access it, how to feel and use it, but there’s no blunt definition. His uncle used to speak of the light, but Kylo hadn’t really been paying attention then. Dark voices in his head made Luke’s efforts merely words to him.

His uncle. Luke. Kylo’s entire body tenses before he even makes it a coherent thought: …he should ask Luke for help. Kylo scowls and continues walking in circles. He looks back at the book; the pages are blowing over in the light breeze.

He turns to the arched entrance to the palace. Rey is inside probably preparing breakfast. She’s counting on him and now they have a deadline. He takes a deep breath and tries to keep his pride pressed down. He sits cross-legged on the grassy lawn beneath a large golden statue of a fathier.

He thinks back to what he’s read about speaking to those who have passed through to the Force. He’s probably read that chapter a hundred times during his studies. It requires no effort at all if you are being contacted, but it’s no small feat to call past this dimension and reach the dead. Especially the ones who don’t wish to be found.

Kylo closes his eyes.

“Luke,” he says.

Nothing happens.

He flexes his hands, rolls his shoulders, and tries to relax.

“Luke,” he says louder.

Nothing.

He reaches inside himself for the Force, bringing it up and out, using the energy of the grass beneath him, the now cobalt sky above, the ocean in the distance. The Force has become trusting of him. It bends and grows around him. He feels powerful like this, at peace and connected. He reaches out as a friend, rather than an enemy, brushing though time and space as though he’s lighter than air.

“Uncle Luke,” he says, barely a whisper.

Nothing.

Kylo slams his fists down on either side of him, his eyes fly open and he stands in one motion.

He stomps back through the courtyard and barges into the palace. He swings the kitchen door open and it bangs on the adjacent wall.

Rey jumps in surprise, sending the fruit in her arms flying.

“What in the – ”

“Call him,” Kylo says, pacing along the polished wood floor.

“Call – ?”

“Luke, reach out to Luke. He won’t appear to me, you’ll have to do it.”

Rey’s eyes are like saucers as she sets down the empty bowl.

“I-I’m afraid I’ve never done anything like that before.”

“It doesn’t matter. It’s no trouble. Come outside and call him.”

He grabs her wrist and pulls her back outside with him. He pushes her against the edge of the fountain until she sits and he folds her hands over her lap.

“Close your eyes,” he says impatiently. “Think of him and say his name.”

Kylo steps away and nods to her. Rey gives him one last quizzical look and then does what he asked.

“Luke,” she says. She opens one eye to see if anything happened.

She jumps again as a semitransparent blue figure appears in front of her. Luke Skywalker stands tall before her, his long, gray beard tinged blue, his thick Jedi robes billowing around him.

His protuberant blue eyes give her a questioning look and he opens his mouth to say something – then he looks to her left and sees Kylo standing to the side.

Luke scowls and shakes his head.

“No,” he says.

Rey stands up and steps away silently. Luke watches her retreat, an expression of utter annoyance tracing his features. Rey gives him a small grin before disappearing through the arch.

Luke sighs and takes a seat on the edge of the fountain, his whole form glowing a faint blue.

“What is it, then?” says Luke.

Kylo seems to be experiencing an internal battle inside his throat, trying to determine what tone of voice to use. His instinct is to be angry, but that’s not going to get him anywhere.

“I seek guidance,” he says, his voice flat and empty.

“You do, do you?”

Kylo gives a stiff nod. “I need help.” His voice is annoyingly dry. He speaks through his teeth. “Finding the light. Knowing how to recognize it. When I see it.”

Luke considers him for a moment. Then his facial muscles begin to twitch and his scowl starts to look more like a grimace. Kylo drops his gaze to the ground in the wake of it. Luke stares at him for a solid minute.

Then he says, “I’m only going to say this once, so pay attention. I will never forgive you for what you did to my sister.”

Kylo looks up and meets his eyes. Kylo chews his top lip and inhales deeply through his nose.

He swallows and says, “I’m not asking for forgiveness. Just some answers.”

Luke stands up.

“I’m not going to help you,” he says and begins to walk away across the lawn.

Kylo loses his temper. He swipes the book off the ledge and it collides heavily with the ground. It’s splayed out on the cement, its pages awkwardly folded in on itself. Kylo storms after Luke.

“How can you be so cruel?” Kylo shouts.

Luke says nothing and continues walking purposefully in the opposite direction.

Kylo screams after him, “I’m trying here!”

Luke stops abruptly, just before rounding the corner of the palace. He turns around, his forehead is creased and his mouth is stiff. He raises his pointer finger, demanding silence.

His beard furrowed in a menacing scowl, Luke says, “There is no try.”

And he turns again and continues around the corner, his blue form fading out before he had entirely disappeared from view.

 

Rey steps outside when she hears the sound of things shattering on the concrete. Kylo is moving around the courtyard, kicking over heavy statues, pulling over priceless artwork, smashing pottery, and punching through hedges and signs. He shouts incomprehensible curses and pounds his fist on the brick fencing facing the ocean. Rey can see his red shining knuckles from where she’s standing.

She holds a hand over her mouth as she watches, but for some reason she feels almost _giddy_ as he continues to storm around.

He isn’t closed off from the Force or their bond. She feels his anger quite vibrantly. But it’s normal anger. It’s rational. It comes from a healthy feeling of hurt and abandonment. This isn’t the rage of the darkside.

Kylo must sense her elation because as he stops to bend over, hands on his knees, panting at the ground, his head snaps up and he turns in her direction. Rey leans against the doorframe, her hair down to her shoulders, catching the morning light.

For a moment, Kylo forgets his anger. She’s breathtaking – standing there, like some kind of angel of the light. It’s incredible how, after everything, his heart still twinges like that when she looks at him.

She gives him a gentle smile. He doesn’t know what she’s so happy about but he can’t stop his lips from curving upward in response – he softens under her gaze. Her delight is infectious. The approval she offers, which was and has always been denied by others, is like a cool cloth on a burn.

He straightens his back and leans against the brick fence. Rey remains in place, admiring the way his face gradually shifts from enraged to frozen to an almost playful grin. They both look at the other with a half smile, a smile pregnant with laughter, like they’re waiting for the other to crack first.

Rey bites her lip while smiling and thinks:

_See? You don’t always have to take everything so seriously._

Kylo inclines his head and crosses his arms over his chest.

Rey touches the side of her head to the doorframe, staring at him at an angle, watching the light breeze tousle his hair.

_I’m sorry you didn’t get what you were looking for,_ she thinks with love and sincerity in her eyes.

_Looking in the wrong place, I guess_ , he responds. _Rey? Come over here._

Rey happily steps into the courtyard, her thin robe brushing the ground as she walks. She stops in front of him and takes his hand, covering his bloody knuckles with her other.

“It’s going to be okay,” Rey says, and he takes a strand of her hair between his fingers. Rey smiles beautifully. “I’ve seen it.”

Kylo brings her hand up to his lips. He closes his eyes and kisses it.

“If you say so.”


	26. Transmissions

Days earlier…

General Hux has been staring at the path ahead through space in his ship’s view screen ever since he abandoned his post on the T’Kallian moon. His face screwed up in determination, he hardly blinks as though that will help the ship move faster. He must be careful; the dreadnaught may be cloaked, but any sensor could easily pick him up if it knew where to look.

Agonizingly close yet so far away is the Corellian YT-1300 light freighter that sped away from the moon with alarming speed – the same freighter, Hux remembers well, from the battle on Crait years before. The moment he saw it he knew someone important must be aboard. He may not be able to confront the entire Resistance just yet, but certainly he can pick off their beloved flagship.

Hux knows the vessel is suspicious of him; it keeps running scans every hour, sweeping in a different area of space each time. More than once he has contemplated signaling the Supreme Leader – but this is his chance!

Hux has worked hard to keep his true intensions hidden. He knows Ren can read his mind if he so desires, and it is to Hux’s advantage to maintain the persona of a fearful, second-rate subordinate who grudgingly but obediently follows orders. If Ren discovers he’s left his post in the moon’s orbit, he can feign the excuse that he wanted to prove his worth to Ren and show him how useful he can be. Ren won’t like it, but it should suffice.

In all actuality, he plans to take credit for the decimation of the Resistance for himself. Already the members of the First Order have been looking to him, Hux, as more of a leader than Ren’s ever been. Their Supreme Leader has been absent longer than reasonable, which is a better move than Hux could ever have planned himself. Ren is losing loyalty all on his own – how could a fleet respect and follow a man who’s never there?

He supposes Ren is relying on fear, the way Supreme Leader Snoke used to operate. No one saw much of him either, but Snoke possessed dark powers that reached farther than anyone had ever seen. To defy him was worth a punishment worse than death. Ren only wishes he had that kind of influence, that kind of evil to promise.

Hux, however, has been working alongside the fleet from the start. They know and respect him. Once Hux singlehandedly snuffs out the Rebels, it won’t be an unreasonable motion to ask that they follow him instead. After all, what use is Ren’s self-serving, hokey religion against the full power of the First Order?

He stares at the freighter onscreen so vehemently his eyes are throbbing and his vision blurs. He glances at the control panel to his left – if they were to attack now, the Resistance’s allies would descend upon him in minutes. Hux must have patience – wait a little longer and they’ll be in a dead zone. Then that saucer of space garbage will be a sitting duck…

“Sir, we’ve determined their course,” says a trooper behind him.

“It hardly matters,” Hux snaps. “Any minute now…”

“But sir, they’re headed for Cantonica. The last known location of – ”

“The Supreme Leader…” Hux’s teeth are bared and his pale face has turned a deep shade of puce. Have they discovered Ren, or is it coincidence?

Ren would smack him across the room if he heard him talking about coincidence…

He ought to let this play out, discover what business the Rebels on this vessel have with the Supreme Leader. He needs to be sneaky. He needs to be smart. The freighter will land and if he’s lucky, its crew and the Supreme Leader will finish each other off. Either way, Hux will disrupt the ship’s transmissions and attack before they’re aware they’ve been tampered with. They won’t be able to call for help – well, they will, but no one will hear them…

***

Present…

Rey returns to the Falcon after a particularly frantic message from Chewie. She’s unable to find Kylo in the palace to tell him where she’s going, so she takes a comlink with her in addition to her lightsaber and sets off to the outskirts of Canto Bight where Chewie has moved the Falcon.

Chewie meets her outside the ship, waving his hands and stomping his feet.

“Slow down, I can’t understand you,” Rey says.

Chewie calls angrily, pointing inside the ship, and hits the metal exterior with his furry fist.

“What do you mean the transmission’s blocked?” Rey looks around as though expecting a large tree to be obstructing the signal. “How would that happen?”

Chewie gestures his arms wildly and Rey says, “Alright, okay – I’ll help you figure it out…”

They go inside and tear apart the control panel, checking for burnt fuses, severed wires, sparking connections…

Several hours pass before Rey hears a dull beep from her comlink. Half her body in a utility hatch within the grated floor, she lunges for the piece and answers it hurriedly.

“Ben? I’ve been trying to reach you for hours. We have a problem.”

“Why, where are you?” answers his static-y voice.

“The Falcon. Someone’s disrupted our means of communicating with the Resistance. We’re sure of it now – there’s nothing wrong with the ship.”

Before he can say anything she continues on, “Chewie figured out a way to redistribute the signal as a sensor instead a transmitter. It’s more accurate than our regular sensors because it’s short range. He can’t repair anything without knowing the source, so he’s been using it to find any alien equipment on the planet.”

Rey wipes sweat from her brow and sets down her greasy tools. “Turns out there’s quite a bit of that here, being that Canto Bight is a huge trade hub. So he boosted the signal to anything beyond the atmosphere as well – and there _is_ something, Ben. It’s enormous, whatever it is, cloaked…”

Kylo makes a disjointed noise and Rey can hear his breathing quicken in a surge of static.

“There’s more,” says Rey. “Chewie checked for life forms outside the city. He says there are hundreds of them south of Canto Bight in the desert. They’re assembled together – it’s got to be an army. They’re just minutes away from the city.”

Rey hears nothing but cool white noise through the comm.

“Ben?” she says anxiously.

“Hold on,” he says.

 

Kylo drops his comm and scrambles to turn on his own transmitter.

Clutching it in his clammy hand he calls, “General Hux, this is Supreme Leader Kylo Ren.”

Pause.

“General Hux, answer me immediately.”

Silence.

“I know you’re here you son of a bitch.”

He slams down the microphone and sits back, seething, staring at the transmitter with wide eyes. He can hear Rey’s distorted, muffled voice through the comm against the desk.  

“Ben? Hello? What’s going on?”

Kylo’s heartbeat is drumming in his ears. He reaches for the comm, his fingers hesitate above it for a moment, and then he slowly lifts it and rests the metal mesh against his lips.

His voice is hardly a whisper as he says, “You need to find a way to contact the Resistance. They’re here. The First Order is here.”

 

Rey drops the comm, her heart racing, and turns to Chewie.

“No, we’ve got to fix it!” she cries. “We need to tell Poe – they’re already here, the First Order is here!”

She picks up the comm again and says frantically, “Chewie and I can’t take them alone – the Resistance isn’t due for another day…Ben? What are you going to do?”

But no one answers; he’s turned off the comm. Rey stares at it in shock.

Turning to Chewie, she says in a dazed sort of way, “I don’t suppose we could reach Poe on Ben’s transmitter?”

Chewie calls out and begins hitting his fists on the walls.

“I know, I know, it was worth a try,” Rey says. “It’s not your fault you jammed all incoming First Order signals. How could you have known we would need it later?”

She spares five seconds frozen in horror at the situation and then jumps to her feet and scrambles to the rear of the ship where she pulls off the side panels and begins rummaging through the wiring.

 

Kylo retrieves his lightsaber from the courtyard and returns to the library where he tries one last time to reach Hux. He keeps moving around, but he becomes vaguely aware he doesn’t know where he’s going. His body seems to think it should be in motion but his brain doesn’t know where to go, what to do.

He clutches his lightsaber, thinking he must be intending on using it. But against whom?

He steps backward until he collides with the stone-clad wall and stares ahead. The Force eases back from him, giving him space to breathe. Kylo knows without a doubt he is face to face with destiny right now. More importantly, he is faced with choice, and the Force has set forth dozens of options for him.

But he hasn’t completed his training. In all essence he doesn’t feel any farther ahead than when he first agreed to turn. His worldview has been extinguished; he hasn’t had enough time to rebuild. There’s no order to this madness, he’s every bit as disoriented as before.

He made Rey a promise, but was he ever capable of following through? Is it within him to embrace the light? Can someone like him ever truly be redeemed?

There’s no one left to receive him back. The reality of this hits him in the face like never before. He’s burned so many bridges there’s no platform on which to come back over.

He hits his fist against the wall and the wounds under his bandages begin to smart. He can’t give up on himself. He won’t. He can rebuild, he can make things right. There’s no one left who believes in him. So be it. All the better when he restores peace to the galaxy, rekindles their faith, and becomes the catalyst Leia always needed to realize her dream.

Suddenly, like a reflex, he reaches out and latches onto the Force. He grabs ahold as though it were a rope trying to rescue him from sinking into lava. He holds on for direction, for guidance. He puts his trust entirely in its power.

The Force flurries in his hold. Kylo expected retribution, but the Force is kind to him. It greets him like a son, like a long lost friend. It speaks to him gently, softly, reminding him that he is never alone.

A remarkable woman waits for him at the edge of the city – a Jedi, perhaps the greatest this galaxy has ever known. She follows no rules, commands nothing, demands nothing…she’s humble, resilient, and more powerful than she’ll ever realize. Her greatness lies in her faults; her advantage relies on her weaknesses. She is a vessel for the Force and a symbol of hope for humankind. Jedi before her may have had better control, better skill, but Kylo believes her compassion and her vigilance make her greater than them all. She is wholly and truly a Jedi…and this Jedi is counting on him.

It is time to act. Kylo feels this like it’s his own thought, like he ever really had a choice. _Action_ is what will end his conflict, not decision. The moment has come at last for him to fulfill his destiny.

The Force builds inside him and assures him of its strength and power… and its compassion for him. Kylo’s heart swells and he swallows as he feels this solid and unmovable love that he never expected. But that can’t be right…the Force doesn’t offer compassion or love, it simply _is._

Searching inside this feeling, Kylo find a presence within this power, a presence he hasn’t felt in a long time. The Force is harboring _her_ energy _,_ the sensation and limitless strength of a mother’s love. This is what he could have had this whole time. Those hateful and fearful nights, the agonizing loneliness and despair. Leia was never really gone. She’s vibrantly alive and whole within the lightside of the Force.

Kylo exhales as though the breath has been knocked out of him. Tears sting his eyes as he reaches his hand out in front of him. There’s only air before him in the sun-soaked room, but as he closes his eyes, he could swear he feels a light pressure around his hand, followed by warm breath on the back of it, and what might have been a kiss from the softest lips.

He breathes through his mouth and stands transfixed, feeling nothing but abundant tranquility. The Force stirs within him again: loud, radiant, and beautiful.

The Light is independent, self-sustaining, not reliant on him or any Jedi. But it is his to use, if he wants. It is his to borrow, for as long as he desires.  

Kylo walks to the mahogany desk where his mother’s book lies dirty, crinkled, bent, and faded. He picks up the pen, his hand shaking with adrenaline, and writes:

_Step Seven: Balance_


	27. Final Battle Part 1

Rey and Chewie run as fast as they can from the Falcon to the city entrance. It was Chewie’s suggestion to give up on the Falcon’s transmitter. He thinks he can rewire the communication lines in Canto Bight’s receiver tower to reach the Resistance.

Side by side they barge through the twenty foot tall golden doors and sprint across the marble floor.

“It should be past these doors here, Chewie, I – ”

Rey’s words are cut short by a blaster bolt that misses her face by inches. Chewie cries in fury and turns to find a stormtrooper huddled by the west entrance. They’re too late. Of course the First Order would have thought to guard their only chance of reaching the Resistance.

Rey ignites her saberstaff and Chewie shoots his bowcaster at the trooper. The trooper staggers to the ground and drops his weapon as another comes around the corner, stepping around him. Rey deflects a second blaster bolt headed straight for Chewie.

“Go!” cries Rey. “Send the transmission! I’ll hold them off!”

Chewie wails in protest.

“Chewie, we don’t have time!”

He makes for the double doors to the control center while shooting at the onslaught of troopers coming around from the western entrance. He looks back at Rey one last time before pushing through.

“Go,” she mouths, and sets off at a run toward the growing cluster of white armor and blazing weapons.

She moves her lightsaber like a kayak paddle, the blades on either side of her deflecting the bright red bolts coming at her like sideways rain. She approaches the troopers at the head of the line, twirls the blades over her head and brings them down, slicing through each enemy as she makes her way through.

Twenty bodies fall to the floor alarmingly fast. Strings of her hair falling in her face, she looks around for more stormtroopers, but this small bunch seems to be all that was guarding this entrance. The city streets are quiet and the only disturbance is a row of flags turning gently in the light wind.   

Rey slams the heavy metal door shut and fastens the locking bolt with ferocity. Turning back to the vast room, she takes off toward the double doors Chewie went through a few moments ago, but ten paces in she realizes something is wrong. The air is congested somehow…the sound of her boots against the marble floor doesn’t echo like before. There’s a disturbance in the Force – this is a trap.

With a bang, Chewie’s large form is thrown from the double doors and he lands painfully on his back. Rey holds her lightsaber up and runs toward him. Chewie seems to have had the breath knocked out of him; he gestures to her but can’t seem to speak.

Another bang, and dozen troopers burst out of the doors after Chewie, holding their weapons up, and turn abruptly toward Rey. Rey continues toward them but then a sound from behind her stops her in her tracks. She whirls around and coming from a wide set of basement stairs is about thirty men and women clad in dirty scraps, makeshift armor, holding various junk yard weapons.

The miners…the Rohkian laborers who spend much of their existence mining salt on Crait. Of course, Rey thinks, Hux conquered their planet. They work for him now.

Chewie calls out at last and Rey lunges backward and shuffles quickly toward the wall trying to escape the sudden crossfire. Bolts of red come from her left, bolts of green from her right, and the drumming sound of stomping boots fill the marble room.

It is all Rey can manage to deflect the blaster shower coming at her and her alone. She’s twirling her saberstaff like an overactive windmill in front of her, the gleaming blades producing a circular golden blur that looks like a strange forceshield. She can hear Chewie still calling and she glances at him for a moment to see his arms being tied behind his back.

“I can’t hear you!” she calls, but her voice, too, is lost in the noise.

A bolt grazes her arm and she staggers, losing her rhythm, and is forced to roll on the ground to avoid the rest of them. The troopers on her right run toward her. She backs up but the miners are closing in as well. She turns her body from side to side, overwhelmed, unable to defend herself for much longer.

Chewie calls yet again, but this time she can hear his high pitched, panicked warning. She turns in his direction as a trooper attempts to knock him out with the hilt of a blaster to the head. Rey doesn’t understand; she looks around, wondering why he wants her to back up.

“Rey! Get back!”

Rey looks up and automatically steps back as a dark-robed figure descends from the balcony above and lands just feet in front of her.

“Ben!” she cries, but they say nothing further as they stand back to back, deflecting the new wave of blaster bolts.

Kylo looks furious as he slices through the air with power and control Rey has never seen. The troopers don’t seem to register whom this new person is they’re firing at, and the miners don’t know or care as they continue to march forward with determined but slightly terrified looks on their faces.    

Kylo screams at the troopers as he strides toward them, knocking the bolts away like flies with swift, angry strokes. A few of them recognize him now, and lower their blasters. The others look around nervously and continue to fire a few feeble shots. Kylo reaches out his hand to stop the bolts in midair, steps around the humming streaks of crimson, and releases them into the wall behind him. The rest of the troopers let their weapons fall to their sides and take a step back.

“Why have you stopped?” cries a voice from behind the double doors. “Is she dead?”

General Hux storms out, his black trench coat billowing around him. He locks eyes with Kylo, and halts immediately. He blinks twice before drawing himself up importantly and steps a few inches behind the nearest stormtrooper.

“Supreme Leader, what a surprise!” Hux says in a rather high voice.

Rey cries out in pain and Kylo turns abruptly to see her clutching her leg, still holding her lightsaber up with her left hand. The remaining miners with working blasters stand a few yards in front of her, feet apart, firing desperately at the girl who just won’t die.

“Order them to stop!” Kylo screams at Hux.

Hux hesitates – Kylo’s eyes flash in fury and he raises his hand and grips the air. Hux feels the start of a terrible pressure around his throat and raises his hand in surrender. Kylo release him, his eyes wide and glaring, and turns back to the miners.

Kylo draws back his arm, clutching his lightsaber, and tosses it, using the Force to carry it through the air, blade ignited, straight for the miners. Several of them back up just in time, but the front line firing the blasters never see it coming – Kylo’s blade slices them through at their midsections, the two halves of their bodies crumpling to the ground instantaneously.

Kylo pulls back his lightsaber like some deadly boomerang. It reunites with his hand and he disengages it, turning slowly on the spot back toward Hux.

“Order them to stop,” he growls through his teeth.

Hux raises his hand to the comlink in his ear and rasps, “Hold your fire!”

The miners seem happy to oblige. They lower their weapons and step back rather frantically, as though expecting Rey to retaliate. She certainly seems to be considering it, but instead she begins to limp somewhat uncertainly toward Kylo.

Kylo turns his neck slightly to see if she’s coming, and Hux takes that moment to grab a Z6 baton from a nearby stormtrooper, strike it to life, and thrust it heavily on Kylo’s back.

Kylo falls to the ground, convulsing, and Hux pushes the electric beams against his body with all his might.

“Grab the lightsaber! The lightsaber!” Hux screams.

A trooper staggers forward and picks up Kylo’s fallen lightsaber, then steps back several paces, holding it in both hands.

“Hey!” Rey is sprinting at him, her face positively menacing in the glow of her lightsaber.

“Stop her!” cries Hux, still struggling to keep Kylo on the ground.

Hux’s Captain steps forward, wielding his own Z6 baton. It looks like a long tuning fork with streaks of lightning encompassing the bars of metal, acting as both a shield and a weapon. He twirls it in a loop around his arm and just as Rey approaches, he brings it down with brute force upon her.

Rey barely catches it with her lightsaber; her boots slide back on the floor an entire two feet. The wound on her leg is agony and she can feel her stance weakening. She won’t be able to hold this position for long…

With a determined cry, she uses her upper body to lift the baton off her, spins around in a tight circle, her hair whipping after her, and slays the stormtooper Captain with a mighty strike through the chest.

Hux is forced to withdraw his weapon from Kylo and move it to defend himself. The other troopers rush forward; Rey steps back and deflects the new onslaught of blaster bolts, balancing uneasily on her one good leg. They overpower her within seconds; she steps on her other leg and finds she’s unable keep pressure on it – her balance falters and a trooper knocks her lightsaber out of her hand with his blaster. The metal hilt skids away across the floor and spins in one spot for several seconds before it rests.

Two troopers grab Rey by the arms and force them behind her back. She struggles against them but to no avail; her leg is useless and she can’t pivot the way she needs to escape.

Kylo regains his vision just in time to see Rey being hauled off into the corridor through the arch on the eastern side of the room.

“Restrain him!” Hux’s voice wavers in surprise and panic as he notices Kylo attempting to stand.

The troopers are hesitant to lay hands on their Supreme Leader. Kylo shoots them a look of pure menace, daring them to touch him, and they immediately back away. Hux wields his Z6 baton in front of him and steps toward Kylo, sneering because he knows Kylo is weaponless. Kylo centers himself, but his vision is still hazy and he sways slightly on his feet.

Suddenly there’s a racket to the left as Chewie bellows and escapes from his captor’s hold. He knocks out the trooper with a swift bunt of his elbow and braces himself to step in front of Kylo. Seven blasters rise up and point at him.

“NO!” Kylo screams. “Chewie, don’t!”

Chewie stops and looks enraged as he roars in frustration. Kylo’s eyes are maniacal as he wills him to stay put. Chewie’s fists are shaking at his sides and he glances to his right. His bowcaster is on the floor next to the unconscious stormtrooper.

“Don’t you dare,” Kylo growls.

Chewie doesn’t acknowledge him. He takes a small step forward. The click of the blasters being adjusted and cocked echoes along the curved walls.

Just as Chewie begins his lunge for the bowcaster, the front doors burst open and the full power of the Resistance barge in. With surprising quick thinking and agility, General Hux pivots behind Kylo and holds his Z6 baton to his chest, securing Kylo as both his prisoner and his shield.

Blasts ricochet of the walls in streaks of red. The miners rush over to meet the Resistance army while the troopers withdraw back into the small control room.

“Back up!” snarls Hux, prodding Kylo in the back. “Slowly!”

Kylo takes one step behind him when suddenly they hear a cry from the side and a blue and black blur streaks past Hux’s vision. His baton is knocked to the ground and there it rests before a boy, barely a teenager, who faces Hux with a short blue lightsaber in his hands. The lightsaber has a cross guard like Ren’s, though the blade is secure and stable; it seems to have been made with a cross blade aesthetically. What’s going on here?

Hux blinks at the boy in shock as the stormtroopers from the control room come to his aid. A slew of red bolts fire at Kit and he flips in the air to avoid them. He deflects several with his lightsaber before taking off down the corridor in which Rey was taken minutes earlier.

“No!” Kylo yells as the stormtroopers run after him, including the one still holding his own lightsaber. He moves to follow but sees Hux in his periphery reaching for the baton again. Kylo kicks the weapon away from his grasp.

Hux looks up at him just before receiving a heavy kick to the face. He hears a sickening grunch, stars blacken his vision, and he reaches out in front of him futilely even though he knows Ren is long gone.  

Kylo runs down the dark corridor, his face screwed up with exertion as he tries to catch up to the band of troopers chasing Kit. He comes upon a barrier; clearly Kit Force-pulled a bunch of old slot machines into the hallway to slow down the troopers. Kylo reaches both hands in front of him, palms facing out, and pushes aside the machines like they’re mere clouds in his way.

He turns the corner to a new room – it’s hot and muggy with a high ceiling and a large metal cylinder extending up from the center. Kylo scans the room before realizing Kit is almost half way up the cylinder, desperately trying to keep his grip on the metal bolts.

Kylo’s heart nearly leaps out of his chest as he sees a trooper mere feet below Kit, gripping the metal pole with one hand and holding Kylo’s lightsaber in his other. The trooper fumbles with it, trying to figure out how to turn it on, and then it bursts to life, almost decapitating him.

The trooper holds onto a grate in the pole for dear life and slashes the blade above him haphazardly, trying to reach Kit. Kit ducks out of the way and lunges to the right – but he loses his grip and slips… The blade misses his back by inches, but then there’s a bloodcurdling scream, and Kylo can’t see past the broken neon-framed tent.

All the oxygen seems to deflate from Kylo’s lungs as he darts around the bend shoving stormtroopers out of the way…a tall fence surrounding a power generator blocks him. The troopers were attempting to climb it, but only half of them so far have made it over the swirl of barbed wire.

Kylo begins to climb and after a few lengths he can see over the generator. Kit is on the ground, bent over, clutching his wrist…his stump, where his hand used to be…

“Kit!”

Kylo turns and sees Rey on a ledge halfway up the left wall. The bottom strip of her tunic is missing and a thick bandage is now tied around her leg. With remarkable speed she sprints across the platform and jumps over the railing. The stormtroopers on the other side of the fence look around and above them and hardly register her movements before she slashes them through with her lightsaber.

Her eyes mad, blazing gold from her blades, she strikes down ten troopers in front of her and marches up to the single trooper now descending the pole, still holding Kylo’s lightsaber. He steadies himself on the ground and turns to see her coming. Though he is masked, his terror couldn’t be more obvious.

With an angry cry, Rey swipes at him, her blade passes through his arm in a swift motion, and what’s left of it falls, along with Kylo’s lightsaber. She catches the lightsaber just before it reaches the floor. With a snarl she ignites it too and crosses both blades in front of the trooper’s neck. She spits at him and thrusts her arms out, slicing the blades clean through him.

She retracts the lightsabers and secures them to her belt as she kneels down to Kit, who is holding his arm hard against his stomach, pushing it into himself as if that will make his hand come back.

There’s a terrible gash, too, across the length of his side. He sways on his knees, his face horribly pale.

Kit starts to come out of his shock as Kylo reaches the base of the fence. Kit peers up at Rey with large, terrified eyes. He gulps and then starts to hyperventilate. Rey pulls him close to her and cradles his head to her chest.

“It’s okay, darling, you’ve done so well, I’m so proud of you. Don’t worry, you’re going to be fine – help’s on its way.”

A Resistance medic droid spins past Kylo, who is standing about ten feet away, staring at the scene in shock.

“No!” Kit cries as the droid tries to get him to lie down on the stretcher it procured. He wants to go back to Rey.

“It’s okay, darling!” Rey calls. “I’ll find you! Don’t worry, I’ll find you!”

Kit is pulled off down the far corridor, calling for Rey. Rey puts her hands over her nose and mouth and takes several labored breaths. She turns and notices Kylo standing there. She drops her hands and runs toward him.

“You’re okay?” she exclaims, stopping in front of him and looking him over.

He doesn’t answer her. His eyes have never looked so tormented as he stares at the spot in the hallway where Kit disappeared. Rey looks over her shoulder and then back at him.

“No – Ben, it wasn’t your fault.”

He takes a sharp breath in and holds it. He looks at her, his hard brown eyes just as fearful as Kit’s had been a moment ago.

“It’s not your fault,” Rey repeats, her voice catching in her throat. “We’d all be dead if the Resistance hadn’t somehow known where to go when they got here. Chewie must have gotten through to them after all.”

Kylo wants to tell her that it was him – he was able to breach the control room before the First Order staged their ambush. But words are dry in his throat and he simply stands there with his jaw ajar.

Rey takes a step forward but he backs away, still staring at the hallway behind her, and his face turns sinister. Rage ignites within him like fire on gasoline and he doesn’t even see Rey as he Force-pulls his lightsaber off her belt and sets off back to the corridor behind him, back to where he left Hux…


	28. Final Battle Part 2

Kylo runs back through the dimly lit corridor as though in a trance; his vision is tunneled, he can think of nothing other than Hux’s destruction. Some twenty stormtroopers stand in his way holding their weapons uncertainly, but he shreds through them like paper men, his lightsaber ablaze and crackling loud in his ears.

He expects Hux to still be back in the foyer or perhaps cowering in the control room, but as he passes a small room on his left, he sees a familiar shock of red hair and skids to a stop.

Hux is sporting a fresh wound on his shoulder. He looks around at Kylo with a mixture of shock and fear mingled with his bloody features and immediately draws his weapon.

Kylo doesn’t think, he doesn’t stop; he marches inside the room purposefully and holds out both hands. Hux looks from Kylo’s face to his hands and his eyes widen for just a moment before violent strings of electricity shoot from them and enter his very bones…

Hux writhes in pain on the cold, stone floor. But nearly as soon as it begins, it stops. Kylo’s eyes are blazing as he holds his hands out again, his fingers gnarled, feeling the power grow from deep in his core to the tips of his fingers. It’s certainly tempting to torture this man into madness. But there’s something else inside him now that’s independent of rage and thoughts of vengeance.  

Kylo drags his thumbs along his finger pads and extinguishes the violent power as though it’s an errant fly. He lets go of the breath he was holding and takes a step back. The darkside, while ready in his grasp, has no control over him anymore. He feels stable. Balanced.  

His hands drop to his sides and Hux scrambles as far away from him as he can, trying to wedge himself behind a water tank. Kylo takes a step closer, his mouth pressed together, and removes his gloves from the pocket of his robes. The cold leather groans as he puts them on in front of Hux. He reaches down – Hux flinches – and he extends his hand.

Hesitantly, Hux takes it and allows himself to be pulled upright. He glances repeatedly at Kylo, never quite meeting his eyes.

Kylo grabs the front of Hux’s jacket and pulls him within an inch of his face, glaring hard into his bloodshot blue eyes.

“Get out,” Kylo snarls. “Leave this army to me. Leave the dreadnaught. Leave it all. It’s mine. Go.”

Before Hux can reply, a huge explosion reverberates down the hall. Kylo shoves Hux away and takes off to the source of the commotion. A large group of Resistance fighters have blasted through a door and begin firing at the last of the miners. Almost immediately the miners raise their arms over their heads and toss aside their weapons, begging for mercy. Several Resistance soldiers rush forward to detain them while the rest turn in unison and aim their weapons at Kylo. Their faces tighten with determination and they cry out, running towards him, firing their weapons.

Kylo raises his hand and rebounds the first few blasts, then backs up and sets off in the opposite direction. He thinks he hears Rey’s voice in the distance behind him, but doesn’t chance turning around. He weaves in and out of chambers, down new hallways, up a small stairway, and onto a second floor landing. No one is following him – he must have lost them.   

Panting against the railing, he hears an array of footsteps on the metal bridge ahead of him. He clutches his lightsaber and stands back in the shadows, peering past the black column to see who approaches.

They appear around the bend, six men clad in black and silver armor, masks obscuring their faces. The Knights of Ren. Kylo stands frozen by the railing, forgetting to run or hide. The Knights seem to sense him; they come to a stop at once and six red lightsabers ignite in a thunderous collective hum. Their masks turn in different directions as they look around for the presence they sense.

Without thinking Kylo turns on his lightsaber and steps forward – the Knights lurch in surprise, face him promptly, and arrange themselves in a sort of arrow formation. Kylo belongs at the point. They look rather incomplete without their leader.

Several long seconds pass as they face each other, lightsabers up, waiting for someone to attack. Seven blades of red pierce through the darkness and their incessant buzzing nearly drown out the sounds of blasters in the distance.

Suddenly a shockingly bright overhead light turns on and the vast room is revealed: an empty circular arena is below with old pool tables pushed against the walls, and a battalion of stormtroopers appear across the bridge. They pause momentarily, taking in the scene, and then march forward.

One of the Knights looks at them and then turns back to Kylo. Several of the others do the same. As the troopers draw nearer, the Knight on the farthest right point takes a step forward – Kylo steps to the side, bracing himself – and then the Knight slowly turns and faces the troopers instead.

That one movement triggers the oncoming troopers to raise their blasters and begin firing. A spray of bright red bolts fill the air and all seven lightsabers wave about, deflecting them. In an instant, the Knights jump in front of Kylo, forming a six-person wall. Kylo scans the line of them, his eyes large – they’re protecting him.

All around Kylo are red streaks in the darkness, deflecting blaster bolts faster than he can see them coming. Kylo calls out and the Knights split in the middle and angle to the sides, forming the arrow they had attempted before. This time, however, Kylo steps to the front and sets off at a run toward the troopers.

All seven of them barrel through the troopers like a strange snowplow. White armored bodies pile up on the floor; they never stood a chance against the fully reunited Knights of Ren. They’re defeated in minutes. The last body is thrown from the bridge; his body lands spread-eagle on the first floor marble with a sickening thump. The loud hum of lightsabers resumes echoing across the large room.

No sooner has Kylo retracted his lightsaber, when a new battalion of troopers burst into the circular room below. They pool in at a jog, filling the room almost entirely. There must be hundreds of them. Kylo can see more peering inside from the hallway. Kylo stands above them and hundreds of white helmets incline upward.          

Kylo moves to the center of the bridge and straightens his back.

“Stand down!” he calls.

The top of Hux’s ginger head bobs through the crowd from the far entrance, and he appears at the front of the line, staring up at Kylo with venom. He brushes his hand over his coat and draws himself up importantly, hoping no one will notice his nose and mouth caked with blood. He hopes he looks intimidating in his high-topped coat with the pointed shoulders.

“Who do you think you are?” Hux’s scream reverberates around the circular room. “If you think you’re anything but a traitor, you’re sorely mistaken!”

Kylo inhales sharply, places his hands on the railing, and for the second time today, throws himself over the ledge. His dark robes billow after him. He lands with his feet apart, knees bent, and glaring into Hux’s surprised gaze. He hears six thumps behind him as his Knights join him on the first floor.

Kylo steps forward, his lightsaber still cold on his belt. The Knights adjust behind him, ready for attack. Kylo opens his hand behind him and they stop.

Kylo faces the multitudes of white-shelled soldiers, turning slowly in a circle to acknowledge all of them. The air is full of trepidation, the erratic hums of the Knight’s lightsabers mirroring the soldier’s heartbeats. Though their enemy is before them, they turn not to Hux for instruction, but continue watching Kylo Ren, as though waiting for him to grant them permission to attack him.

Kylo stops moving, centered within the army, his defenses still dangerously absent.

“I have not abandoned the First Order!” he calls, his deep voice echoing throughout the room. “I have reinvented it! Our objective is as concrete as it ever was – restoring peace and order to the galaxy!”

He waits for the last echo to fade away before speaking again. The troopers are silent and motionless.

“The New Republic…will be our ALLIES as we wipe away the shame and filth! Our fleet is mighty and powerful. I will not abandon you. We will stand together as we attack the true enemy of greed and hate and oppression!”

The troopers begin to stir, looking around to gauge each other’s reactions. Hux is a violent shade of purple.

Kylo slams his boot to the ground to redirect their attention. “No longer will we rob mothers of their sons and daughters for our army. We will recruit an army for the people – the people I now swear to PROTECT! Stand together with me. I do not wish to fight any more of you. We will be stronger than ever before. I ask you once more…STAND DOWN! You are opposing your Supreme Leader.”

A vein pulses on Hux’s forehead and his lips quiver with rage. He looks around at his army, shaking with fury.

“DESTROY THEM!” Hux screams.

His voice echoes off into silence as the troopers remain still, facing ahead toward Kylo Ren. Time is a thick, pulsing thing as the Knights brace behind Kylo, the troopers clutch their blasters, Hux simmers in place, glaring at Kylo with unadulterated hatred, and Kylo stands still and calm, eyes closed.

One trooper lowers his blaster and hesitantly steps over to the nearest Knight, plants his foot on the ground, and spins around to face Hux. He raises his weapon to the crook of his arm, prepped and ready for his next instruction. The sound of a collective gasp whispers across the room like wind through the high grass.

Another trooper follows suit. And another. And another.

Hux’s eyes widen as more and more of his army step away from him and circle around Ren.

Kylo feels a glimmer in the Force and looks above to the landing. Rey and her entire fleet of Jedi students she acquired in the last three years are lined along the bridge. She spares him a smirk before turning to wave at someone on the other side of the pillar.

It’s the new Resistance General. His outline is motionless in the shadows; Kylo can’t interpret his intentions from there. Kylo sees Rey step over to the staircase and lead her students to the room below. They line up around the circular perimeter, green and blue lightsabers ablaze.

Poe’s face is scrunched up in conflict as he watches the scene below. The Resistance army is behind him, awaiting his command. The risk is tremendous. He swore to Leia he would never again unnecessarily risk their people’s lives. What’s happening down below…it’s a trap, it must be. Now is the time to attack, before the First Order has the opportunity to ambush Rey and the others, as they as so clearly planning.

Finn steps ahead, having seen Rey over the ledge weaving between padawans and stormtroopers. She’s limping ever so slightly and Finn notices a grotesque wound on her arm.

“Poe,” Finn whisper-shouts. “We need to get down there. It’s time. Now or never.”

BB-8 whistles at his side.

Poe leans over and speaks through the side of his mouth. “I don’t trust them. They’re unstable. How can we trust those who defect like that at the drop of a hat?”

“Defect like I did?” Finn whispers back. “What would Leia do?”

“She - she told us he was gone,” Poe says, staring at the back of Kylo Ren. “She said not to hold back.”

Finn watches as Rey moves up the line of defected troopers and Knights and stops at Kylo’s side. She glances at his tall form and engages her golden saberstaff to life, smiling at him.

“Maybe Leia was wrong,” says Finn.

Poe looks at him.

“They’ve killed so many of us, Finn.”

Finn nods curtly. “Rey is out there risking herself for us, for the Republic…and for him.” He looks ahead at her, side by side with Kylo, each of them positioned around the other for optimal defense.

“That’s how we’re going to win this,” Finn says, the reflection of red, blue, and green lightsabers glowing in his eyes. “Not fighting what we hate. Saving what we love.”    

 

Hux’s forehead vein is growing ever larger with every trooper that step over to Ren. He can’t comprehend this. Ren was a joke of a leader, and now he wants to ally with the Resistance. What about any of this is inspiring to rally behind?

The girl is there; glaring at Hux…the girl Supreme Leader Snoke was after. The girl Kylo Ren was after! So they’re allies now too? The world’s gone mad, and he, Hux, will not stand for it.

Kylo’s eyes never leave Hux. Hux focuses his attention back to him and stares at him as though they were alone in the chamber. Ren’s lightsaber ignites parallel to his leg. Now’s the time to attack! Before he raises his defenses! Before more of Hux’s army abandons him!

For the briefest moment, Hux recalls what happened less than half an hour ago – what seemed to be mercy from Ren. He had every opportunity to end Hux. For the briefest moment, Hux thinks that maybe Ren was speaking to him, too, when he declared his new plans for the Order. That Hux, too, would be welcome to stand behind him. That all would be forgiven and forgotten.

Hux’s whole body visibly vibrates as indignation surges through him. What he knows is resolution or defiance or bravery feels an awful lot like jealousy as Hux charges his Z6 baton and steps back bracingly as he holds it in front of him.

“NOW!” Hux bellows.

His remaining stormtroopers (are even half of them left?) hesitate briefly, and then in a disjointed lunge, scatter forward and fire their blasters.

Pandemonium ensues.

The first twelve troopers in the line are finished off brutally by the Knights of Ren, who immediately jump forward and, in an identical motion, strike them all down. A commotion above draws Hux’s attention to the second level and he sees the entire Resistance army making their way down the stairway, FN-2187 very near the lead.

Hux staggers backward and slips within the safety his troopers. It’s not that he’s afraid, it’s that he’s never been much of a fighter, and Kylo Ren is coming straight toward him.     

“Fire on Ren!” Hux wrasps into his comlink. “Point every last weapon at Kylo Ren and KILL HIM!”

With a clicking sound, all Hux’s troopers turn their weapons to the center where Kylo stands sneering at them.

Rey rushes forward but Kylo grabs her wrist and pulls her back, nearly dislocating her shoulder. With a flutter of robes through the air, the Knights dart in front of them just as all of Hux’s troopers begin to fire.

“NO!” Kylo screams as two of his Knights drop, one right after the other. He steps around and angles his lightsaber to ricochet the blaster bolts back at the stormtroopers. There are too many of them, the shower is impossible to avoid for long. The only advantage is the troopers have completely abandoned their defenses from the rest of the army to attack Kylo, so one by one they fall.

Rey joins Kylo’s side, trying to help deflect the bolts piercing through the air, but already several of them have made contact with his forearm, upper shoulder, and thigh.

Suddenly Rey throws down her lightsaber and cries out, holding her hands out like she’s trying to push against a giant boulder. Three, four, five blaster bolts stop against this Forceshield she seems to have created.

Craning her neck back at Kylo, she grunts, “ _Go!”_

He takes off along the side of the curved wall, running toward Hux’s army, drawing their fire away from Rey and the Resistance. Most of the troopers are forced to resume firing at the army to protect themselves and Kylo moves too fast for the rest of them to manage to hit. He makes his way along the wall until he catches up with Hux, who continues to retreat back within the army.

Kylo Force-pushes about ten troopers over, they topple on top of each other, and he reaches out his hand and closes the Force around Hux’s neck, squeezing until his pale face turns blue.

The Resistance and the defected stormtroopers push through; Hux’s army is weakening. Kylo continues to crush Hux’s neck as bodies drop all around him and blaster bolts streak by.

Hux’s eyes start to lose focus and Kylo releases his hand and grabs Hux by the scruff of his neck.

“Stand _down_ ,” he shouts in his face. “This is your last chance.”

He pushes him to the ground and towers over him, waiting. Hux coughs heavily and glares daggers at Kylo, unable to speak.

And in a sudden motion, one of Kylo’s Knights burst through the crowd, slicing each trooper in half along the way. He doesn’t see Kylo as he lunges for Hux. Hux crawls backward in a frenzy as the Knight rounds on him – his blue eyes bulge in shock as the red blade burns through his heart.

The Knight has already moved on by the time Hux slumps over and falls to the ground. Kylo steps forward and stands over him, staring at the body.

“Ben!” Rey calls from within the mass of chaos.

Kylo turns to see her heavily preoccupied with a trooper wielding a Z6 baton. He moves to help but she shakes her head furiously.

“The others!”

To her right, about fifty troopers are completely surrounding several Resistance members, some of whom Kylo recognizes, along with Chewie, who is firing his bowcaster constantly back and forth in a semicircle.

Kylo reaches out and uses the Force to lift a fallen blaster from the hands of a dead trooper. He makes it fire on the troopers from behind – they turn to confront their invisible enemy and Kylo moves to attack.

He discards them with several great thrashes of his lightsaber, but as he turns to return to Rey, he becomes entangled with three more troopers who each have Z6 batons. Hux definitely made an unauthorized order for those things. Kylo’s floating blaster runs out of ammo and he’s left battling the three troopers, narrowly avoiding electric shock with every twist of his body.

As he struggles against one, a quarrel strikes through the trooper’s helmet and spatters Kylo with blood. He topples over as Kylo swerves to the side to defend himself against the other two.

Chewie calls enthusiastically, waving his bowcaster over his head. Kylo nods to him in thanks and uses the lightsaber to push one trooper’s baton onto the other trooper’s arm. He convulses briefly and Kylo takes that moment to slash him through with his blade and whirls around rapidly, decapitating the other.

Kylo wipes the sweat from his brow and looks around, panting. Hux’s army is thinning out. Many of the troopers have dropped their weapons and are now cowering together with their hands raised. Some of the Resistance shoots at them anyway…

“ENOUGH!” Kylo shouts. He Force-pushes the weapons out of their hands and marches forward.

He rounds on the offending troopers who are still shooting wildly at everything that moves.

“It’s finished!” he shouts at them. They stop shooting but still hold their weapons up, looking around in a panic. “There’s still a place for you here. I need you serving the First Order. There’s no need to die for nothing. Put down your weapons!”

They look to him, fear written all over their trembling masks. Only ten seconds pass before one of them drops his blaster, and like a loud, metallic rain, the others follow suit.

There’s a heavy silence in the room and the smoke drifting through the white light distorts everything. All stormtroopers, Knights, Resistance soldiers, Poe, Finn, Chewie, and Rey face Kylo.

He stands tall and straight, though his injuries burn sharply, and peers back at them all. He swallows, closes his eyes, and gives one stiff nod.

It’s over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Almost done! I can't believe this story's almost finished! As always, thanks for reading and I'm ever appreciative of your support! Two more chapters, I think :)


	29. Alliances

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the delay - I've been traveling and now I'm hosting company. The next chapter may be a bit farther out than my usual as well, but know I'm definitely working on it!

Kylo waves off the medic droids as he makes for the nearest exit. He needs air and he needs to get away from everyone’s stares.

The crisp ocean breeze hits him as he pushes through the golden doors. He tears off his gloves, discards them on the ground, and continues forward, putting as much distance between himself and the others as possible. He takes a deep breath and listens to the sand crunch under his boots.

Realization stirs at the base of his chest. Everything has changed. From arriving in this stupid control tower to alert the Resistance to discovering Hux and his army positioning themselves for an ambush seconds too late to escape and warn Rey…

Hux is dead, the First Order as he knew it has been redone, repurposed. And he, Kylo Ren…where does that leave him? Who is he now?

Some of the Resistance soldiers and troopers begin to spill out of the exits. Kylo walks a little farther toward the shore, not ready to face anyone yet. This bubbling realization feels a bit like adrenaline. It’s not unpleasant but he knows he can no longer hide or wait or ignore his surroundings. From this moment on he must be a man of action. The First Order needs a leader. The New Republic needs a strong ally. He knows full well that it’s only his influence over the darker parts of the galaxy and his willingness to cooperate that are keeping him from a swift execution.

He turns back to the building as Rey and her friends exit and gather along the brick wall. She’s looking around for him. Kylo feels an uncomfortable tightness in his chest as he wonders what becomes of the two of them now. Does he have any right to approach her now? Will he get to see her again?

The Force is powerful and fluid around him. He can feel it part from his stride as he walks, like he’s walking through deep water. He finds himself walking behind the Millennium Falcon. The gleaming shine off the metal burns his eyes.

He’s uncomfortable again and this worries him. Switching sides was supposed to ease his suffering. Yet all he can think about is whether or not he really is capable of assisting the New Republic, whether Rey will still want anything to do with him, and if he deserves to be standing so close to his father’s old ship. The future is vast and uncertain.

He stops when he is properly hidden from the army now collecting in a large huddle, acquainting themselves with their new allies. A few stormtroopers slowly begin to remove their helmets. Kylo knows the troopers will have difficulty adjusting to their new fellowship. Their lives have been extremely restrictive and fear-based. He wonders if they are even capable of following leaders that treat them with respect.

Kylo looks at the Falcon again and takes a deep breath, trying not to let his thoughts scatter so much. He places a hand on the warm metal side and continues walking around it, his fingertips sliding across the surface. He decides he should make an appearance before they think he’s run off.

Eyes set on Rey, whose leg is being tended to by a medic droid, he takes a step around the final edge of the Falcon and starts toward her. However, a large furry creature appears in his way and they nearly crash into each other.

Kylo takes a step back and can’t seem to meet Chewie’s eyes. He suddenly feels very tired and fatigued. This is that same uncomfortable feeling as he had looking at Han’s ship. But he feels a desire he’s never allowed himself before. Chewie is, after all, his only remaining family.

Chewie comes around and stands by Kylo’s side, facing the soldiers still leaving the building. Kylo turns his head to the side and up, looking at the face of his father’s old friend. Chewie calls happily and pats him on the head.

“I know, pal,” says Kylo. “I’m so sorry.”

Chewie squawks and trills.

“I don’t deserve that,” says Kylo, shaking his head. “You don’t have to say that to me.”

Whatever Chewie says next, it brings tears to Kylo’s eyes. He nods at the ground and looks to Chewie, then nods again. He peers down at the sand as Chewie pats his back and steps away to welcome back the Resistance fighters rallying at the Falcon.

Rey finally spots Kylo and stands up abruptly, shooing away the droid. Kylo walks toward her and she takes off at a run. A small smile grows on his face as she approaches – she throws her arms around his neck and embraces him with her body pressed as close to his as she can manage.

Kylo experiences his first pleasant feeling since the war ended. He turns his head closer to her and as she slides back down, their cheeks rest against each other.

Rey smiles brightly at him as she breaks away, holding the back of his neck with both her hands. She looks behind her as Poe joins Finn at the side of the building. Eagerly she lets go of Kylo and runs back over to them. Kylo follows her slowly.

Kylo watches as Poe greets her with a hug and swings her around in a circle. Poe bends down to hear what she’s trying to say to him and stiffens as he looks up in Kylo’s direction. Rey grabs Poe’s hand and leads him over to where Kylo has stopped.

They stand face to face, a bit awkwardly.

A muscle twitches in Poe’s chin but a second later his eyes soften and he offers his hand.

“Poe Dameron,” he says.

Kylo’s eyes flit to Rey for a moment and then he extends his arm and shakes Poe’s hand.

“Ben Solo.”

 

Kit keeps blinking but he can’t seem to make anything come into focus. He can hear a droid say periodically, “You have been administered an anesthetic for the pain. You may experience side effects such as drowsiness, dizziness, loss of vision, nausea…”

He tries to roll over and swing his legs over the side of the bed, but there are straps over his chest. His heart starts pounding as he stares up at the blurry ceiling.

The droid places her cold, metallic hands over his shoulders.

“Stay still, please,” she says, coolly. “You have obtained severe damage to your posterior abdominal region. Chance of survival 99%, chance of regaining all motor skills 93%, chance of chronic distress 78%, chance of – ”

“Shut it, won’t you?” he snaps, pushing away her fingers with his left hand. He can’t move his right…

He looks across the hard plastic supports along his right arm and at the end his wrist disappears into a black, crinkly tube. His wrist itches terribly. He tries to pull it out but it’s firmly secured. He suppresses a sob.

He thinks about calling for help or using the Force to deactivate the medic droid to get her to stop talking, but before he can organize a coherent plan in his drug-addled brain he hears a voice just outside the door.

“I don’t care that you’re the appointed chief physician for the New Republic, he is _my_ grandson and you will let me through immediately.”

There’s a loud noise as the heavy door slams against the wall and Kit strains his neck to see the blurry outline of his grandmother’s head appear over the equipment. The rest of her appears a moment later, rolling in a wheelchair, and she comes to a stop at his bedside.

“My sweet boy, what has happened to you?” croons his grandmother.

Kit is nearly a man and it doesn’t really hurt all that bad but he feels a prickling in the corners of his eyes.

“I’m fine, Gramma,” he says past the hard lump in his throat.

He looks down at her lap. “Why are you sitting in that?”

Miss Abrielle purses her lips and reaches for his left hand and rubs it between both of her soft, wrinkly hands.

“It’s finally taken its hold, same as my mother. I won’t be walking no more, Kit – we’ll have to figure out some arrangement for you. I won’t be able to care for you like I used to.”

“Gramma, I’m not a kid anymore, I can take care of you now.”

Miss Abrielle tuts and squeezes his hand. “Nothing to trouble ourselves with now, you just focus on getting better.”

Kit blinks and looks back at the black tube surrounding his right wrist.

“Gramma…”

There’s a knock on the door but Kit can’t see who it is through the window. His grandmother rolls backward to peer behind her.

“I’ll be back in a moment.”

Kit hears the door open and close and then muffled voices behind it. He feels like someone’s placed a pillow over his face. Goosebumps rise all over his skin and he feels cold not just on the surface but inside too. He’s never felt so alone.

Kit’s heart nearly leaps out of his chest when he hears the door open again. He expects to see his grandmother’s head reappear over the equipment but it’s not her – it’s Master Rey.

His first instinct is to sit up straight but then he remembers he can’t move. She pulls a stool over from the wall and sits beside him.

 

Rey looks down at her skinny, bare-chested padawan, clearly miserable against the cold metal holding him and the merciless leather straps binding him. She waves her hand and the hinges holding the leather break off. She lifts the straps off his chest.

“Still don’t move too much,” she says, gently.

She glances at his side where heavy black binding material holds his flesh together from the top of his shoulder to the base of his hip. She notices the tiny bumps all over his bare arms and chest. She stands up and goes to the other end of the room.     

Kit thinks she’s leaving again and he makes a sad, desperate little noise, but can’t seem to form words. Rey looks back at him and smiles.

“I’m looking for a blanket for you,” she says. “The medic droids’ bedside manner leaves something to be desired.”

She pulls out a heavy comforter from a cupboard and brings it over to him. She drapes it over his body and tucks him in at the sides. Kit shivers as he warms up.

“Did – did we win?” he asks her.

“Yes, thanks to you. Ben told me you saved his life.”

Kit immediately looks down. The black tube catches his eye again.

“My hand…” he says and his voice cracks.

Rey puts her hand over his chest and strokes the top of the blanket soothingly.

“Once it’s done cooking in there it’ll be good as new,” she says.

He continues to stare at the tube.

Rey says, “Kit?”

She waits for him to look at her. “I’m very proud of you.”

Kit looks down again.

“I mean it. You’re an incredibly strong young man and you’re going to be an amazing Jedi someday. Everything’s going to be better now. The masters are gone and your people are free. The First Order won’t harm any of us anymore. We’re safe, Kit.”

He doesn’t smile. He swallows several times and looks at her with tears in his eyes.

“Will you go, then?” he asks in a small voice.

Rey slides off her stool and kneels down on the floor with her arms folded over his mattress. She strokes his hair lovingly.

“I’m going to build a Jedi temple and keep training students. I’ve been thinking about it for a while now and I’ve decided to build the temple here in Canto Bight.”

Kit’s eyes grow and his lips part.

“If you want… I would like it very much if you came and stayed with me. I’ve asked your grandmother, and she’s agreed to let me continue living in the cottage in Tonda Lay. She said you could live with me…if-if you want, of course.”

For a moment Rey thinks he’s horrified by the idea. His eyes are larger than she’s ever seen them and he seems to be in shock.

Rey says, “I didn’t have any parents most of my life. You and I are so alike, Kit. I don’t want you to ever be lonely or feel like you have to figure everything out on your own. I want you to continue your training or do anything you’d like…and I want to help you make it happen. But through it all, I want us to be together.”

Kit gulps and tears spill over his deep blue eyes. His lip trembles as he stares at her like he’s never properly seen her before.

Rey rises and carefully lies down on the bed with him. She puts her hand around the back of his neck and holds his head against her chest. Kit holds onto her impossibly tight.

“I’ll take care of you,” she says, stroking his hair. “I promise.”


	30. Last Step

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I finished it at last! I hope you enjoy the final chapter!

“Rey, all jokes aside, I really wish you were coming with me.”

Poe sits across from Rey at the square table in her Tanda Lay cottage, the pale pink sky darkening through the window behind her. Rey puts her hand over his palm and gives it a small squeeze.

“You won’t be alone, okay?” she says. “None of us are anymore.”

It seems Poe didn’t expect her to say this. His eyes are thoughtful and kind as he watches her.

“We have everything we need, right? Leia once said that to me. You’re going to be great, Poe. And this isn’t goodbye. I know the Jedi and the Republic will be close friends.”

Poe winks at her. “Of course. If only my own friends were close by.”

“Finn’s made his decision, then?”

Poe nods. “He’s changed his mind a hundred times but he seems committed now. It’s not easy for him, but I think he’s done running. And as you said, it’s not goodbye.”

“I never expected Ben to approach him with that,” says Rey. “I know the well-being of his remaining troopers is important to him, but Finn was the last person I thought he would ask for help.”

“Finn’s exactly what he needs – he can relate to them better than anyone and he can also represent the integrity of the Republic, in case the Supreme Leader wavers in his resolve.”

“I know.” Rey laughs. “I just didn’t expect Ben to see it that way.”

“We’re all doing the best we can with what we’ve been given,” says Poe. “We’re going to have to help each other move forward from here. I don’t think any of us are capable of doing it alone.”

“Exactly, I agree.”

Poe stands up and brushes his hands down the front of his jacket.

“Walk me out to my ship?”

Poe and Rey walk down the sunlit path to the edge of town, arm and arm, until they reach Poe’s fighter. The only sound between them is the crunch of their boots on gravel and the gentle wind rustling the trees.

At last, Poe opens the cockpit and turns to Rey. He glances behind her at the ghost town that looks particularly empty and lonely in the evening light.

“Surely they could accommodate you in CB, don’t you think? Master of the Jedi temple deserves the best they can offer…”

Rey grins. “This suits me. I’m very fond of my cottage and Kit’s going to help me fix it up.”

“Whatever you say.” Poe shrugs. “Just don’t become a hermit like your predecessors.”

Rey laughs.

“Well,” Poe says, clapping a hand on his ship. “Until next time, then.”

Rey gives him a hug before he jumps up and lowers himself into the cockpit.

“Good luck with the election,” Rey says.

Poe winks. “Good luck managing the synergy of the universe.”

Rey smiles and rolls her eyes. Poe inclines his head and closes the canopy. Rey watches his ship disappear into the pink and orange clouds.

“Rey!”

She turns around to see Finn jogging toward her.

“Oh, hi! You just missed Poe.”

“Yeah, I saw him earlier – I was on my way to your place,” he says. “Wanted to say goodbye before I took off.”

“You’re leaving already?” Rey says, uncomfortably. “Where-where is he?”

“Already on the dreadnaught,” says Finn. He looks at her rather intensely before blurting out, “Come with us, Rey!”

“What?”

“He’s not going to ask you so I will. It’s going to be difficult convincing people that we’re there to help them. We could really use your support! We have a long way to go before there’s even a semblance of peace in the galaxy…people still need hope and Rey – you’re already that for so many. The Temple can wait, don’t you think?”

Rey can’t find the words to respond so she simply stares at him.

Encouraged by her silence, Finn continues more animatedly, “See, what I’ve got figured is you’re making it so anyone can learn how to be a Jedi, but we don’t have a way for everyone to get here yet. Think of all the students who would want to join you but can’t because they’re still enslaved…We’re not complete, Rey. We have a Supreme Leader no one is going to trust and me, who no one knows. We need someone to speak for the First Order, convince people to accept our help. You don’t need to take sides, it’s just you we need, not your abilities if you don’t want to go that way. It’s not _politics_ , Rey, it’s humanity.”

Rey stares at him in disbelief. All these days spent attending meetings with the Resistance leaders, preparing the cruisers to return to Saven, reorganizing the fleets, assigning the soldiers as Resistance fighters or First Order fighters, planning the First Order’s next moves, starting construction on a Jedi temple…and now at the end of it all, they want to spring this on her.

And where is Ben? Already on the dreadnaught? He’s going to leave just like that – and it’s Finn who bothers to ask her to join them?

Rey thinks of Kit, who is back at the cottage setting up his new room. Rey hasn’t seen the smile leave his face in the last few weeks. He’s so excited to help her build this temple and guide the next generation of students. Rey shakes her head sadly.

“Finn…I wish we didn’t all need to go our separate ways. But I know it won’t always be this way. We’ll be together again. I need to commit to my responsibilities. I-I’ve got promises to keep.”

Finn sighs and pulls her close to him, resting the side of his head next to hers. When he pulls away, he offers her a sad smile and nods.

“Of course. I respect whatever you think is best.” He squeezes her arm above her elbow. “Thank you, Rey – for all of it. Your friendship most of all.”

Rey smiles.

“We’ll be together again,” she repeats. “Will you…tell Ben from me…” She pauses and then sighs. “May the Force be with you.”

Finn nods and brushes her cheek with the back of his hand.

“I love you, Rey,” he says. “I always will, okay?”

Rey smiles and looks down before he can see the tears in her eyes. Finn turns and heads back to his X-wing.

Rey decides she doesn’t want to watch his ship disappear in the distance so she turns back toward the village and makes her way back home.

For the first time, the quiet village feels lonely. Rey tries to ignore the sting in her gut, the hurt that Ben decided to leave without saying goodbye. Of course she understands. He’s so busy now – she knows he’s overwhelmed. She can feel it even if he doesn’t say it. Everything has changed, him most of all, and he has no choice but to deal with the consequences. He’s keeping himself busy. He’s doing what he knows how to do – plan, coordinate, pilot, fight, strategize…

She knows he hasn’t forgotten about her. She knows how bad he wants to take a minute to breathe, to see what the two of them are like now after all that’s happened, now that there’s no more conflict or confusion or opposition. They could be together without condition. They could be happy without that unspoken sadness between them. She knows he wants to experience some real joy for once in his sorry life.

She also knows he doesn’t believe he deserve it yet. He has no right to take a break. He needs to right his wrongs, help the New Republic as much as possible, do whatever he can to assuage his guilt, do whatever he can to not _feel_ that guilt, he has to keep busy, he has to keep busy.

Rey feels this within him, she understands. She doesn’t wish him any more pain. If it is easier this way, to go their separate ways without any parting words, she understands. She’s not selfish. She wants peace for this galaxy, for the Republic, and for Ben Solo. Her feelings for him are warm inside her. She doesn’t need a tearful goodbye. Now that she thinks about it, she’d rather not go through that anyway. They’ll always have the bond to reach each other. It’s not so tragic after all.

 

Kit holds his new hand out in front of him, touching the light of the setting suns. A gust of wind glides by and he thinks maybe the touch receptors in the artificial epidermis need to be adjusted; his hand feels the cool tickle of air about a second too late.

He transfers his lightsaber from his good hand to the new one. It’s not quite the same. He sets it down on a tree stump and braces himself in a defensive form. He closes his eyes and reaches out with the new hand, trying to pull the lightsaber to him. It teeters briefly but otherwise doesn’t move.

Kit sighs and slouches as he walks back inside the cottage. He takes a handful of berries his grandmother had brought by earlier and shoves them in his mouth. He misses the target by half an inch and a few berries fall to the floor. Kit swears loudly and slumps down onto the chair by the fireplace. He glares at his perfect new hand, free of scars, blisters, callouses, and the golden-brown tan only the suns can provide. It looks so different from his other hand. He hides it under the table as the front door begins to open.

Rey steps through and the amber glow of the sunset spills across the floor to Kit’s feet. Rey looks tired. She shuts the door behind her and leans back against it.

Kit’s brow creases slightly and he stands up to join her. She opens her arms to him and he walks into her, snuggling close.

“Did General Dameron leave?” he asks.

Rey nods, her chin brushing against his brown locks. “Yes, they’ve all left.”

Kit looks up at her and Rey admires his blue eyes still so innocently set within his soft face. She runs a finger across his bangs and sighs.

“I’m going to turn in early,” she says. “Tomorrow we can bring over the last of your things.”

“Yes, Master.”

“Kit…” she scolds. “It’s Rey, remember? We’re family now.”

Kit grins as she moves past him and opens her bedroom door. His smile falters as she walks inside and a frown settles on his face.    

“Master?”

Rey sighs and turns around. “Yes?”

“Did he – is he not going to say goodbye to us?”

Rey’s face is impassive as she says, “He’ll be back, Kit.”

Kit sets his jaw. “It’s going to be months…maybe years…”

Rey looks at him with tired eyes. “If you wanted to go with him – ”

“I don’t want to go with him,” Kit snaps. “I’m only thinking of you… he should say goodbye or thank you or _something_.”

Rey stares at him, not expecting this. She shakes her head, having lost her drive to defend Ben, and turns to go inside her room.

“Goodnight, Kit.”

“Goodnight, Rey.”

She smiles at him and shuts the door. Kit scowls and turns back to the kitchen where the suns’ last light is staining everything red. He glances out the window, watching the old swing sway back and forth from the tree. Placing his elbows on the sill he leans on his good hand, gazing nowhere in particular, brainstorming ways he can cheer up his beloved Master in the morning.

Suddenly a movement catches his eye, snapping him out of his reverie. He cranes his neck to see past the trees. A tall, hooded figure is making its way across the beach.

Kit pushes through the back door and sets off after it – jogging through the sagebrush next to the shore. The figure is walking toward the cliff where Rey goes to meditate. Kit quickens his pace and runs out on the sand.

“Stop!” he calls.

Ben turns around, appearing unsurprised at his presence. It is Kit who is surprised as Ben begins to walk toward him instead of continuing on his way. If Kit didn’t know any better, he would say Ben looks…relieved to see him.

“How is your hand?” Ben asks in a low, pained voice.

Is he worried about him? Kit braces himself, though he’s not exactly sure what against. His Master, his idol, his hero, stands before him, concerned for his wellbeing, and Kit feels nothing but distrust. He feels for the Force beating within his own heart and reaches out to his Master’s – he can feel there is good inside him, good and light and pain. He blames himself for what happened. Kit, again, is surprised, and his head tilts to the side as he considers him.  

Kit holds out his too-perfect hand.

“It’s – empty.” Kit frowns at his own choice of words.

Ben offers his own hand in the space between them, palm up. Kit meets his eyes for a moment before placing his new hand on top of his.

Ben turns it over, examining it.

“My droids can do better,” he says. “I’ll have them take a look at it.”

Kit pulls his hand back.

“I thought you were gone.”

Ben doesn’t miss the accusatory tone in Kit’s voice.

“Not yet,” Ben answers softly.

Kit continues to stare at him, Kit’s piercing eyes ever-knowing, ever-anticipating. Ben opens his mouth to speak but Kit shakes his head and sighs deeply.

“I’ve wanted to say thank you,” Kit says. “For helping my people.”

Ben seems to be struggling with how to respond. Before he can, Kit takes a step back toward the cottage.

“I should go back,” Kit says to the ground. “Master Rey might worry.”

“Kit,” says Ben as the boy begins to turn away. He waits for Kit to face him again.

Ben says, “I know I let you down.”

Kit looks down in embarrassment.

Ben says, “You were put in the middle of something – it wasn’t fair, it wasn’t right – but it had nothing to do with you. I’ve always known you’ll be a greater Jedi and a greater man than I could ever be. I’m glad you’re starting to build the life you deserve.”

Kit can feel the words, “Can you forgive me?” – yet Ben doesn’t say them. Ben doesn’t want to ask anything of anyone, not Kit, not Rey. Kit bites his lip, feeling like he finally understands. He, too, has known that level of guilt, ever since his mother was killed while he survived.

But Kit cannot and will not accept his Master’s attempt at an apology until he makes things right with Rey. Kit feels nothing in the universe could be right while she’s unhappy.           

Kit looks over his shoulder toward the cottage where faint vapor rises from the chimney.

“Are you going to say goodbye to her?”

Ben also looks at the cottage, staring at it with longing.

His voice is heavy as he says, “I don’t wish to ever say goodbye to her.”

He’s conflicted, the struggle apparent on his features. Kit watches him until at last he meets his eyes again.

“If she’s still awake…” Ben takes a deep breath. “…will you ask her to join me here?”

Kit’s face becomes animated as he nods, backs away, and rushes across the sand.

Ben turns his back to the running figure and climbs the rock face one last time, bathed in the deep red hue of the suns. He stands on the ledge, looking out over the shimmering waves. He takes his lightsaber from his belt and holds it out in front of him…And he lets it fall. It disappears in the white froth below.

He sits on the stone as though suddenly weary, and watches the spot where his lightsaber fell.

Deep in his heart, a great weight has been lifted. There’s hope where before was only despair. Yet now, as he stares below at the deep black waters, his strongest feeling is sadness, like he’s a little emptier, not altogether complete. Like Kit and his hand, it’s like something has left him.

He holds his page of steps over his lap, the dull light of the sunset barely illuminating them. He assumed he would have felt some sense of completion, some sort of release. Can he not have that after all this? Is he not worthy, even now?

All he feels is burden. The loss of so many people. The pain he’s caused. He could never make up for that if he had a hundred more years.

Behind him, the iridescent form of Luke Skywalker appears against the dark sky. Luke steps forward, reaches down, and puts a hand on his nephew’s shoulder. Then he picks up the pen lying in the crease of the book’s spine.

Ben watches with wide, unbelieving eyes as his uncle writes in small, scratchy writing at the bottom of the page:

_Last Step: Forgive yourself._

Ben turns, sees his uncle standing tall, bright against the dark purple clouds. With a nod, Luke winks. And then he’s gone.

 

Rey appears instead, where Luke had been standing. Ben’s heart drops at the sight of her, he’s overcome with happiness and relief he wasn’t expecting. He stands as she steps closer.

Rey snakes her arms around him from the side, lacing her fingers together, and leaning against his warm chest. Ben’s reminded of that scene in the vision he saw so long ago, when he chose her above everything and she was by his side, proud and happy. He lifts her chin with his finger and plants a kiss on her perfect lips.

“Thank you,” says his broken voice, and Rey smiles.

Her gaze is tender as she takes his hand and holds it over her heart.

“Thank you,” she replies.

Her smile is so loving it’s almost too much for him. He doesn’t know what to say so he stares instead at the lightweight wrap over her shoulder, the slender curve up to her neck, the gentle pulse of her vein.

“Ben,” she says softly. “I thought you left.”

He doesn’t look up – he speaks before he can change his mind, before he can talk himself out of it: “I don’t think I need to tell you why you should come with me. You of all people know it’s what’s best. There’s no excuse, not really. The Temple can wait and Kit can come with us of course. I’m asking you because I can’t stand the thought of being parted again. Rey, I want you to come with me.”

Rey is silent. Ben waits a whole minute before finally looking at her face to determine her reaction. He doesn’t find it there. She’s looking at him, her hazel eyes over-bright but her expression giving nothing away.

“Rey?”

She clears her throat and takes a deep breath.

“You can’t imagine what I’ve been thinking,” she says. “We’ve hardly seen each other since the war ended. With all you have to do, with how things have changed, I didn’t know if maybe you…no longer…”

“Rey…” Ben says like he’s run out of breath. “Don’t you know after all this…isn’t it clear…how much I…?”

Rey looks into his eyes, her lips curved in a kind grin. She blinks a few times, waiting, wanting him to finish what he’s saying.

“I love you,” he says, but his face says so much more. The crease between his brows, the way his soft lips press tightly together, the concerned yet warm look around his eyes, the light within them that had always been obstructed by something, now shining through with purity.

Rey pulls herself closer against him, a rush of affection warming her whole body as he closes his arms around her.

“You’re wonderful,” she says against his chest.

She can feel him flinch but it’s okay. He’ll understand in time.

She breaks away, looks up at him, and says, “Ben?”

He takes a strand of hair from her shoulder and holds it over his fingers. “Hm?”

“I'll come with you.”

He kisses the mouth that just said so.

“Okay,” he says.

Their heads turn to the ocean as the last of the sunset dips below and reveals the great speckled sky. Ben finds he can’t look at it for long before turning back to her, watching the twinkle in her eye, the playful shift of her mouth like she’d like to smile but would rather not give him the satisfaction, the way she chews on the inside of her cheek as she gazes at the infinite sky beyond. The faintest grin appears on his face as he, too, turns ahead toward the future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve loved writing this story and I’m eternally grateful for all your support, comments, and kudos. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this, but this is the first fanfic I’ve written. Thanks for making it a great experience ☺ Love to you all!


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